A proposal for a new religion

Religion is a topic that has been the subject of much debate, often to little avail. Nobody knows what constitutes a "real" religion, or why people believe in such things in the first place. One could easily replace every mention of God with the Tooth Fairy and have things make sense. Therefore, I propose this new religion, Toothism.

In the beginning, the Tooth Fairy created the world and everything in the world in seven days, without taking a rest like the Judeo-Christian God did. Therefore, she selected the heptagram as her special symbol, to commemorate the seven days. Sometime between the beginning and the corruption of man, the Easter Bunny, which had been one of her first creations, and which was blessed with prodigious mandibles, revolted against the Tooth Fairy. However, the Easter Bunny and his religious faction, the Dentures, were not able to overcome the Tooth Fairy's paradoxical omnipotence and therefore were cast into some version of Hell. At times, the Tooth Fairy would throw other tooth angels who displeased her into Hell, where the Dentures would bite them and cause substantial pain.

Some time later, the Tooth Fairy, through her magical powers, impregnated a man named Joe, who soon gave birth to the son of the Tooth Fairy. Since Joe was not good at scheduling, he had to give birth in a barn on the side of the road. As the son of the Tooth Fairy grew up, he always felt different from the other people, who were heathens who worshipped the Easter Bunny. When he was an adult, the image of the Tooth Fairy appeared to him, and told him to proselytize to the heathen Easter Bunny worshippers. Although some heathens accepted the son of the Tooth Fairy as their savior, most did not; in fact, the high priests of Bunnyism became extremely threatened, and therefore conspired to kill the son of the Tooth Fairy. They captured him and tooth-ified him by nailing him to a rock in the shape of a tooth, with a sign above his head, "THE FAIRY KING".

The Toothists faced many other trials for their faith. They were fed to lions for the pleasure of a zealous crowd in the coliseums of the Kingdom of Decay. They were enslaved, beaten, but not broken. In the early 20th century, as the world was wracked by the Great Recession, an extremist government was elected democratically in the Molar Republic. The leader of these extremists blamed the Molar Republic's economic problems on the Toothists, an easy target, and forced the Toothists to pin yellow heptagrams with the inscription "TOOTH" to their clothes so they could be easily identified. The Toothists therefore faced so much social ostracism. However, that was not enough for the extremist Molars, and their leader decided on the "Final Answer", the extermination of all Toothists.

But the Toothists survived, with the help of their allies, Toothpaste Island and Mouthwash Land. And I, a Toothist, come before you today to spread the wonderful gospel of the Tooth Fairy. Reject the demonism of the Easter Bunny and come to the realization of the glory of the Tooth Fairy! Adore the Tooth Fairy! No, seriously, adore her. She has low self-esteem, and that is very adorable. If she does not receive prayers, she will perish of depression and anorexia. Do not end up in the biting Dentures of Hell! See the light of the TOOTH FAIRY!