A July' s Weekend Journal

7:10 am. There I was again, sitting in the backyard with yesterday's WSJ,   a cup of warm water and a blanket, in this crispy summer morning. The sun is shining brightly beyond the backyard. The sky is cloudless blue. It will be another warm day today, maybe.

 

Woke up around 6:15 am, and spent more than half an hour doing nothing in bed, letting the body and mind drift afloat between the half dream and the reality. Finally got up before  the clock ticked at 7am and put the porridge in the high pressure cooker, preparing for the 皮蛋瘦肉粥， one of the daughter's favorite breakfast.

 

Last night, Mr. Fang, who is off chemo for his Stage 4 cancer, came again to the weekly Bible study. He sat next to me, and I asked about his current conditions. He said in a calm tone that the cancer has spread to the bone, and he is taking monthly injection to control it in the bone, but he stopped his chemo. His hair grows back completely, and he looks just like any of us. But who could tell that he is battling the late phase cancer and maybe his own fears. He is only 48 years old, and has three kids, with the oldest daughter at my daughter's age, and the youngest still in the elementary school. He talked about how indifferent the doctor is, who never explained to him and who simply followed the procedure without much care or willingness to spend a bit more time taking his case individually. The doctor seemed to be not happy when Mr. Fang refused to take his advice of continuing chemo endlessly till the body cannot stand it. He did not know if the doctor was not happy as his refusal of chemo stopped the doctor's money inflow or if there were other reasons. He said that he would like to take the risk of stopping the chemo, to have some quality in life. "Since continuous chemo could not guarantee the complete killing of cancer cells, it could only prolong. But to what extent? If I don't die of cancer in the end,  I either die of a destroyed immune system or live like a skeleton".  I asked if he could do something like controlling food intake, but he answered that there is no proof or scientific evidence that limiting your diet to veggies will keep cancer at bay. The only thing you can do is exercise and keep a good mood.

 

Coming back home last night, I talked to the daughter about him, whose daughter she is acquainted with. Though miracle did happen once in a while, I felt sad to just imagine a girl like my daughter may become fatherless one day.  My daughter tried to explain to me how cancer develops from a cell splitting uncontrollably, and I advised her how to stay possibly stress free, and exercise more in the future.

 

One more week before the daughter heads off to her first formal job and starts her new chapter of life. She has had  the most relaxed and best summer this year. She sleeps a lot, eats happily and reads at her pleasure.  One day when I shared an article in my blog, she mentioned to me that one day she may write her novels or short stories. Yes, live your dreams  to its fullest when you are young. The sky is the limit.

 

Back from buying other breakfast and grocery around 9:50 am, the daughter was in the kitchen area. I was cleaning the sink, and said to her in Chinese. "總覺得你在家日子不多，不叫你做家務。不知道媽媽是在愛你還是害你。” She responded instantly in a resounding and happy voice, ”媽媽你這是在愛我”. All right, I said to myself, enjoy the "love" then. The days will be soon gone. Like yesterday, you drove all the way to LA and back,  a very long distance for the first time, with Dad and Mom sitting by your side. Not long, you will be entirely on your own, financially and geographically, on the long journey towards your future and your dreams. Though we will be no longer by your side physically, you are always on my mind and in our blessings. 

 

We love you, baby !