80 後

今天才算弄明白了，80後，到底意味著什麽。

實在是很難去描述這種無比性感的感覺……

一直，都是一個人長大。和其他的孩子不一樣，小時候，他們工作忙，我就一個人玩。也因為他們工作忙，所以，我一個人長大。一個人思考，一個人玩。就這樣。特別是10歲以後，院子裏的小孩子都被逼迫著學習而我卻被當野孩子來對待時。就是這樣。

其實，一直沒覺得奇怪。直到那天和媽媽講電話為止。原來，我都是一個人長大的。可能就因為這樣，我的思想才那麽天馬行空。沒有覺得什麽是不可能的，沒人教我現實是什麽。很固執的相信一些別人看起來特別愚蠢的東西。所以，有時候覺得辛苦。

經常會覺得很寂寞。這就是為什麽，I am dying for Haruki's books。在那個世界裏，我可以很容易的理解很多事情。我會找到共通的感覺。我會覺得，這個書打開的門，是我可以進去的。很多年紀大的孩子可能會覺得這樣的感覺很奇怪，但，卻是很真實的。

明天開始，想自閉了。將自己totally space out，該背單詞背單詞，該幹什麽幹什麽。有點累了。和一些人說著看似很熟悉的話。真的累了。我想，我該學會去適應這種生活。其實現在，我還是很享受這種寂寞。如果你聽不懂，那我就不說了。這樣，很好。我，隻想好好照顧自己的心情。就可以了。

今天給自己放了假。休息了一天。直到現在，才平靜下來。我不得不說，當一本小說看完，一段旅途結束時，那種心情，真的是很奇怪的。為旅途上的美景而感動的歎息，卻為結束而難過的想哭泣。在那個世界裏，我玩的那麽開心。要出來，真的不容易。唉，Norwegian Wood...wut a decent book。

Haruki is an only child...I understand perfectly the feeling he described. It is very hard for me to truely love doing sth. It is damn damn damn true. I just cant do it. I tried. I tried a lot. I cant love sth for a perfectly long time ( repeatin word , oops). Every time, I see people dying for doing sth., I just jealous. I do jealous. I have no belief. It is my problem, or shall I say, it is a problem for whole post-80s.

Wut good is, am still young I still have time to look for. I do not want to live, for live.

Tomorrow, I will get up early, do some work and have a nice day. I still believe, I deserve something better. I was overwhelmed by some kinda pressure in past a few days. I know I was out of control....Every word I said simply , had no meaning at all. I even could not recall wut I have done or wut I have said.

You know wut....all the paragraphs in English above...are writen in the way Haruki's books are translated. Funny. Seems I am producing another piece of work. All the words are fake, or true...who can judge? Another nice feeling, too. Ambiguity. I love it. I truely love it.

Donno why, I am just in the mood of writting in this kind of English. Am I pretending to continue Norwegian Wood? I do not know. Who can tell? But so many words are in my mind and I have to through them away, out of my head. Or I cant have a nice dream. Logical, and reasonable ( my favourite words, thanks to my law lectures ).

I think of sth.

"If I disapear now...., I wonder if any of the billions of people, would be sad."

"Gal, I have got the answer now. It is not nice to hear, though. Are you sure you want to know the answer?"

"Yes, please."

"Nah. No body would feel sad for ur vanishing."

"Why?"

"Because they are busy with their lives. And u , simply is not part of their lives. "

"Why? We are close!"

"Not close enought to be their lives, part of, I mean."

"Why?"

"Dont ask so many whys. They are just the rules. Listen, nobody would pay least attention to ur vanishing."

"U are joking!!!!U cheat!!!!"

"Then, why not disappear now and lets see who will be sad."

"OK!!! Bye Bye."

"Wut a stupid girl...."

End up here. I am starving. So, time to sleep. Bye bye. I do not know, when I would come back. May be tomorrow, may be never.

Come to think of this, if, it is possible, to disappear, now, with all my feelings, all my words, all my worlds.....I guess it is a really hard thing to do, cause I may take some people with me...as, they are my worlds.