Introduction:
Originally I was thinking to invoke my Fifth Amendment Right from US Constitution for not answering the comments left by 落花飄零 and 浦江客. But on the second thought, I realized that if I don’t clarify my point I am facing risks to mislead readers. As a result, my intents would be ‘Lost in Translation’.
I am fully aware that the choice of career-bound or home-bound for a woman is a complex and controversial one, no matter how you slice it or dice it. But I’d still like to give my earnest and honest try to explain my reasoning in order to hope bridging the miles wide gap a bit closer between two camps without further “incriminating” myself.
魚 和 熊 掌 (1)
First thing first, the crux of question I raised was like this: can a career minded* (see my definition below before jumping your conclusion too soon) woman have both namely solid relationship/marriage and professional advancement at same time? The answer form my vantage point is a ‘NO’, or at best the relationship itself would run high risk than otherwise. Granted, I am not an expert on marriage or relationship and my thinking just reflects male’s opinion. Nevertheless, based upon my past experiences I found it could be very rocky to establish a meaningful and productive relationship with a career-minded girl. For example, once upon a time (about two years ago but it sounds like 古代 ) I dated an upcoming young female attorney who was working for a famous law firm in mid town Manhattan. Let me call her Karen. The dating had only lasted for about four weeks before we mutually agreed to call it off. Why? It was not because we didn’t attract to each other. It was neither because we lived in miles apart. The real issue was that we both were so soaked in our work (climbing corporate ladder) that we barely had time to go for a movie and had a sit-down dinner without being interrupted by emails and phone-rings on our blackberries or next day’s work. If we needed to clear up our schedules to make an appointment to see each other on dates, what should I expect when we’d add the ingredients of marriage, in-laws and kids into the ‘mixer’? Could it be unsatisfied marriage, separation, divorce, single parent? I didn’t have the answer but my common sense told me ‘it wasn’t looking good’.
Interestingly, about one month ago on a week day night around 9:45 PM, I bumped into Karen at the corner drug store while I was picking up some spring water and a package of bathroom tissues. In her shopping basket there were feminine care stuff and variety of chocolate power bars and a pint of her favorite brand ice cream.
Karen: “Hey, stranger, what is up?” She tried to be funny to dilute her embarrassment as she saw me.
Me: “Not much, and you?” I smiled back politely.
Karen: “SOSO (meaning: Same old same old)”, she responded.
Silence set in as I was flipping though a popular magazine at casher line and Karen was typing on her blackberry behind me.
Karen: “Have you seen anyone?” She put her blackberry into the holder and broke the silence.
Me: “Not really, and you?” I turned the table around.
Karen: “Me neither.” She answered.
Me: “Will you like to pay first?” I offered her to stay in front of me.
Karen: “Thanks, still sweet, ah ?” She took my offer and paid the casher.
Me: “Good Night Karen”, I said to Karen as she was standing there.
Karen: “Bye”, she replied and then her lips moved a little. It seemed she wanted to say something but instead she swallowed her unspoken words and walked away.
I could only guess what she might want to say would be simple as “Call me” But looking at her slanted shoulder by the sheer weight of her heavy leather bag with court papers, a shadow of sorry crept into my mind. “What is the point for me to fool myself?” “Do I really want to spend my time with a girl who eats power bar for dinner while typing her case preparation?” “Can any right minded man or any decent kids want to have her for his wife or mom?” You would be the judge.
It is not how cynical or pessimistic I am which I am not. It is about simple law of physics and human nature & behaviors. We are all notoriously susceptible to be problematic when stress at work or at home strikes us. It is very difficult for two individuals who work long hours and face stressful climate day in day out and not bring the ‘garbage’ home. If it happens, it can be poisoning and even detrimental to relationship. But if a woman stays at home and take good care of her kids including occasionally act as a shrink and listener for her man, things can be very different. In my mind, home should be like harbor to a ship; it would give peace for a restful night and replenish the passion and strength for the captain’s next journey.
No doubt, there are many women who are working, happily married and nurturing their kids for Ivy League. But it is just that on the way they would be more likely to call quit on their marriage than stay-at-home women. It is my own opinion, if it is not for economic reason; home-bound women including those who have higher education would have more smooth life and fulfilled relationship in long run.
In financial world, people say “High risk generates high return.” But that is because mutual fund managers do it with OPM (Other People’s Money). There is a big difference when coming down to my life and my future. I’d rather take a safer approach because a career-mined woman would be like a high risk investment instrument to me.
盈袖2006: Your observation is absolutely right. When a man devotes too much time to his work, he may face the risk to neglect his wife and his duty to his family, in turn, it plaques the relationship and marriage. Are there some solution/cure available? In my own opinion there are some possible options. First, he needs to adjust his priority and spend more quality time with his other half. Second, to reduce working hours can also be good staring point. The truth is that a man can change job often to fit his paradigm at different stages of life but he should not sacrifice relationship and marriage the other way around. But if he makes enough maney it would be nice for his wife to stay home to enjoy a little and take good care of children.
I am hoping I might have answered your question. Welcome for your stop-by.
浦江客: Thanks again for your poem. Even though we are not able to persuade each other but we did present our thoughts on the table to facilitate us for further discussion.
巡洋艦隊
準備好了嗎
今天
我們要
遠航
不要那豪華的
鐵達尼
我們是一隊
巡洋艦
不沉的
鐵達尼
也會遇到
冰山
我們的船隊
每艘
都可以是
主力艦
還有
不起眼的
潛水艇
核威力
是它的
明天
I agree there is only one captain in a ship, either man or woman, but 最好是民主產生的。：）
不用謝，我defend 你了嗎？嗬嗬，沒覺得：）。。。Be your defense attorney in WXC? 倒可以考慮，可是你又不寫中文，所以case太少了；），我得charge 你多少錢才能衣食無憂呀：）。。 而且當律師，還滿累的，不喜歡。。。還要辯才， 你知道我從小沒練出來的，算了算了：）。。。等著看你的（2）吧，嗬嗬。。。
Nevertheless, I am afraid that I am not totally convinced by the theme of two ships and two captains in a joint-adventure. In investment scene, to pick a good stock people need not only examine the company’s products/services, market share or other important data, but also look into the leadership of the company carefully to see if the helmet is held by some one who has the vision, skills and endurance to lead the company in good time and bad one. So when a company has co-chairman it can be an issue since two great persons' energies may cancel each other off, worse they may bicker each other and squander the opportunity given. A bit caution would likely be taken into account for this kind of company. My point is that marriage and family is like a ship or an enterprise either man or women may lead but not both at same time.
一粒麥子: You have sharp eyes to unearth the hidden portions beyond my written words and posted picture. I think any blogger should not assume readers are any less intelligent. I believe that leaving mental spaces (show, not tell) for readers to derive their own conclusion can be a kind thing to do.
It also seems that you have a successful marriage and you are humble enough to allow yourself to be led by your captain.
豆沙小月餅: As your pen name implies you are quite sweet. Your opinions gave all of us hope and encouragement. I am waiting for your story and poem.
Mapleinfall: Nice try, though :) I have already made my mind to use English to write. And plus, my middle name is 'Determination' :). The truth is that using English to write can be fun, too. Bigger number of readers may be rewarding however, I’d prefer the quality of the readership.
I’d also like to thank you to defend me, would you ever consider being my defense attorney at WXC ? What is your billing rate ?
縱然平行，瞧瞧你的這篇文章吸引了多少女子，這是女孩子們最感興趣的話題了。。你要寫成中文了，一定會被放在第一頁，會有更多的女孩子扔磚給你的，也許還有繡球，嗬嗬：）（當然我們追求的不是那個，是吧；）。。。看出來我在誘惑你了嗎？。。。寫中文：）
你的詩給我很多觸動。如果這個周末我的論文進展順利，我會寫一個故事為你和聲：）
真是酒逢知己千杯少。雖然我不沾酒，有機會以茶代酒敬知音。
謝謝！
情如雙飛雁
身異影同行
心若並蒂蓮
花複香益清
還要謝謝縱然平行，這篇文字觸動了大家的心靈：-）
雲歸，雨回，人不悔。
致船長
你我
曾各自
航行在海上，
你有你的，
我也有我的，
方向；
黑夜裏
船傾楫摧,
雨驟風狂,
緊握舷舵,
我心係一發
不退讓.
無線電波裏
嘀嘀做響,
慶幸有你,
恰恰路過這水一方.
原來,
我們要去
同一地方.
登上我的船吧,
你張開臂膀.
我的船
身堅力足
勢不可擋.
讓我們風雨同舟,
我就是你的船長.
噢, 船長,
我的好船長.
我向往
到你的船上
共享霞光,
也感謝你
替我負荷
輕我貨艙.
但,
無法放棄我的船,
請原諒,
不能忘,
我自己
也是個船長.
我願
開足馬力
與你共航.
我願
傾我所有
補你給養.
我願
迷途時
做先鋒, 找尋方向,
我願
海戰中
做後衛, 替你護航.
我願
和你並肩
劈波斬浪,
我願
和你一起
沐浴朝陽.
當你為珊瑚所迷
暫偏航向,
我會減速緩行
待你迎頭趕上.
我們是
那汪洋裏的兩條船,
你我都是
勇往直前的船長.
浦江客，
我補充兩句。
你是指心理上的“風雨同舟”。雖各有各的船，但是兩人是維係在一起，一樣同風雨，共患難，共喜悅。但同時，各自都能享受掌舵的樂趣，披荊斬棘的驕傲。
我想，你的這首詩更深刻一些：-）
謝謝
你好厲害！
有時間的話，送我一首好不好？我好喜歡的。
你的詩中，風雨同舟。
對不起，是我誤解你上一個留言的意思了。
豆沙
我覺得夫妻是在同一條船，不然怎麽說是風雨同舟。如果正副船長航行方向不同的話，遲早是要散夥的。
女人心理上的獨立很重要。夫妻雙方，薪水可以不等，事業大小可以不等，但是從相互尊重的層麵上，他們是平等的：）
縱然平行，
我覺得女子是應該以家庭為重，但是也要有自己的事業，在經濟上獨立。這樣，在一個家庭中，夫妻的心靈是平等的。不會一方仰望一方，或是完全倚賴對方。也隻有心靈上的平衡，兩人才能一同成長，才不會差距越來越大，漸行漸遠。
當然，並不是說留在家中不外出工作的女子就不會有什麽長進。隻是，從人的角度來說，她不僅僅屬於一個家庭，也是社會的一分子。她總是要有一些快樂來自於根植內心的自信，而不是所有的快樂的源泉，都來自於外界（丈夫孩子...）。
事業做不好的女人，也不要指望她持家有方；持家無方的女子，事業也好不到哪裏去。
我想，對於女子，傳統和現代，理智和感性，激情和矜持，自我和家庭，都是需要融合的。而如何把握兩者之間的度，也是女子一輩子都在追尋的答案。
一粒麥子，
我覺得對於縱然平行這些期待，魚和熊掌也有希望兩全。如果另一半，是個自由工作者，家庭就是工作地點，時間也比較自由，會好一些。比如，free-lancer,音樂教師,consultant，個人工作室，設計師，藝術家...工作性質比較自由的...顧家也顧全自己的追求...不過，這隻是理想化的假設。因為自由工作者，或許更沒有家庭觀念也未必。
不多說了，越說越遠：p
總之，追求心中所想的，堅持心中堅持的。希望大家都把握住幸福。
豆沙
致船長
你我曾各自航行在海上，
你有你的，我也有我的，方向；
黑夜裏船傾楫摧, 雨驟風狂,
緊握舷舵, 我心係一發不退讓.
無線電波裏嘀嘀做響,
慶幸有你, 恰恰路過這水一方.
原來, 我們要去同一地方.
登上我的船吧, 你張開臂膀.
我的船堅力足勢不可擋.
讓我們風雨同舟, 我就是你的船長.
噢, 船長, 我的好船長.
我向往到你的船上共享霞光,
也感謝你替我負荷輕我貨艙.
但, 無法放棄我的船, 請原諒,
不能忘, 我自己也是個船長.
我願開足馬力與你共航.
我願傾我所有補你給養.
我願迷途時做先鋒找尋方向,
我願海戰中做後衛替你護航.
我願和你並肩劈波斬浪,
我願和你一起沐浴朝陽.
當你為珊瑚所迷暫偏航向,
我會減速緩行待你迎頭趕上.
我們是那汪洋裏的兩條船,
你我都是勇往直前的船長.
浦江客 – It’s my understanding there is only one ship in a marriage, and each ship can only have one captain. It’s probably better for the husband to be the captain.
一粒麥子
It also depends on how you define a solid, a meaningful marriage.
Same rules apply to both sides. Home is a harbor for every family member, not just the man. Every man and woman is the captain of his/her own ship. Everybody has his/her own journey to explore.