畢業工作，社交為先
作者：約翰·科爾曼 2013年06月07日 11:30
社交活動是大學生活的核心。眾多同齡人朝夕相處，在豐富多樣的社會活動中激揚青春，在平等討論的氛圍中產生了純真友誼。這是各個學院或者研究生院裏最吸引人的元素，也是最讓人割舍不下的東西。
但是，跟隨在畢業之後的，往往是社交上的孤立。我也這樣一路走來，太清楚那種感覺了。本科畢業後，我搬到了華盛頓特區，告別了一年的郊區生活，那時我曾在那打工。而在華盛頓這個陌生的城市，我幾乎沒什麽朋友，我開始努力建立新的社交圈子。後來研究生畢業後，我又搬到了亞特蘭大，但一年之內不得不往返於亞特蘭大和波士頓，因為我太太正在波士頓攻讀研究生課程。由於這種日程安排，我在那個被稱為“家”的城市裏基本沒機會交友或參加業餘活動。那時的我，毫無成就感，隻有孤獨焦慮整日與我相伴。如今，我連做夢都想回到過去的校園生活。
我的經曆並非個案。《紐約時報》最近還感慨，當大多數人從研究生院畢業、跨入三十歲大關後，結交新朋友簡直比登天還難。主要是因為，畢業之後，鞏固友誼的三大關鍵元素失靈了。這三個元素分別是：一、親近感；二、反複多次、不需要任何安排的互動；三、讓人放下戒心、彼此信賴的環境。當職場新人們找了一份每周要出差三四天的工作時，這種情況就更明顯了。我常聽到朋友抱怨說：他們賣力工作，卻無暇建立新友誼或者浪漫戀情，也難以維係家庭關係、聯係老朋友，以及回饋社區。
這真是一場悲劇。因為社會交往至關重要，甚至可能比職業生涯的意義更重。數不清的研究都表明，社會交往或友誼與健康之間形成的聯係，不僅能延年益壽，還能促進腦部健康，甚至能影響你的體重。一項研究還發現，在心髒健康方麵，隻有抽煙的巨大傷害才能匹敵社會孤立的負麵影響。友誼和社交圈子是幸福的關鍵組成部分，而且隨著年齡增長，友誼的重要性隻會增加而絕不會降低。家庭也同樣重要。研究者發現，隨著時間推移，幸福與家庭之間的聯係，要比幸福與收入的關係更加緊密。另外，75%的成年人把家庭看作是生活中最重要、最令人滿意的部分。誌願者和社區服務也有助於增加人的幸福感、產生各式各樣的生活圈和團體。但家庭、友誼、社區服務這所有一切，都限製了我們工作的日程安排，並在一段時間內牢牢地把我們留在了某個地方。
為什麽許多人畢業後不約而同地忽視了這些方麵？因為人們轉移了他們的注意力。職業生涯的成功顯而易見且易於衡量，例如獲得加薪和晉升。努力工作也是一種迫切的需求，否則就沒錢付賬單。與之相反，社交活動則較為軟性，不需要著急去做，我們告訴自己：等事業再上新台階之後，總有時間去看朋友、陪家人、參加社區服務。但這種紊亂的優先級排序，盡管出自好意，卻會導致我們損壞重要的社交關係，甚至影響未來的健康和幸福。
作家布倫尼·韋爾（Bronnie Ware）曾做過了很多年的護理工作，照顧過不少病人度過了生命的最後時光。基於這一經曆，她寫下了《臨終病人的五大憾事》一書，講述了人們臨終前最後悔的五件事。該書非常值得一讀，其中兩點直接涉及到了社交生活。病人們說：“我真希望自己沒那麽努力工作過。”——他們渴望能有更多時間陪伴愛人和孩子，同時，很多人還表達了想要“和朋友們保持聯絡”的願望。始於1938年的一項研究或許能更準確地概括這種情緒。該項研究追蹤了267位哈佛畢業生，從他們畢業開始一直持續了70年。不少人野心勃勃，而且在職業道路上非常成功，其中包括後來的美國總統約翰·肯尼迪（John F. Kennedy）。這項研究最重要的研究結論是什麽？“幸福是愛，僅此而已。”工作很重要，但生活高於一切。
對所有的職場新人而言，我不打算花時間列舉建立社交圈子的方法——通過浪漫的戀情、參加宗教或民間組織、和現在的朋友聚會或者抽空認識新朋友。因為從某種意義上講，人類是社會性動物，我們都知道該如何做，所以，我在此僅僅提供建議：別忘了，社交活動是學生時代最重要的部分。畢業後應該做的，就是用你所學去創造一種幸福、均衡和富有成就感的生活。（譯/袁紫千 校/安健）
Community is the heart of university. Students mix with other similarly aged people in an environment ripe with social activity, friendship, ideation, and discussion. It's the most powerful element of college or graduate school — and also the most jarring to leave behind.
Social isolation often follows graduation. I know firsthand. After college, I moved to Washington, D.C., and ended up living in the suburbs near work for a year, struggling to connect with others in a new city where few friends lived nearby. And after graduate school, I moved to Atlanta, but had to commute for one year back and forth to Boston where my wife was finishing grad school — a schedule that made it nearly impossible to get involved with friends or organizations in the city I called home. During those times, I found myself unfulfilled, lonely, and restless — struggling to rediscover the community and connection I'd taken for granted the year before.
My experience is reasonably typical. The New York Times recently lamented the difficulties in making new friends as a person enters their 30s (the age at which many are leaving graduate school), largely because the three essential ingredients to forging friendship are lacking or harder to find post-university — "proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other." And this is exacerbated when young professionals take jobs that find them on the road three to four days per week. I've heard this time and again from my friends who are working hard but finding it difficult to forge new friendships or romantic partnerships, connect with old friends or the families they have, and give back to the communities in which they live.
This is tragic because community is so important — perhaps even more important than career. Numerous studies have shown the link between health and community or friendship — prolonging life, promoting brain health, and even influencing your weight. One study even found that only smoking is as deleterious to men's heart health as lack of social support. Research has also shown that friendship and community are key elements to happiness. And the importance of these friendships only increases with age. Family relationships are similarly important. Researchers have found a much stronger relationship between happiness and family relationships over time than between happiness and income; and 75 percent of adults consider their families to be the most important and satisfying element of their lives. Voluteering and community service also lead to happier individuals and communities alike. But all of these — family, friendship, community service — are connected to our ability to limit our working schedules and firmly plant ourselves in a place for a period of time.
So why do so many of us so consistently deprioritize these things after graduation? We simply fail to focus on it. Career success is visible and easy to define. We can measure it in raises and promotions. And it has urgency because it's what allows us to pay our bills. Community, meanwhile, is something soft and seemingly without urgency — we tell ourselves there will always be time for friendship, family, and community service just after we've mounted the next hill of career success. But this skewed prioritization — done with the best of intentions — can lead us to sadly kick important relationships, civic service, and our own happiness and well-being further and further down the road.
Author Bronnie Ware spent many years as a nurse caring for others in the last few weeks of their lives. Based on that experience, she wrote a now famous essay (and book) on her dying patients' top five regrets. All are worth a read, but two relate directly to community. Bronnie's dying patients claimed, "I wish I hadn't worked so hard" — expressing a longing to have spent more time with their spouses and children. And they coupled that with the desire to have "stayed in touch with my friends." Their sentiments were summed up perhaps even more concisely in the conclusions of a study started in 1938 which followed 267 Harvard graduates, many of whom were ambitious and professionally successful (including future president John F. Kennedy), for seventy years after college. The primary conclusion of that study? "Happiness is love. Full stop." Career is important. But community conquers all.
