very appreciate for XDJM's idea. Right now my husband think at his age (39 year), it is the only chance that he can get to develep his career. He has a decent job in America, but he doesn't like. He likes social, drink alcohol, make more friends, don't like america's boring life, and just as a senior engineer. So he decided to "xi sheng" short family's life to gain his longer happy life. And ask me to stay in america for one year to get citizen for after 5 years, we will back to america, let my kids go to middle school. You know it is hard for me to take care of 2 kids with full time job. I didn't expect it is so difficult. In america, we live apart around 70 miles, and I take care of 2 kids, and we bought a house nearby his job because I think I will move within one year, and every weekend I will take my 2 kids driving to our house. He doesn't like and always angry to me that I don't move. right now, he went away. I always ask him what is your happy life? kids without father? wife without husband? and recently I met a lot of trouble: car, personl, job, kids's day care... all these trouble made me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like live america and my kids like too. He doesn't like USA when he come. He came to usa for his phD, just earn money in recent 4 years, and I work here since I came, and easily and quickly to get GC.We also have a new big house. if we moved back to china, we will sell our new furnitures and whole staff in house which is just 2 years old. will lose a lot of money. That is what I don't like.and feeling is not good, but if don't move, it is hard for me...............that's why I I need your suggestion. Thank you guys again!!!!!
男人這樣解釋：“all men do it including your husband . u just do know abt it :- )cats all eat fish. if one of them does not, then it is not a cat any more . period ! :-) "(by cp3)
To be confess, I used to a lost soul like your husband!
As you can see, my husband is a very responsible man who love me more than himself. He take all house-keeping, cooking, and driving me to school, that I am still a big child without responsibility.
But God is fair, when he give you something precious, he will also bring away something equally previous!
I always want a child, but my husband do not want. Do you know why, because he said taking care of you is already too much, if we have a child, I know it is also me will take care of child, that is too much! Then I ask when we can have a child, he said untill you grow up and become share house-work with me and let me feel relax.
That I know it is true and God let me to grow up and being a responsible mom then we will have a child.
My dear 雪花漂飄,
Don't lost your faith! Your husband is just like a child who need to grow up and learn to be responsible! He is a lost soul who also suffers!
He is suffering from let his family pain; he is suffering when he see other man surrounded by his family; he is suffering when his secret lover asked for marriage but he can not give. He is suffering when he realized maybe both his career and his family will both leave him away in the future...
Everyone know what is right in her/his deep heart! That is why he do not want to divorce, because he know in this world only you and your kids are his family and will be waiting for his return.
He know he is a sinner and a lost soul, but right now he is driven by his desire, which he can not overcome by disciple and sacrifice!
Damage already made for you and your kids! And I understand you have a gentle sweet heart both for your kids and your husband. In this way, I really hope God can give your faith and strength to hold on until your husband grow up and take his responsibility or untill you find your new sweet love!
該不該回國 發表評論於
回複gonewithwindatl的評論: can u check your QQH? Thanks!
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複gonewithwindatl的評論:
"不是我瞎編的, Scientific 雜誌上看到, 男人表達喜怒哀樂的能力普遍比女人差. 因為他們腦後的一部分大腦細胞不如女人發達. 當然什麽事都有例外! 也就是說, 男人在很多感情表達的情形下詞不達意! 女人不是多變, 是女人更能夠表達感情. 男人不大能表達清楚他們想說出來的東西, in terms of their emotions! It does take more patience to communicate with men for us as smart women!"
Sorry, I do not understand this so well. And I even patintly communicated with Wiserman. Of course, Isaid something rude. But finally he understood what I said.
From all my friends and relatives around, they think I am the person who are very patient. Maybe the problem it is too patient, my husband does not care me.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複該不該回國的評論:
Any way, your husband is looking for the school for your kids. I think the relatively good (not the worst ones, some schools even in USA are really too bad, kids are easily affected by other people), not the best (too hard to get it in) is ok for the kids
gonewithwindatl 發表評論於
不是我瞎編的, Scientific 雜誌上看到, 男人表達喜怒哀樂的能力普遍比女人差. 因為他們腦後的一部分大腦細胞不如女人發達. 當然什麽事都有例外! 也就是說, 男人在很多感情表達的情形下詞不達意! 女人不是多變, 是女人更能夠表達感情. 男人不大能表達清楚他們想說出來的東西, in terms of their emotions! It does take more patience to communicate with men for us as smart women!
該不該回國 發表評論於
回複雪花漂飄的評論:Totally agree with you. I wrote a long email to him, he is looking for the school for kids.From this point we have a different opinion, he thinks the normal shcool is ok, I think we have ability to find good school for my kids.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複windcat的評論:
Thank you. And I think your husband is quite resposible man. I agree with his suggestions. You are lucky wife.
1. Stick together: my husband is not willing as he thinks he will need spend some times on us(me and children) liking finding a school for children at least at the begining.
2. Divorce: he also is not willing as he thinks he can back at any time while he gets problems in China, we are his backup, and of course, better social system in this country.
So that is why I am so angry while I saw this in the original article"我們前幾天通話時他透露出孩子還是在美國好，他2-3個月回來一次。暑假我和孩子回國，這樣我們全年在一起的時間也有5個月。還說我們回去的話，他要分心，不能更全心投入到他的事業中。". This is just exact the same like our husbands said. And I am afraid that "該不該回國" will be end up the same situation like us: separate many years (>25 years) until retired.
Still I would say again life is still going on. However, it is really too suffering to wives, husbands are too selfish, wives like us are just very unlucky.Nothing else.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
Why I am writting here is to let "該不該"´realize this problem, and make clear decision with the husband as soon as possible, and there are at least 5 cases (more than 5 years separation, husbands have no plan to back, no plan to let wives to China) in my place. Of course, life is still going on in this kind of situation. Just mothers suffer very much. Husbands are really too selfish.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複gonewithwindatl的評論:
"雪花, 你應該盡快回去守住你的他的!". Thanks. And to myslef. Of course it is possible always to back to China if I want. However, I feel so meaningless to back to China if my huaband thinks it is not necessary to get the family united.
And from his altitude of dealing family issue, he is not so resposible to me. I will be in quite embrassed situation if I had some difficulty like huge sickness etc. Therefore, you know USA and European contries have quite better social system, the system will take care of me if some problem happens.
I said above that does not mean i only think myslef security. First, what do you feel? If you husband say to you that he does not want take more trouble while you back to China. You feel that you are the extra trouble to him. Of course, it is not so necessary to back to China. No matter how hard the life is, if husband says he needs you, let's us together, and face the hard life, no problem, just back.
Of course, like "windcat" said, just divorce, I suggested divorcing,but denied by my husband, and of course, my children still feel a whole family even sometime father goes away. From children's point, it is better to keep marriage.So the final result is that mother suffering, of course, children also suffering somehow while father is not together. Only husband gets the all benefits as he wishes.
回美後再見麵時,她說"This is my most rewarding work in my life."
Wiserman 發表評論於
"到非洲去慈善服務"
我有一位主任,女性/DIRECTOR,洋人/,離婚後,就到非洲去服務了三年,會美後再見麵是,她說"This is my most rewarding work in my life."
很多洋人的心胸是寬廣的.他們比較不會像很多中國人一樣去鑽牛角尖.
Wiserman 發表評論於
回複該不該回國的評論:
Someone may see you have problem in your brain.
我們老中有個壞毛病,對真實的好話,聽不進去!
我的話,不是為你說的;能聽進去的,必然獲益!
Wiserman 發表評論於
Couples need mutual respect(generic term).
該不該回國 發表評論於
回複asiangirl的評論: It's funney. This guy looks has problem in his brain.
Wiserman 發表評論於
要準備做世界級的公民的意願!
...學甲古文...
Wiserman 發表評論於
從哲學的眼光看(我本行不是,後來我跟一位哲學大師學了二十多年對話/similar to Plato's Dialogue/式的哲學,讀了一些哲學書,感恩!),一個適當的想法是:
既然世上幾乎沒有100%完美的婚姻,那麽雙方就必須努力學習如何適應(從本身做起,互相尊重對方,互相容忍,互相體貼,給予對方空間...),一般情況都會有好結果;若還是不行,你們就得做決定了!人生就是如此,不要"人比人"!該認的就認了!...世界到處都有有趣的事情做,到非洲去慈善服務,去爬山,學新東西...世界是我們的,尤其是現代的中國人,要準備做世界級的公民!
There is no such rule to force people to live in a certain spot, also no such rule to say that you have to stay with this person for life. People come together become they have common ground. Now, the ground is not common any more, just go to find a greener pasture!
I usually advice the troubled spouses to stay together, but later I have found they might not be the real soul mates.... And 90+% of the spouses in the world are not perfect match.
Is that simple!
回複windcat & gonewithwindatl 的評論
1) both have good point: "Sitck together forever, otherwise break it and find new love!!! " & "你如果一個勁的和老公分析這分析那...盡力不要幫你自己的倒忙! "
2) There are many qualified women in China are "waiting" for your Husbands...
3) I also see some cases the other way around. The husbands want to stay in US and the wivies want to go back to China. Well, that's life!
There is no such rule to force people to live a certain spot, also no such rule to say that you have to stay with this person for life. People come together become they have common ground. Now, the ground is not common any more, just go ti find a greener pasture!
住在那裏這麽重要嗎?
夫妻是誰規定的不能"退休"?
每一個人的情況,需要都不同,為何不能自創一格? BE YOURSELF!
4) 討論了這麽久,還在原地踏步踏?!
windcat 發表評論於
Dear Fellow Sisters,
I asked my husband about how to deal with long-term seperation, answer is simple with power: stick together no matter how hard. Other wise, divorce, then you go to china!
This I believe is the best solution for whole family!
I remember when my mom strongly against our marriage, we stick together and life well until my mom admit my husband and love him years later;
We stick together when I am a student and my husband took all kinds of under-table labor jobs (he can find high-pay in other city);
We stick together when my husband pursure his study and I quit my degree in order to company him;
We still stick together when both of us have high pay and lived in one of most beautiful city in North American.
But if I decied to move on for my carreer to another city, my husband will quit and move together.
Stick together is the most beautiful things with power and love and both learn to sacrifice. The results are always warm your heart!!!
Don't find various excuse, I saw many of my good girl-friends suffer huge for seperation. It is very against human-nature, and it broken your faith and your heart!
Sitck together forever, otherwise break it and find new love!!!
gonewithwindatl 發表評論於
雪花, 你應該盡快回去守住你的他的!
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複gonewithwindatl的評論:
Your ths advice is correct, most of us thought this way while husband left for China.
However as I said, some husbands just want themself easilier.They may arrange the family united in China, but they just do not want to do it as more work needed, for instance, arrange the school for children, and family house, wife's control some how.
On the other hand, they do not want divorce, just let wife alnoe in USA for many years, until retired. They enjoy the life in China as long as China is going well, and coming back to USA someday if any problem. And They may find some girlfriend to solve sex problem in China if they want, but how can a mother do that in USA with the children? I do not mean short period, I mean over 25 years in separation state.
This is why many of us are so upset. I guess that your husband is not that kind of man, he will find a way of arrange the unification. So you do not worry it.
回複gonewithwindatl的評論: You said right. After I sent a letter to him, I found he contacted his classmate to ask them to find found. That's mean he would not give up his mind. In the meantime, he sent his resume to USA company to find a job in USA. That's mean he considered my suggestion.
該不該回國 發表評論於
回複雪花漂飄的評論:I totally agree with you. That's what I worried about. That's why I need to decide at this time (he back in China over one year). I told him I already gave him one year to set up or..., he need to think more about us, back to USA or we back to China. That's it.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複gonewithwindatl的評論:
"你不會一年一年等下去。", This is really good wish for the wives.
However, like I said, we (I and 4 friends) have waited for 7 yeasrs, husbands still insist separation, no promise, no plan to arrange the united.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
Simple question: How many years you can tolerate the separation while 5 months together in a years (even not guranted, I know some only 4 months together, only vacation days) and longest time not seeing each other in 3-4 months?
Anybody starts commenting me, please answer my this question?
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複gonewithwindatl的評論:
"他若是那種想拋棄你的人，你就是硬把他留下來，他也不會盡責任與你同甘共苦。你也不要逼著他回來，他若不是笨蛋，會盡量證明自己是對的想辦法在中國留下來。男人都這德性。所以你要等還要忍！
"
If we can 等 husband in 27 years in the separation state, of course, there is no need of discussing here.
Like I said, many wives still tolerate the separation caused by husbands in order to keep the whole family for children even no hope of united before retired.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
"雪兒妹妹一定年輕，", thank you, simply_leaf. If you read my latest comments, then you know I am not younger, I just see the problems so clearly.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
And I hope that "該不該回國 " will not have the same problem like we have. I mean her husband will just have few years let her wait.
Children grow bigger, usually after 10 years old, it is quite hard to back to China if not attend the International schools, but it is not easy for many family to pay IS as it is quite expensive.
And considering of fee and many problems from moving, husband choose easier way to let wives to saty in USA or European countries. Then at least no united before children start university. Even after chindren starting univeristy, then for amny wives, it is not easy to get a job in China, and considering the pension etc., then still separation.
If the marrage still is kept, it is already some how happy end. But many of husband may find a new wife in China in this long term separation. And wives are having high pressure in whole life, and isn't it too rucial for wives?
I think the wife usually think the same as you do. However, there are several husbands in my place just declared that they are very happy in China, no plan to return to this country, and wife just stay in this country permantly with the children, and they can back to this country if something bad in china happens, or he got the big trouble, no plan to arrnage the children and wives to back to China.This mean separation will last until the retirement, family may unite after 20 years + 7 years passed, 27 years separation in whole life. How many years we can live?
If husband tell wife, hi,Lao Po, just wait me for several years, either I will return to USA, either I will arrange you back to China to get family unitfication. Few wives will not be angry.
The real problem is: husband just stays in China with their happy life, no plan to arrange the family unitification.
My statement about sex life is all based on the long-term separation, like 27 years. Do you still think it is not important?
And I know many wives still tolerate even no hope to get the family united in order to give children a whole family.
他隨時有可能堅持不下去!
Do nothing and stay where you are for at least one more year!
You can go visit school while you are in China but try not to take your kids and don't let him know you are considering going back to China IF you still want him to be back to the US!
Six years ago. I was at the exactly the same position as you are now.
Wiserman 發表評論於
嘿嘿!
不打不相識!
好也!
Wiserman 發表評論於
回複"緋"的評論:
因為妳不是版主,我就沒把妳的話拿出來一條條糾正,今天來算一下賬,哈哈!
如:A.妳還沒看請我的話,就武斷地說我把錯推倒一方.
B. 我說"清官難斷家務事”===是說出我們都是局外人,決不是為我自己辯護
C. "...去適應的!＂與"豈不是一勞永逸地解決世界上的所有的問題！"===是不同的事情,妳怎麽把它們混在一起?
D. "他給的建議多大而化之很籠統， 讓你看完了也很糊塗"===是因為妳的邏輯觀程度不夠.
E. "理想和情操是怎麽定義"===妳能定義嗎? 告訴妳,我有.
F. “理想和情操”跟“留在美國”對立起來的。" ===這是妳自己編的!妳沒看請我的話!
G. "他也覺得“培養內在品質”是跟“想性的問題”對立的， 鼓勵人家向尼姑和尚看齊，"=== 真不知道妳在亂說什麽,斷章取義,篡改原意.
H. "...中國女性與洋妞也不同...顯得他在這方麵很有鑽研和心得， 這就有點讓人搞不清楚他的“內在品質”是怎麽回事了。===有這方麵的認識是件好事,我當時就被當地白人女同學稱為"All American Guy!的"
I. "他潛意識裏還是在搞男尊女卑那一套， 女性要處處寬容忍讓..."=== 胡言亂語了!和我的人生觀都不同!
J. "...雖然他隻談了自己的數量能力還沒談到質量能力..."=== 這不是對自己的描述!妳為何如此敏感???
K. "他的typo...(簡單英文)都不知道...quite a unique person”，提問是用 Is 打頭還是 Does 打頭都搞不清楚I"=== 這寫東西我們初中都學過了,一下子用個"AN",又如何? 妳能懂就好,
我還寫了不少,其他的還有錯嗎?現在我們比一下英文如何?擔保把妳殺的片甲不留.
L. "以後拿道德經壓人"=== 我本身是很講道德的人.
M. "就撒嬌耍賴"=== 這是不跟女生鬥爭用的.
N. "不客氣， 為避免你連馬經都抬出來， 我本來是不打算說了。既然你要問， 我就說說我的看法"=== 我本來是問版主的,妳搶著回答是不對的.
O. 對妳的評論:喜歡故作姿態,會一點英文,腦筋邏輯ALL ＭＥＳＳＥＤ ＵＰ！，又會冤枉別人，過分自負．．．
回複該不該回國的評論:
引:"How I say you, I don't want to speak with you anymore."
===
I feel the same. Thanks.
該不該回國 發表評論於
回複gonewithwindatl的評論: Could you please tell me how much your husband and your income per year and roughly cost in Beijing? if you don't like speak here, can QQH to me. Many thanks!
回複該不該回國的評論:
per:"...(visiting schools at the new location) my son and daughter don't like. So we went back to...
===
小孩子都喜歡與"老"朋友在一起的.
我朋友的孩子們就是不要從風城支加哥搬到南加州.短短的幾天看學校,沒有實質的意義!
也許,從國內到美國對一些人(大人,小孩)有點吸引力,那是受到"到美國的幻覺"誤導的影響.
該不該回國 發表評論於
回複Wiserman的評論: How I say you, I don't want to speak with you anymore.
Wiserman 發表評論於
回複該不該回國的評論:
per:"...(visiting schools at the new location) my son and daughter don't like. So we went back to...
===
It is not ONLY happens in China-US relocation. It is true in every place. My friend relocated from Chicago to Irvine, CA years ago. Thier high school children just wanted to stay in Chicago. They don't care about the sunny S. California, they just wanted to stay with their old friends. .... A quick school visit will not do much to the children's mind.
Wiserman 發表評論於
回複"該不該回國"的評論:
引:"...I am over independent...not danosour either. Have good enough EQ. ...such a kind of husband..."
===
Don't get me wrong!
My "independability" focuses on the ability to make a living. It is nothing to do with the sex activities.
gonewithwindatl 發表評論於
To be honest, my husband makes enough money for himself for now at least. I am supporting the cost at the US, to be proudly! I don't mean you should not consider cost, I just say keep your options open. I think it takes at least a year for you to get used to. I was sick of the poluted air for 6 months if not more! Kids will adjust faster. They will have fun once they know they have to stay. You are concerning a lot, and you should be. I always work no matter where I go. Now I am working and taking care of everything at home. In China, you don't have to do house work. It was a good thing for me! For me I also did not make enough friends for myself during the years at China. My kids did. I still like the US life, it was too much fun and excitement at China for man and woman even for kids! I did take them to Starbucks for going to bathroom everywhere!
回複Wiserman的評論: I totally disagree your opinion. I am over independent, my friend always says I am super woman. I claim I am not beautiful, but not danosour either. Have good enough EQ. The question is I met such a kind of husband, and just noticed now.
該不該回國 發表評論於
回複gonewithwindatl的評論: and we need to consider cost. Probably your husband earn enough for your family, but we need to calculate our cost. That's another reason I don't like go back, earn money will cut half, and expense will increase if live in Beijing.
該不該回國 發表評論於
回複gonewithwindatl的評論: Last summer, I went to the local school (gui zhu school) in Beijing, my son and daughter don't like. So we went back to USA. This summer, we will go back again. Recent 4 years, we went to China every summer, I know a lot live in China. Still have some don't like.
gonewithwindatl 發表評論於
回複該不該:
you should go visit all types of schools in China if you have some plans to go back.
I have met kids go to international, local and local school international devision. Don't worry about how much of the costs yet, find out about all your options.
回複緋的評論: I agree with you, that's why I will decide at this time.He has one year experiance in China and I gave him chance to try, but if he still not listen to me, we will go back to China.
該不該回國 發表評論於
回複gonewithwindatl的評論:Thank you! I will. by the way, your son enrolled in international school in China, not local school, right?
海歸子女在中國做人上人的經曆應該不會有壞處. 他的朋友回來的都還滿自信的. 小時候多一點經曆沒什麽壞處. 但他們會沒那末聽話了(a bit over-confident like all teens!). Academic-wise, I think staying in China is getting them behind since they can not go to the local schools.
gonewithwindatl 發表評論於
回複該不該:
我兒子數學應該是比較advance. English is so so. Science is behind. He came back to take all honored and AP classes and did fine. He is getting good SAT but not perfect so I thinks it did affect him! Personality-wise, He is doing great! No more nerd. He is going to be captain for his high school debate team at senior year. Forget to mention, I have a daughter who is 5 years younger. Did not affect her too much academically. But she learned to buy name brand stuff from staying Shanghai for 3 years. Good and bad.
I found the hardest is finding English books to read for them. We used to bring lots of books to China every summer when we came to the US! No 我老公還在中國 most of the time for the year. He wants to come back but not easy. After all man (and woman) has to take his responsibility seriously.
回複gonewithwindatl的評論:謝謝!你的兒子回來後還能適應嗎?我指的是他的英文，social, etc. You are so lucky youcan find a job. You husband back with you?
gonewithwindatl 發表評論於
我是在美國住了18年後跟老公回國了3年.
兒子上高中前回到美國. 幸好找到和走前類似的工作, 否則不知道日子該怎麽過. 人人都知道夫妻分別久了,家庭中各種問題都會很難解決.這中間包括你和他的無法分享的困惑和壓力. 我現在的想法是一切隨緣! 我會經常在電話裏complain (羅嗦平庸!). 想法說出來了感覺好些. Give it some time and give it some patience, enjoy your life as much as you can! Good luck.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複longtermInvestor的評論:
Why do you guess so? “interesting reading, difference between man and woman are so obvious here. I am guessing 雪花漂飄 must be young and beautiful, not much hardship in life, and is enjoying the best of life now. ”
windcat 發表評論於
This article addresses one of most concerned topic happening in North American, and between man and women.
Removing the surface appearance, the deep reason here is the big conflict between culture hungry and financial stability.
Developing country like China provide huge culture rewards for man with decent education and rich opportunities. Amazing food, fresh young girls, tons of friends, flexible rules to play, and close to parents.
Can wives provide similar adventures and exciting in US- a well known culture desert?
Those husbands who have courage to leave their wives and kids for China is the man who love Chinese culture, love chaotic, love exciting, and love adventure. Typically they are not family-oriented man, and an ordinary family life can never satisfy their heart.
These husbands are not searching for results, not matter so much for successful or not, but they are eager for experience! A rich experience!
Can you really win their heart back? Very likely not!!!
Maybe you should learn to be like a wive of "Chen Long"-famous movie star. Let him enjoy the colorful cherish world, let him taste all kinds of women, and you still be an angle for your kids and for this big child. Then sometime at his 50s, he will appreciate your patient and love, and bring all money and respect to you as a old old man...
longtermInvestor 發表評論於
interesting reading, difference between man and woman are so obvious here. I am guessing 雪花漂飄 must be young and beautiful, not much hardship in life, and is enjoying the best of life now.
Do you think it is because we are not attractive to husband? You changed the subject, husband leaves for so-called career because we are not attractive, so anyway, we are just blamed.
Wiserman 發表評論於
回複雪花漂飄的評論:
引"...without any body at present? Funny? "
===
這表示還有其他問題存在.
抱歉,我要戰時休兵.十個小時後再談.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
Wiserman: please answer my 4 questions 1st:
1. I understand somebody doing it, ok, I am not balming anybody doing it. But husband requires wife to do it herself. This is just point: too selflish.
2. The problem is here: our right. freedom as wife is not guranted.
3. How to 合 even without any body at present? Funny?
4. we are very good, 兩人有緣,相處很舒服,"性"趣自然而來., problem ,"性"趣 coming, solved by herself? Is this sacrficed because husband is away?
The problem is: it is not "若是夫妻處處不合,就沒趣了". Just husband is not present at all. Our marrage is quite normal while husband is present.
Wiserman 發表評論於
回複雪花漂飄的評論:
per,"...Why he marry a woman?"
===
兩人有緣,相處很舒服,"性"趣自然而來.
若是夫妻處處不合,就沒趣了.
就是這麽簡單.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複Wiserman的評論:
引:"...my freedom, you cannot require me to be 和尚,神父,修女,尼姑...沒有性生活,照樣活,像那位聖女德勒薩."
===
Youer freedom is honored!
I also honor these 和尚,神父,修女,尼姑s.
The problem is here: our right. freedom as wife is not guranted
I understand somebody doing it, ok, I am not balming anybody doing it. But husband requires wife to do it herself. This is just point: too selflish
Wiserman 發表評論於
引:"...my freedom, you cannot require me to be 和尚,神父,修女,尼姑...沒有性生活,照樣活,像那位聖女德勒薩."
===
Youer freedom is honored!
I also honor these 和尚,神父,修女,尼姑s.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複Wiserman的評論:
When somebody, especially husband requires wife to be living like 修女,尼姑? Do you think it is funny? Why he marry a woman?
Wiserman 發表評論於
回複雪花漂飄的評論:
引,"...solve her sexy life by herself..."
===
我不強求別人的愛好,順性而為,相配而合.
世界上的趣事很多,不要太專著一件事上.OK?!
我是什麽都敢講,很多事都看過,進過八間大學,修不同的科係...所以...多言了.
我也有:傳道,授業,解惑的使命.所以很喜歡與人交流.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複Wiserman的評論:
We are not think sex all day. We are natual human being. I do not want to be 和尚,神父,修女,尼姑...沒有性生活,照樣活,像那位聖女德勒薩. This is my freedom, you cannot require me to be 和尚,神父,修女,尼姑...沒有性生活,照樣活,像那位聖女德勒薩.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複Wiserman的評論:
I am comparing my husband with any body, but it must be woman's nightmare to have a man like you as husband.
I mean my husband at least does know his duty as husband.
I just think you are not normal, so special. So it is not in the scope of our discussion. And I would not anwser your any question.
回複Wiserman的評論:
So you require your wife solve her sexy life by herself? And she is satisfied with it?
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
Do you think life still happy, normal while your sexy life must be solved by yourself without husband? By your hands? Going China for good career is worth of it? And our country China will be stronger
Wiserman 發表評論於
回複雪花漂飄的評論:
per,"....At least my husband did not say this way, I think I really want to divorce ..."
===
Good, just suit yourself. If you can find someone matches with you so well, then you're really lucky.
Do not compare. We Chinese say,"人比人,氣死人!"
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
Friends
It is really new for me to know: independent woman means that woman should solve sexy life herself without husband.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複Wiserman的評論:
And I am not curious your sexy life at all, but just this question bothered women like us, nobody dares saying out. And I never know independent woman meaning to solve sexy life herself.
At least my husband did not say this way, I think I really want to divorce if my husband said this.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複Wiserman的評論:
The problem is that I do not want to do it myslef. I think my husband has the duty to do this with me. Otherwise, I really cannot image why we need husband. Why we need marrage?
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複Wiserman的評論:
首先:女人一定要有獨立的能力!...
I think that everyone of us here(woman) is independ from husband, but one thing cannot be done without husband, you know what.
回複雪花漂飄的評論:
per, "...No sexy life in 3 months is ok for you?..."
===
I'm a quite an unique person. Actually, everyone is different. One love-making in three months is OK with me.
Three times per day is also OK with me. If no sex partner, I'll do it to myself if I feel there is a need.
Is that satisfy your curiosity?
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複Wiserman的評論:
I did not ask where, but when? Once a year like panda?
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
回複Wiserman的評論:
No sexy life in 3 months is ok for you? Do you feel happy withuot sexy life in 3 months?
回複雪花漂飄的評論:
per,"Wiserman: You are really too wise. You should not be in this forum..."
Thanks for your comments. I am liable to every word I wrote! Any other question?
Some of ladies here are not treating husbands as a equal member of a family in their subconscious. They are taking it for granted that husbands must be ready to make sacrifice for the family anytime. If you think that way, then you need to be prepared to be ready to sacrifice yourself for the family at any time.
The best marriage should be for both parties to make sacrifice for family without comparing who makes more sacrifice, if you compare, it feels more like a business. But that is a very hard standard, most of people can't do that, the next step would be treat everybody equal like business partners, do your share of responsibility if you require a similar contribution from the other side, discounted by different life attitude and aspirations. Discounting is important, because husbands and wives have different interests..."
===================
...this is a very good observation and advice for every married couple.
Wiserman 發表評論於
回複longtermInvestor的評論:
per:"...Some of ladies here are not treating husbands as a equal member of a family in their subconscious. They are taking it for granted that husbands must be ready to make sacrifice for the family anytime. If you think that way, then you need to be prepared to be ready to sacrifice yourself for the family at any time.
The best marriage should be for both parties to make sacrifice for family without comparing who makes more sacrifice, if you compare, it feels more like a business. But that is a very hard standard, most of people can't do that, the next step would be treat everybody equal like business partners, do your share of responsibility if you require a similar contribution from the other side, discounted by different life attitude and aspirations. Discounting is important, because husbands and wives have different interests..."
Indeed, this is a very good observation and advice for every married couple.
longtermInvestor 發表評論於
"先考慮自己和孩子,夫妻關係放到第三位", a few female friends give similar advices like the one quoted, they also blame the husband in concern "not responsible" at the same time. The irony here is maybe the husband's philosophy is just same as these ladies suggested: "先考慮自己 and career,夫妻關係放到第三位", :) I am not saying who is right or wrong, but it is always helpful to think from other people's angle.
For wife to stay in US as backup plan, this maybe a tough job, but it is a backup for the family, not just for husband. Also it is not forever, just for one year. If the husband in concern does not take advantage of good "sex" service available in China, it is tough for him too.
Some of ladies here are not treating husbands as a equal member of a family in their subconscious. They are taking it for granted that husbands must be ready to make sacrifice for the family anytime. If you think that way, then you need to be prepared to be ready to sacrifice yourself for the family at any time.
The best marriage should be for both parties to make sacrifice for family without comparing who makes more sacrifice, if you compare, it feels more like a business. But that is a very hard standard, most of people can't do that, the next step would be treat everybody equal like business partners, do your share of responsibility if you require a similar contribution from the other side, discounted by different life attitude and aspirations. Discounting is important, because husbands and wives have different interests, something for wives are natural, but could be a sacrifice for husbands, it is true the other way around.
Finally, luck plays an important role in life and marriage too, do not force it too much one way or the other. Always think in a positive way. If it is really too much a burden to take care of two kids, you can send one kid to China, or both of them to China. Not a big deal, huh?
There are two groups of husbands when treating wife:
Group 1: they believe the wife is the one to love, to care for, and to protect.
They are willing to sacrifice their own interest for the wife and kids.
Group 2: they believe the wife is the one to be used, to be depend on, and to be backup.
Group 1's wife is the lucky one.
Group 2's wife is the unlucky one. You should either admit your fate, and learn to sacrifice yourself for your family; otherwise, you should have courage to give up this marriage and looking for a Group 1 husband.
Two of my closed friends have the same situation like you, they feel very pain, because they want to be taking care and to be loved, but their husbands just want to use them as backup and babysitter. One already divorced and remaining single; another still suffering but slowly begin to admit her role in the family.
fannie: Married or not? Good for a mother without any sex life in 2-3 months? What are the problem for our Chinese?
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
揚子江酒店: I do not see this lady's 性格 has any problem. It is very normal for a mother wondering this as she put children on the top of herself. This lady is so good. he wants a better solution and try to get consultants here, not like husband, just leave.
I am really ashamed for many chinese man, they went back to China, like being there, but do not want to take wife and children to there. How conflicting idea, let wife without sexy life in 2-3 months for his career, stupid. What this career is for? Only just he has good title, foolish.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
該不該回國: And your children attend in schools in China, it is not really bad, learn Chinese and their own culture roots, then English, no problem, multiculture background. I mean backing to China is not bad at all for your children.But just whether or not you like staying in China, and whether or not you may get a satisfied job in China.
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
該不該回國: I have the same experience as you are now 7 years ago, I understand your situation completely. 1st, you forced your husband staying in USA, this is not right, he is a man, he has his own feeling of working, no matter what he likes, more social life in China is not bad, some people likes social life, some people do not like, like alone, peaceful life. You cannot force your husband lik USA life.
But my point is: your husband is too selflish because of this: "他透露出孩子還是在美國好，他2-3個月回來一次。暑假我和孩子回國，這樣我們全年在一起的時間也有5個月。還說我們回去的話，他要分心，不能更全心投入到他的事業中。". If he as a man, the core of the family life like living whereever he likes, but should arrange wife and the children to be with him.
Family should be together, either husband or wife get a more satisfied job in other place, should consider spouse and children, and arrnge properly.
Divorcing is not so hurry, except you get a new man friend, and you like him very much, you should be more active to find a new man friend if you really like USA life. Otherwise, just keepingthe situation, let your current husband flying until he gets boring, maybe he will find a new wife in China, be preparing for this.
緋 發表評論於
wiserman這樣的男人真的很恐怖。
揚子江酒店 發表評論於
依她的性格，回不回國最後可能都要離婚。可憐了小孩了。。。
雪花漂飄 發表評論於
Wiserman: You are really too wise. You should not be in this forum.
該不該回國: do not be so worry. Here I am living in one of European country, there are several examples like you. Your husband is not resposible man, he is too selfish. Be strong and take care of your 2 children, they will be independent after 10 years (actually 5 years, it will be much easier for you). And if you may be independent and get the permanent job, and you like China very much, just go back to China with your children, they will adpate to China quite easily. If yourself cannot get the permanent job, do not like China, just stay in USA. Do not think about where is better for children, only think where is better for you. Children either in China or USA have pro and cos.
She has following troubles:
(1) Husband is not a responsible family-oriented man;
(2) Raising two kids and have a full-time job are too much works;
(3) She don't enjoy her current job;
(4) She and her husband is a middle-income, not rich enough to hire full-time nanny in US.
(5) She already at mid-age, not young and attractive anymore
I guess based on above conditions , the best solve is to go back together to China. In this way:
(1) Keep family safe, this is the best gifts for two kids than divorce;
(2) Can hire full-time nanny take-care of house-keeping jobs;
(3) She can have a freedom to chose a new excting career or become a relaxing house-wife;
(4) She will become more attractive because social support and cheaper labor;
(5) She will have more time with her mom and dad,...
(6) Her husband will love her again if she learn not to complain:)
simply_leaf 發表評論於
回複Caterpillar123的評論:
看來你覺得她應該回國，給她的婚姻家庭一個新機會？
Caterpillar123 發表評論於
Sorry I don't know if she is a good mother. But she is a fantastic babysitter for sure.
She has been talking a lot about US, GC, citizenship...Kids like US. No doubt because they grow up here. But remember, her husband and her are actually the parents of the kids, not the "US".
You have been making him a part time father for these many years and he does not think it is a big deal to be "laid off" at all.
We have to make choices all the time in our life. But we have to be clear what is the most important to us. You always blame your husband ignore the family, kids... but what about you? Making choices between family and funiture? Boy's swimming classes over his father?...
very appreciate for XDJM's idea. Right now my husband think at his age (39 year), it is the only chance that he can get to develep his career. He has a decent job in America, but he doesn't like. He likes social, drink alcohol, make more friends, don't like america's boring life, and just as a senior engineer. So he decided to "xi sheng" short family's life to gain his longer happy life. And ask me to stay in america for one year to get citizen for after 5 years, we will back to america, let my kids go to middle school. You know it is hard for me to take care of 2 kids with full time job. I didn't expect it is so difficult. In america, we live apart around 70 miles, and I take care of 2 kids, and we bought a house nearby his job because I think I will move within one year, and every weekend I will take my 2 kids driving to our house. He doesn't like and always angry to me that I don't move. right now, he went away. I always ask him what is your happy life? kids without father? wife without husband? and recently I met a lot of trouble: car, personl, job, kids's day care... all these trouble made me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like live america and my kids like too. He doesn't like USA when he come. He came to usa for his phD, just earn money in recent 4 years, and I work here since I came, and easily and quickly to get GC.We also have a new big house. if we moved back to china, we will sell our new furnitures and whole staff in house which is just 2 years old. will lose a lot of money. That is what I don't like.and feeling is not good, but if don't move, it is hard for me...............that's why I I need your suggestion. Thank you guys again!!!!!
