Your post shows you don't know yourself.

You don't really know what you want, or rather you know what you want is wrong for you and you still want it, and you are upset because you can't find a solution for your dilemma.

You need a place to vent your frustration, and apparently this forum didn't turn out to be the right place for you.

It doesn't matter how long you have been living in the west, you still didn't learn much about the spiritual side of life. When I say spiritual side, I don't mean to have a religion, I mean the purpose of life in general. If you can find that, you will have a very different attitude.

Wish you can find a peace of mind somewhere somehow.