This is crazy. I feel I will be gone mad quite soon. I just cannot concentrate on anything. It seems that my mind kept wandering back to the last two weekends I’d spent with Elephant before he took off to Queensland.
I thought I would be happy; I would be relieved. After all I was the one had sent him the “break up” e-mail. And I thought that without his presence, it would be a lot easier for me to look at our relationship, to find out what’s my real feeling toward him. And I’d thought I’d be OK without him.
Before he left, he’d brought over many “surprises”. First one was his photos, of those when he was a newborn baby, till years ago when he was overseas. And second was a pink-colored monkey toy! He’ asked me that whether he could take my precious monkey with him when he went to Queensland. Of course I said no—after all we were over, right? So could he return my monkey? But then he took out a pink-colored monkey instead. Pink is my favorite color, he said “and I thought that since I cannot take your monkey, maybe I should leave one here, so that you could have something to remind me of, and to miss me of”. And he’d even made decision of what to call this pink monkey—El, “you know short for Elephant” .
So now, I have one more members on my single bed-El.
The Sunday night before he took off to Queensland, the weather was really bad. It was very windy. Listening to the noise caused by the wind, when Elephant was moaning that he’d had to leave my place soon,”but it’s so windy, and cold!”. I’d secretly wish that on Tuesday his flight would be canceled by the bad weather. Monday night, Elephant told me that for some reason his flight was cancelled. I was shocked to hear and also quite glad. But then he told me that “but I’d booked an earlier one. So I’ll be still going on Tuesday” . It was done on MSN. So he couldn’t see my face.
The day he left, I got full scheduled. I was quite happy to have a busy day. But then, day after, I felt very low. I didn’t want to get up in the morning. I couldn’t feel the motivation to do things. I started the process of denial. I told myself, it’s alright. The sad feeling will go away soon, just like in the past. I’d felt quite sad when a very close friend had gone back to his own country and we’ll never have the chance to meet again, due to some special circumstance. I was really upset, crying, and everything. But with days went by, I feel OK now. So, I think it’s gonna be OK too with Elephant.
But now here I am. My tears running down my cheeks when I was cooking; I just suddenly remembered those time we cooked dinner together on Saturday nights. I was watching some episodes on computer. While I was truly involved with the TV series, at back of my mind, I could feel something is nagging at me.
Before Elephant left, he’d told me not to hesitant to call him if I need anything…and tell him anything I want to tell him. Because I’d told him that I have a lots of things need to figure out before I could tell him my feelings towards him, etc. Over last several days, I did do some thinking. Because it was just an inevitable thing. As my mind had constantly slip back to some moments I’d spent with Elephant. Sometimes, his smile, his frown, or faces he’d made just would flash cross my mind without any reason. So anyway, I’d wrote down what I was thinking, and also wrote down some things I couldn’t think through. And then I’d this to Elephant by e-mail. Then I’d sent him a message to his mobile phone to tell him that I’d sent him an email. 20 minutes later, I saw him was on MSN. I thought he must be online to read the email I’d sent to him. So knowing his habit that when he was reading something, he didn’t want to be disturbed. So I didn’t say hello or anything. About 5 minutes later, he went offline. And then that’s it. He didn’t send a reply email to me. I said to myself: Ok, maybe he needs time to think about. As this sort of thing had happened in the past.
But now another day has passed, I still haven’t got anything back! I kept walking back to my computer in the hope that there would be an email from him is waiting for me. But there is none. I feel I am so silly, and I am doing something I hate. In the past, when some of my girlfriends couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and on the verge of crying just because half day after she’d sent her boyfriend some message on his mobile, he hadn’t replied, I felt she was pathetic. I’d told her to be strong. Yes, to me, the pride, the dignity is far more important. I told myself, maybe today is Saturday; so being a typical Western guy and an Aussie, he probably had gone out today. And I am not going to call him; or tell him that I miss him, that I am waiting for his reply. And if he’s never going to contact to me; that’s fine to me. So which means we really finished, and it would be his loss.
So, take a deep breath. I am going to work on my assignments, and things I’ve got on hand….but I found myself just cannot concentrate on anything. My brain is in blur. And even though tomorrow morning I will have a breakfast date with some guy, I don’t really feel excited at all. It has nothing to do with the fact that I am not a morning person and I really hate to get up so early in morning, especially a Sunday and be in city by 10 am. It’s nothing to do with this. It’s just…I really don’t know what I am going to do! And what I should do…..
21:31 26/05/2007
