 | It's has been a long time secret for me. I don't know how to judge and treat my father. May be human beings are firstly animinals?
My father is retired and in his 70's now. My mom's little sister and grandma lived with us for a short time when I was in middle school. One day, I noticed my father locked the door of a room with my aunt. I didn't know what was that but I felt wired. Later, my mom kept fighting with him and cursed my aunt. Looking back and from what my mom told me, he had sexual relationship with my aunt. At that time, my mom, my aunt, my little brother and my grandma slept in one room. I guess it was because there was only one big bed in that room and I couldn't stay with them. My father and I slept at the same room and same bed. I was about 13 at that time. I woke up and felt he was touching me. I felt strange and pretended asleep. He hept touching me and even stick his touge into my mouth. I moved. He tapped his hand on my wrist to test my pusle to see if I was awake or not. He finally stop. I think he stopped because he thought that I might be wake up. Did he do similar things to me before when I was even younger? He may not have that much of chance because my mom was living with him.
He divorced once before he married with my mom. I've heard he divorced his first wife while she was pregnant. The reason might be he thought she didn't not have "good" social "class" at that time and didn't want to be dragged down by her family.
When I was about 15, my mom went back to her hometown becaue my grandma was dying from cancer. One night, I suddenly woke up and saw my father's face was on top of my face over the bed. I was scared and he went out without say anything. I got up and locked the door right away. The next day, I had really bad temper toward him. My brother couldn't understand me and thought I had bad attitude. He didn't say anything about my attitude and no any reaction about that.
According to my mom, he kept writing letter to her to ask her to come back for various reasons. Right after my mom came home, my grandma passed away. That was a pain my mom still carring on until today.
The summer before I went to college, he took me to visit Beijing and some relatives. I was so upset when we had to stay in hotel in a two room suite. I couldn't lock the door of the room I stayed. He stayed late in my room and finally went to sleep in his own room. The whole night I couldn't sleep well and worried about what might happen.
I cannot say my mom doesn't have any shortcomings, but whatever she did doesn't justify my father to beat her. He did that, not only once. Accroding to my mom, he encourage my brother beat her, too. When my brother beated my mom, he just looked at it and laughed.
No matter what, he raised me with my mom, provided money, sometimes totured my classes, and gave me a few advices. The initial nature tendency from me was always wanted treat my parents well and want them to have a peaceful and carefree life in their old days. They have divorced for many years by now. I invited my father came to the US to visit me once. My boyfriend spent a few nights with me at my apartment while my father was here. One morning, My father opened our door suddenly without knocking and asked us to get up. It might be an accident. Or he might have some other intention when he did that.
The older I became, the more I think about what happen, the more I couldn't forgive him. When he was here last time, I had a lot of stress from work and my brother wasn't doing anything good for himself in China. I blamed him not doing anything about my brother and often had bad temper toward him. Thinking it now, I feel regret and have pity on him.
My brother once told me over the phone when my father was present:"They are just animals!" I told him:"Even if they are animals, we don't have to be!" According to my brother, my father didn't care about what he does or how he does. He liked to go to near by colleges at night to see young people making out at the dark.
My father has a senior rank on technical side when he retired. He has pension and full medical coverage. Because he divorced with my mom, my mom doesn't have any medical coverage.
I dreamt to have my parents live with me or very close by so I can take care of them. That's my dream. But I felt unpleasant to do that with my father. If I propose to get him to the US, he would readily come. He wouldn't think about the cost I have to come up with for his housing and medical, etc.
What is a good way to treat my father? On one hand, I want to treat him as best as I can. On the other hand, I would like to leave him in China and stay there and only take my mom with me. My brother had always been wanting to come to the US and giving me pressure. But most likely I won't get him here because he beated my mom many times and he is lazy(or having problem) and doesn't go to school and doesn't go to work in China. Maybe I should leave my father and brother in China and only take care of my mom in the US. If I don't get my brother come to the US for many years, I don't know if I still want to go back to China to visit them. I am afraid my brother might do something to hurt me. Going to the US is the only and biggest hope he is having.
Is it immoral if I arrage things like that? Do I owe my brother to bring him here? Do I have a better way to treat my father? I have gratitution toward him. But my feeling toward him is not something I can control. |
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