我的婚禮， 女兒告別童年的日子- 女兒八年前的文章， ”Wedding“

It seemed like an ordinary Saturday morning yet I woke up to with eyes being tightly sealed shut. The mascara I forgot to take off the night before had blended with tears and crusted my eyes shut. I could barely open them. I’d like to believe that I wasn’t crying just because I was preparing for my mother’s wedding… I mean mom getting re-married wasn’t the end of the world… Or was it? I ran to the bathroom and scraped off the crust, looked at myself with eyes brimming red in blood vessels ready to burst. I looked horrible. There was nothing I could do. I washed my face, took a nice long shower, shrugged at the fact that I still looked terrible and went downstairs to watch Saturday morning cartoons. I already felt exhausted and the day had just begun.

This was the first time in months that I could wake up early to catch Saturday morning cartoons. Oh, how nice it was to remember waking up before the sun to catch early morning TV. My dad would sometimes watch it with me and we’d laugh at the outrageous stories. Saturdays were my sanctuary days with dad, when I had time to spend with him. Those days were fabulous. I suddenly realized that TV shows aren’t what they use to be. What was this brainless garbage they feed our children these days? I switched to M-TV and watched Punk'd, another mindless “real-life” show designed to capture our reality-obsessed generation. I remember a time when things didn’t seem so masked. But maybe they always were and I just never noticed. Maybe childhood was just as hollow.

The wedding itself was very nice. I took each step down the aisle with poise and a big smile, yet my hands were frigid with fear. I look at those pictures of me today- and I don’t look a single bit nervous. I guess everything always looks perfect from far way Innocence is the key to every wedding.

For the first half of the reception there was nothing to do so I sat around and watched as the red chairs slowly started to fill with people. Guests greeted one another and talked about how glad they were to see each other or how excited they were for my mom. If I was Holden Caulfield I’d just say they were a bunch of "phonies" but I’m not that cynical.

It was weird to see all the ghosts assembling for the wedding. The ghosts that came out from their quiet, haunted houses to watch my mom get married. Floating into the room like nothing had changed. I saw my aunt who lives in NJ; she's on my dad's side, so it was weird to see her there. She brought a white boyfriend with her. What's with older Asian women and white men? At that point, I really didn’t have the heart to care. Than I saw Sara, my old babysitter, and the memory gates surged opened. It was refreshing to see her. To remember, once upon a time, I was that young and happy... She used to bribe me to be good with the aroma of freshly baked French fries. I wanted to cry when I saw her, to tell her to bring me back... before such things as AP testing and worrying about colleges could hurt me.

After the wedding was over, I guess I felt... relieved. They were finally married and everything was finally over. There was nothing I could really do about it- nothing I could do to change anything. Their bond was sealed and mine forever broken. And again, I didn’t have the heart to care. I guess it’s hard to come to terms with things- like that fact that this man is living with my mom. People will eventually label him as my “father” but I know my father will always remain my father, no matter what. I don't really look at it that way. It's just eerie to know that my mom is married to a man that's not my dad I and will never be able to call my “dad”. He's just a stranger in the house that I talk to on occasions. He's also useful for other things but in the end he's just Dean, the man who married my mom. I don't know, maybe I’ll grow up to have a bunch of pent up anger because of this day, maybe I won't. But as of now, I’m just letting everything go so that things can fall into place; there is a time and a place for everything. And it was time to give up and let go. My mom deserves to be happy.

Since that day I’ve grown up. I’ve experienced my own love, loss and rejection- and I’ve lived through it. I’ve lived with Dean for almost a year now and things seem to be settling down. Maybe I haven’t completely changed from this experience. Time will tell. But knowing that I’ve survived at all is reassuring. Maybe I’ll even survive college. Anything is possible.

Note: 媽媽要再婚， 對於大多數的孩子來說， 都是一件難過和尷尬的事。 這是我女兒八年前寫的文章， 她把我舉行婚禮的那天， 作為她告別童年的日子。 她當時已經十七歲了， 但因為我一直與她相依為命， 以她為中心， 所以， 她在我再婚的日子， 就感到特別難過。 現在八年過去了， 她和我的先生相處得還算好。 她已經大學畢業兩年了， 現在的她， 應該更明白她媽媽的心了吧？