ZT: Time-out by Nicole Gregory

Sitting in the corner is not necessarily the best remedy for misconduct. here's how and when to remove your tot from a situation to effectively adjust unwanted behaviour.

if the toddler didn't have the skill to handle the situation in the first place, then punishment is not going to make him more competent. so, before you banish your toddler to another room, take a minute to consider what he is feeling. "maybe this kid is overwhelmed easily and he's had too much stimulations. another child took his toy and he doesn't know yet how to deal with frustration." these are times for support and learning, when you can have a big impact on shaping your child's development.

 

 

 

what works, what doesn't

 

what is a compassionate, effective time-out? it could be holding your tot in your lap, away from her sister she's been poking, or in a chair in another room for a few minutes when she refuses to pick up her toys. "time-out" originates in psychological literature as "time out from reinforcement", meaning removing the child from whatever is reinforcing the unwanted behaviour.

 

one mistake parents make with time-out is to say "okay, you're free now" when the one or two munites are up. time-outs work best when you bring the child right back into the setting and guide her to negotiate it differently. you could say "i want you to help me pick up your blocks." if she says "no!" then calmly say "okay, we're going to another time-out".

 

parent expect behaviour of tots that they're incapable of. a toddler should not be expected to sit still through an hour-long dinner or to clean up an entire room of toys by himself.

 

another don't : don't say to toddlers "think about what you did wrong", because they are struggling to learn and may truly no know what they did. and don't adhere to the mythical measure of one minute time-out for each year of the child's age. this is not based on science. a time-out need not last more than a few munites. "we used very short time-outs with our daughter as a last resort. A time-out that lasted even for a minute was a big deal. it gave us both a chance to catch our breath." Eliza Porter, a mother of 4 year old said.

 

 

cooling-off time

 

sometimes toddler just lost it. they're overcome with anger.dissappointment and frustration, and no amout of reasoning can get them to calm down in these situation, often a child just needs to be alone to calm down. creat a cozy corner in your home as a quiet, safe place where a toddler can feel calm and comforted. you can say to your toddler "everybody needs a break sometimes. we're going to make a place that's safe when you're losing it." you know your own kid - put things in the corner that are soothing such as books action figures, crayons and paper. then you can say "come out when you're ready".

 

when your child has calmed herself down or figured out how to adjust her behaviour, let her now what a good job she did. it's a huge life skill for toddlers to learn how to soothe themselves or deal with frustration.

 

and give yourself a pat on the back for taking the time to help your child manage difficult situations and feelings -  a skill that will serve her well in childhood and beyond.

 

 

when you need a --- time-out

 

when your own frustration as a parent builds to a crescendo, and your anger is out of proportion to your child's behaviour or you feel the temptation to use physical force against your child, then you need a time-out. tell your spouse to take over or call another mom or a babysitter to give you some time away from your kids. if you can't get help from another adult, take a few deep breaths and tell your child "i'm feeling really frustrated right now. i need a break." if your child is 4 or older, then you can go into your bedroom for 5 to 10 minutes. but of your kids are younger, simply sit in a chair, look at a magazine or otherwise calm yourself. it can be valuable to let your child see you lost it and regroup. you're demonstrating that when you get really upset and frustrated, you know how to calm yourself. it's also helpful to let them know that you're feeling better when your break is over.