(2014-09-03 02:31:42) 下一個

The rain descended like gleams of silver. Each raindrop that pitter pattered onto the window dribbled down in silver trickles of water. I was in my room, listening to the harmonic thrumming of the rain.

Ah, what a great weather for a pleasurable, relaxing nap”, I thought to myself. Then it struck me. I have not yet completed my personal essay, and therefore, instead of luxuriating in this cool weather, I have to write an essay about my life. I opened a blank page on my computer and tried to think of something to write about. I never thought my English writing skills were exceptional or adroit, and thinking about writing an essay made me a little apprehensive. Watching raindrops chase across the window, I began to peruse my life. The room was silent, save for the raindrops chinking off my window, and the clock which ticked like a metronome. I contemplated and endeavoured, but to no avail, I could not come out with something to write about.

I concluded that writing an essay about my own life would not be a facile task.

I mean, I have only lived sixteen years and eight months of life, nothing much has really happened. I pondered events in my life which are significant to me, and how they impacted me as a person, but just could not find any. I wondered why I do not have any noteworthy events in my life. Then I realised, my life might just be like that piece of plain, white sheet on my computer screen.

Totally blank.

As I ruminate, I came to a realisation that life is indeed like a piece of paper. It is up to us to fill it up with whatever we want - failures, losses, gains, successes and victory, so that we can piece together those memories that are important to us. Like rain, there might be delightful drizzles or violent storms, our lives are filled with both pleasant and unpleasant episodes, while it is our choice on which memory to be imprinted onto that piece of paper. What is my paper like? I doubt that I have filled my paper with the memories that I want to hold on to, considering the fact that I could not come out with something to write about for my essay.

Then all of a sudden something insightful dawned on me!

Little blissful things in  life like dining out with my family every weekend, going out with my friends after long dreadful exams, or just sitting at home enjoying the cool weather, these are the marvelous memories that fill my life with contentedness. It is the trepidation that I might never experience it again, unconsciously makes me trying to forget. I guess I am too pessimistic to think that way, now that I have experienced the ecstasy, something execrable is definitely going to happen. Instead of celebrating the happiness, I convinced myself that they were ominous.

The truth about my paper is that, it is definitely not empty, but it is untidy, disordered and cluttered. I could remember, but did not see the significance of it to me and so I chose to forget. With fear and doubt, I decided that I should circumvent my paper in hope that my life will be easier.

Nevertheless, attempting to forget makes one remember more. That first time I got scolded by my teacher for running out in the rain during a P.E. lesson in primary school, that first time I failed my examination in Secondary school, and that first time I realised I lost an invaluable friendship of six years. First times. After experiencing a kind of pain for the first time, no one would want to feel those vexatious memories again.

Although ignorance is a joy, escaping might not be the best choice. I am now conscious of the fact that things happen to serve a purpose; failures and losses happen so that they can prepare me to face greater challenges in life, and by embracing failure, or rather, the experience, I receive wisdom and develop the necessary character and strength. We can follow wherever the wind brings us to, and we should confront the waves we face, but it is up to us to decide whether we want to change the direction and where we like to sail to. Indeed we should let life follow its course, but change in our mind-set and attitude towards life is somehow inevitable and essential.

Looking at the random raindrops that fell from the sky, I felt the insignificance of life. As the rain stops, the puddles of rain on the ground will dry up, just like our existence, but the world will continue to exist. No matter what happens in our life, the rain will not stop for us, nor will the world. Everything in nature seems to be timeless, while humans are rushing to accomplish everything they can in their ephemeral lifetime. However, like each single rain drop, each of us is unique in shape and size, we are similar, yet different from each other. Even though you might not think your life story is significant or satisfactory as compared to others, every individual has their own peculiar story and you are the main character of your life story, this makes you and your life momentous. Since you are also the writer of your own life, you get to decide what's important to you. Therefore, with the limited length and space of our piece of paper, we should strive to organise it, fill it, live it, for a purpose.

I became cognizant of the need to find a purpose in life. Not knowing what to write for an essay shows that I tend to forget and forgo things that happen in life. Saying that you are unable to recall the failures and missteps in your life is just an excuse to avoid reality. Although we might think that we have forgotten, we actually remember even more, it’s just that we refuse to face them, thus we cannot learn from them and get over them.

The truth about my paper is that, it is definitely not empty, but it is untidy, disordered and cluttered. I did not realise that although I have only lived sixteen years and eight months, I lived a really insignificant sixteen years and eight months that could have been significant if I paid attention to my piece of paper.

It is not empty, but it is blank.

The sun filtered through the clouds, signalling the end of the rain, and also the end of my personal essay experience.


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