One sunny day I was lamenting my miserable life on the sofa with a cup of tea in my hand. My husband started to educate me. "you should be grateful. you forgot how happy you were when you received the job offer. you earned more than the scientist in our company. he has two PhD ......"
My anger roared inside of me. I started to yell at him :" be grateful for what? do you know every client of mine earn 1000 times more than we combined together? why can't you earn more? when can I move to Maui? when can I work with people I like and do things I enjoy?......"
A long long silence. Both were hurt. Then he said:"I just want you be happy. Why can't you focus on what you have? why can't you compare with your past? why you have to compare with those who are much better than us?"
I felt terrible guilty. We are so different. He is always content and I am always unsatisfied. We fight often. His pollyanna drives me nuts and my dark blue upsets him.
"you know life is all about happiness. at the end, we all die. you win if you live everyday happy!" He proclaimed!
"I also want to be like you but I am not you. I can't be happy if I try to be you. I must be myself and then I may have a chance to find my geniune tiny happiness!" I protested.
At that moment, I suddenly understood something profound. I constantly want to be myself. At the same time, I want the outcomes or quality of lives of those who are completely different from me. My personality makes me unpopular and difficult to suceed. I want to be someone else who can succeed. But an apple tree cannot wish itself to an orange tree or work itself to a banana tree or pray itself to a mango tree. It was born to be an apple tree. It only produces apples.
It is ok to be an apple. Forget about all those oranges. Their juicy lives are seducive but an apple will never be able to be happy if it pretends to be an orange.
All I need to do is to ask my own heart:
- what do I really want in this life?
- what kind of things bring joy to my heart?
- what kind of people may become my friends?
- what are my priorities in 24 hours routine?
- what kind of people bring the best out of me?
- what brings the worst out of me?
- can I change and still be true to my nature?
- can my nature be improved by awareness, expanded consiciousness, knowledge, experience, books, people?
- why others' success make me feel so bad?
- shall we ever compare with others?
- why we compare with others?
- what drives the comparison?
- if I refuse to compare, can I have peace and be happy?
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