another uneasy day

One thing I find puzzling to me is that mood is very easy to change. It can be good one momnet and sad the next. Again for no apparent reason, I became very moody this morning. Getting out of bed was very difficult. whatever was on my mind, the anxiety it caused was doubled or tripled.

Evil ideas came to me yesterday. While driving on highway, my thoughts went wild to play out different scenarios and how I would deal with it to come out, hopefully as a winner. It was almost like seeing a movie plot developing itself, the events, the details, the characters in it, the dialogues. I was very excited and was thinking of plans to make it happen, or be prepared for the worst scenario so that I can protect myself against anything. But by the end, instead of making me happy, it depressed me even further. these scenes played in my mind again and again. In combination with real life events, it basically tells me how sad my life is now when I start designing my responding activities to anything that could destroy me or others.  

I have been thinking how to avoid being moody. But it seems almost not possible. Whenever I feel calm and ready to accept my life as it is, something happened to open my eyes and stir me up again. This time, no exception. Is it just a simple swinging mood or a fact that my current life is very unhappy and I should forget what I am trying to do here and make some significant change? How to settle down the unsettling feeling and emotion and just be happy?