輕輕鬆鬆
隨便
HI: 曼陀羅花
I read your blog two days ago and have been wanting to write you something. I apologize for not be able to type in Chinese. I type really slow and I figure your English is so good you wouldn't mind.
Different people have different experiences, I can't sit here and say I know your pain or tell you what to do. But I have expeirenced similar feelings before and have so many times thinking about suicide myself. I figure if I share with you, maybe it will bring something different to your thought. Even if, it is just a little change. If it could lead you out of the darkness, I would be so happy since I see you as another version of me. Please delete this post once you see it. I don't intend to share my story with other people.
I am right now about the same age as you going for 29. I came to US at the age of 22 full of dreams young and restless. Always working as hard as I can, I am very sensitive to the world changing around me. Two years later, I got my masters degree and got accepted into a prestigious PhD program in one of the top ten schools. Just when everybody thought I am the dream and hope of every young girl, my nightmare started. I was assigned to a project that is awefully hard. My advisor is not of any help at all. He often took ten minutes to get a new idea which usually took me two months to prove to be wrong. I kept thinking if I just work hard and read more, things will change. But it didn't. For three years, I got only 6 hours of sleep everyday and received countless of criticism everyday from my advisor. I changed from a happy girl to an agitated old lady with white hair at 27. By the end of fourth year, I asked my advisor whether I can prepare to graduate, he said don't rush you need to work on it another year. Two more years passed, with no publications and lots of stress from other professors (who think the project should belong to them not my advisor), I decided not to listen to my advisor anymore. I pushed for graduation. The head of the department told me they can not support me any more and he also refused to sign my thesis draft because after reading it recently, he believes there is something wrong with the thesis.
After talking with the dean, I came back and cried like I have never cried before. I thought of calling my mum, but dare not call. Since I know as she had done for the past 29 years, the only thing she knows to say when I am upset or dont' know what to do is: how could this happen, why don't you work hard? why aren't you smarter to change advisor early? Why can't you just do everything right and make me happy? Why can't you switch advisor and work for another two years? Why, why, why...... I thought of suicide, thought of killing my advisor a lot even how to buy a gun. But then I thought, I can't do that. Killing myself will only confirm my advisor's or all the other people's belief that I was crazy. Hence they don't need to be responsible for what had happened. Killing them or myself will only hurt people who still love me and care about me. It will not hurt those people who hates me at all!
Even if there is only one person left who is worth of my love, I will continue this life. Even if there is not, then I have myself and you have yourself. You need to cut yourself loose and learn to love yourself. You have been pushing yourself too long. There should be some rewards to yourself. Forget about other people's words. Forget about your hate towards them and give yourself another chance. I am sure if you go back, you can find a teaching job or be a translator at least. Maybe not as good as your job in China dailly but it doesn't matter. To enjoy life for yourself, you don't need to have a really good job. People don't give us a second chance for our mistakes, then we give ourselves a second chance. I am now working on my thesis and give it a final try. If thinkgs work out badly, I will go back and be a middle school teacher. Wish you good luck.
May your heart find a way out.
Another version of you
曼陀羅花在她的 Blog 裏寫到
在這裏揭露這些人的醜行會讓他們恨我入骨，但是我不怕，因為我本來就是求死的，
我本來就是要他們恨我的。
