ZT: Easy Ways to Get Your Child to Behave -- and Want To

On any given day you've probably had two or three showdowns with yourchild over everything from brushing her teeth to getting in the carseat -- all before lunch. But contrary to how things may seem, mostkids like to behave in a manner that makes them (and you) proud -- atleast most of the time. The best way to get there: Help your child feelas if you and she are on the same team. These six strategies show youhow.


Build stronger bonds

If you want your child to be more cooperative, change your focus fromimproving him to improving your relationship. When you dwell on theways he's misbehaving, it just discourages both of you -- you feel likea bad mom, and he feels as if he can't do anything right. Besides, allthat energy you're using to correct him could be channeled intosomething more uplifting and effective. So try to give him positivefeedback several times a day -- a specific compliment on something yousee him doing ("You're choosing such great colors to draw yourpicture," or "I really like the gentle way you played with your babysister"). And don't forget to spend some time with your child each day,doing something he enjoys.


Be a booster

After having fed, diapered, dressed, and done just about everything foryour baby, it's hard to step back when she's older and let her dothings herself (especially when you're in a rush). But micromanagingher life -- from telling her exactly what to wear to opening her juiceboxes -- just sends the message that you're not confident about herabilities. So whenever you can, let her accomplish as many small tasksas possible.

And as much as you'd like to help, it's better for her to resolve somesquabbles with her playmates or siblings on her own. You can encourageher to do this with a couple of simple sentences that state the problemand provide a resolution: "I understand you're angry, and I know youcan use your words instead of screaming at your friend."


Stay cool

We've all been there. You tell your toddler it's time to turn off theTV, and he screams, "No!" Then you probably dig in your heels and findyourself in a shouting match.
But as you've already discovered, power struggles don't promotecooperation. They only make each of you angrier -- and teach your childto resist you even more.

The key is to control yourself. Maintaining your composure instead ofshowing your frustration lets your out-of-control child "borrow" someof your calmness. How can you do this? Label his intense feelingswithout judging them: "I can see you're really mad now." Then state theunacceptable behavior and give him a better alternative: "Kicking yourtruck isn't right. You can tell me you're angry without hurtingthings." If your older child likes to argue, look for something you canagree with: "That's true -- it's more fun to play computer games thanit is to do homework."

Remember, it takes two to keep a power struggle going. When my kidswere younger, I often found that if I dropped my end of the rope in ourtug-of-war (even though it pained me to do so!), they'd eventually stopresisting me, give up the battle, and concentrate instead on theirbehavior and how they could change it.


Try a little empathy

As busy moms, our expectations are often, naturally, self-centered: Weneed everyone's cooperation to get out of the house on time; we finallygot the baby to nap and want our firstborn to play quietly. But it'simportant to examine your expectations from your child's point of view-- for instance, she feels pressured when you rush through the morningroutine, which prompts her to dawdle. Or everything seems to revolvearound the new baby's needs, and your toddler was having fun banging onthe piano.

When you notice and accept your child's feelings, it helps her handlethe limits placed on her. And it takes only a few extra seconds.Instead of snapping, "We've got to leave right now or your sister'sgoing to be late for school!" you can say, "I know it's hard to get upso early to take your sister to school. If you want, you can come inyour pajamas."

And as annoying as it is, learn to tolerate a certain amount ofgrumbling, as long as it isn't disrespectful. Your child's "I don'twant to go to bed!" lets her vent her feelings. She's also trying todistract you; if you answer her, you'll trigger a debate, which is thelast thing you want. Either ignore the comment or say somethingunderstanding: "I know you wish you could keep playing with yourdollhouse, but I'm afraid it's bedtime already."

It also helps to show you've heard what she said and you empathize withher ("You're sad that your friend has gone home. It's been fun havingsomeone come over to play").


Blame the house

Such emotionally charged accusations as "Don't ever let me hear youcall your brother that again!" are more likely to provoke resistancethan matter-of-fact comments like "Name-calling isn't acceptable; ourhouse rule says we treat everyone with respect." It's easier to getangry with a parent who's perceived as overly controlling than to dobattle with an impersonal house rule.
In the same spirit, making simple observations and nonjudgmentalstatements about bedtime or cleanup will probably make it easier forkids to comply with the rules. Instead of saying, for example, "Yourroom is such a mess," try, "There are toys on the floor."


Use your "I"

Kids learn early on to tune out their parents' endless "no's" andnagging. So if your requests and commands aren't producing results,reframe them. Using "I" statements, tell your toddler what his actionsdo to you: "I get upset when I see you throwing food because I have toclean up the mess." (Just try not to whine when you say this!)

When you give a warning, continue to emphasize what you'll do: "I'lltake away your plate if you throw your food again," and then followthrough so it's not an idle threat.

As you focus on your own actions instead of harping on your child'sbehavior, you'll feel more in control, and so will he. He'll begin tosee the connection between his actions and their consequences.

Of course, no discipline strategy can make kids behave perfectly allthe time. But if you and your child are caught in a bad cycle,sometimes all it takes is a change in your behavior to bring out thebest in his.