家有愛寫作的娃媽來報道

來源: 2019-08-11 23:25:11 [] [舊帖] [給我悄悄話] 本文已被閱讀: 次 (28853 bytes)

家裏小朋友很今年12歲,很喜歡寫作文,想要和大家交流一下,這是她去年寫的一個故事,參加本地圖書館的scary story的征文,題目要求用到劃線的幾個詞。我覺得很好,但是沒進前三名,想聽聽高手的意見。

The Mark of the Diamond

  Trinity shivered. She didn’t want to be here. And yet here she was, standing before a towering, grimy mansion, its gruesome walls padded with moss and rotted ivy. Her father’s hand slipped protectively into hers. Though somewhat money hungry, Trinity’s father was a kindhearted, loving man. 

  They were part of an expedition to find a diamond, which would open the will othe owner of the huge manor. No living man had entered the solemn house and returned alive after he died. Now, only five were brave enough to venture in: the head of the group, his assistant, a politician, Trinity, and her father.

  The organizer of the team stepped boldly to the door and motioned for his assistant to open it. He strode through the ancient stone arc. The aide quickly followed. The politician held the door open as Trinityand her father passed. 

  When they were inside, Mr. Cameron turned to face his crew, only to find just two were left behind. The deputy and the politician lay dead on the floor. There was only a trembling girl, her horror-stricken father, and himself.

 They examined the bodies of the dead men. On the palm of each person’s right hand was a triangular mark, dripping with ichor.

  “Look!” gasped Trinity, pointing at the door. They looked. The latch was the same shape as the strange mark on the dead men’s hands.

  “Well,” Mr. Cameron articulated, “You-” he pointed at Trinity’s father, “-examine the front door. The latchmay contain the diamond. Your daughter will go with me. She will be safe.” With those last words, he gripped her hand and sauntered towards the other end of the hall. As she turned, Trinity mouthed, “Don’t touch it, whatever you do.”

  Mr. Cameron led Trinity to a small room and carefully locked her in. He sighed. “I’m sorry. Youmust be safe” Trinity was afraid. She gave a high-pitched scream.

  Meanwhile, her father had wrapped a handkerchief around the handle of the front door. He grasped it and pulled gently. A sparkling diamond in the shape of a triangle popped out and lay on the cloth. Then, he heard Trinity’s keening, ululating shriek. He was startled, and the handkerchief slipped. Trinity’s father instinctively grabbed the diamond and sprinted towards the sound of her voice. 

  He knocked his head onto the door of the room in which his daughter was locked upand he died.Through a crack in the door, Trinity could see that inhis palm lay the diamond. He had the same scar-like mark. Mr. Cameron seized the diamond and fell to the ground a moment later, no longer alive. The diamond slipped into a small pool of blood from her father. Itbegan to glow with a coldfrightening radiance. As the light engulfed them, they stood up, dead, yet alive.Then, footsteps sounded from outside.

   Trinity saw the members of the expedition, in the same state as the other two. They walked to the diamond, then faced the door. She was a helpless girl, cornered by the dead that came back to life.

所有跟帖: 

寫得不錯,這個年齡的文章已經開始有政治上的正確性了,尤其是圖書館征文比賽 -tax2- 給 tax2 發送悄悄話 tax2 的個人群組 (245 bytes) () 08/12/2019 postreply 05:29:03

謝謝,沒有糾結得獎 -葡萄團子媽- 給 葡萄團子媽 發送悄悄話 葡萄團子媽 的個人群組 (116 bytes) () 08/12/2019 postreply 09:15:45

本地小比賽的偶然性很大,不用介意。 -紅蘭花花- 給 紅蘭花花 發送悄悄話 紅蘭花花 的博客首頁 紅蘭花花 的個人群組 (246 bytes) () 08/12/2019 postreply 08:30:49

謝謝好建議,會讓她去看看人家怎麽寫的 -葡萄團子媽- 給 葡萄團子媽 發送悄悄話 葡萄團子媽 的個人群組 (289 bytes) () 08/12/2019 postreply 09:22:32

看“人家”的意義不大,小朋友不必overfit。 -古代的事物- 給 古代的事物 發送悄悄話 古代的事物 的個人群組 (96 bytes) () 08/12/2019 postreply 11:42:22

謝謝,你說的很對,應該考慮怎麽引導她。 -葡萄團子媽- 給 葡萄團子媽 發送悄悄話 葡萄團子媽 的個人群組 (0 bytes) () 08/12/2019 postreply 13:17:10

得獎的文章你應該可以看得見,你和你老公看一下就知道為什麽了 -tax2- 給 tax2 發送悄悄話 tax2 的個人群組 (0 bytes) () 08/12/2019 postreply 13:06:54

是的 -葡萄團子媽- 給 葡萄團子媽 發送悄悄話 葡萄團子媽 的個人群組 (0 bytes) () 08/12/2019 postreply 13:18:10

Some Advice to the Author. -taian12- 給 taian12 發送悄悄話 taian12 的個人群組 (1440 bytes) () 10/01/2019 postreply 14:20:25

Some Advice to the Author. -taian12- 給 taian12 發送悄悄話 taian12 的個人群組 (1440 bytes) () 10/01/2019 postreply 14:20:28

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