孩子，初戀要趁早

There are many learning processes to be completed at one’s teenage years, like driving a car, choosing a major and establishing some life goals. Teenage years are also be the best time to learn another very important lesson - love (an essential yet significant part in one’s life). If the first love happens before adulthood, it would be a love that is pure, genuine and innocent. It would be a precious growing-up lesson and an unforgettable experience that one will appreciate and benefit from for the lifetime. 

It is reported that teenagers' love, so called "a puppy's love", is actually a true love that could be even more intense than an adult's love. However, researchers also advise that the average length of a teenagers' love is only 3 to 4 months. It sure is challenging for teenagers to experience such an intense love in such a short period of time.? So it is necessary to provide them with some pre-course work.  

The definition of love may have thousands of different versions. You may think that love is too obvious to be mistaken, but to gain a good understanding, it is beneficial to look into a few versions as below. 

Love is one of many emotions that human can develop and experience. It is a very intense feeling, as people may say, which is much stronger than likes and a little lighter than addiction. The narrow love refers to a one-on-one relationship between two lovers, and the broad love exists in a wide range of people or things, including families, friends, all people, animals, earth, things, interests, activities and so on. Here we will focus on the narrow love. The narrow love may start as early as age of 4 or 5 when the "lovers" have not gained a full understanding of it. By the age of 12 to 13, along with puberty, a teenage may experience the first love towards a specific person. 

Love is a very individualized experience. Each love is unique and is to it's very own (just like no siblings are identical although they share the same parents). A love, at each life stage, with various lovers, and based on personality, past experiences, values and beliefs, can be established and developed completely differently. We can be attracted by someone's look, voice, personality, wisdom or virtue. Love can be rooted in either similarities or differences. Some people believes love is a self-centric delusion, which is made of a perfect lover and a romantic story projected by oneself. So they say " I love you, but it has nothing to do with you." 
To some people "love is to give", while to other people "love it to get". Some like to love the significant other, while some prefer vice versa. Some say "to love" is happier, while others think "to be loved" is more enjoyable. Which type and which way to choose is really a personal decision. The first love is a good place to experience and learn about your preference. Of course, loving and being loved should both be involved, with fairly equal amount, in an ideal relationship.  

Some love relationships are like a mary-go-around, while others are like roller-coaster rides. They both are reasonable and popular, and both types can offer learning and fun. There are some things in common - being prepared and wearing your seatbelt. In addition, both you and your lover are interested in the same ride.

 Who is my first lover?

The birth of a love may not be controllable and sometimes it may happen very fast. So it is always said someone "falls" in love. However, we may be able to make it manageable, as much as we can. 

It is argued that there could be no reasons why one falls in love with someone. Theoretically, love can be rooted in the look, the brain, or the heart. Some can "fall in love at first sight"; while others may be attracted by someone's voice, personality, wisdom or virtue. You may want to get closer to someone who has a lot in common with you, while persons who are opposite can also have good communications with you.  

Are you attracted by someone’s look, brain or heart?

Do you want to be with someone who is like-minded?

What the communications would be like with someone who is totally different from you?

Will your lover think the same way? Will your lover value brain and heart over looks?

How and from whom or where can you gather this information about your lover? 

The more you know about yourself and your first lover, the more likely you will have a successful experience.

 Am I in love?

As discussed early, the feeling of love is quite different from one to another. Some people are sensitive to their own and others’ emotions without questioning; some may have to ask and receive an answer to make sure. Either is fine. The following are some signs to watch for. 

Are you daydreaming of being with him/her? Does it take considerable amount of time out of your day?

Are you trying to be perfect when you are with this special person?

Do you get nervous when this person looks at you or moves close to you?

Are you eager to see or talk with him/her all the time?

Do you care very much about what this person thinks about you?

Do you, all of a sudden, see him/her as very special - good looking, very intelligent or very warm and kind? 

If you answered yes to more than three questions above, you may want to pay close attention to the intense feeling that you are experiencing. The eagerness to see and talk with someone could be a clear indication that you may have a crush on this special person.  How can I make sure my lover is on the same page with me?There are many advices offered online as well as by your friends or family members. A good conversation could be the start of a relationship when both parties are feeling it the same way. Laughter could be the signal of a good relationship, as laughter is based on the senses of comfort, joy and happiness.
 Things to Remember

 The first love will be every exciting. It is the first time opening up to someone and seeing a whole new world. You will learn how another person interprets the world.As happy as if on cloud nine, you need to make the first love both enjoyable and beneficial for both of you two. The following areas require your attention. 

Communication.

Communication in a close relationship is crucial. There are many components of communication, and the four listed below worth your consideration. 

1.Listening

When listening, we tend to be thinking as well. We think about how to respond or what to say next. We are occupied with our own thoughts so become unable to really hear what the other person is sharing. Active listening is a key skill for communication management.  

2.Interpretation

After receiving other’s information, your next step is to decode their messages. This is a very challenging task because we turn to interpret the other’s messages based on our own experiences, personalities and values and beliefs.  

3.Expression

It is always said to treat others how you want to be treated. However, the further effective method is to treat others as they want to be treated. To effectively deliver a message, we first need to think how it can be understood by the other person. It requires good understanding of your significant other. 

4.Conflict Management

It is normal to run into conflicts in any relationships. When facing disagreements, the first step is to figure out what type of conflict is blocking the way. Is the conflict caused by different opinions on one thing? Is it due different personalities? Or is it the result of opposite values and beliefs? Some conflicts are manageable while others are not. The best, or the only, way to manage conflicts is to stay open minded and hold sincere respect. You can state your own views clearly and concisely; you should focus on one conflict at a time; you need to remember not use the words like  “always”, “never”, “calm down”, and so on. 

Communication is very complex. A one-on-one private conversation is actually a six persons group meeting. For example, in a talk between A and B, there is the actual A, the A who they think they are, and the A whom B thinks A is. Vice versa. Therefore, some minimal level of understanding is required to produce enjoyable conversations. To gain a good understanding of each other will be the primary step as well as the ongoing goal for you and your lover.  

Emotional Management

Along with excitement and happiness, you will also experience frustration, anger, even desperation. Nothing and nobody can turn your life around till you allow it. You take the whole ownership of all your emotions. To go through unfavourable emotions, the first step is to identify what emotions you are experiencing and to accept it as normal without being judgemental. Ignorance is not the solution, but acknowledgement can help. It is necessary to analyze the situation and to identify the trigger of your emotions. Then you are on the right track to winning it. If the trigger involves your lover, the above discussed communication skills are the key.   

 Self Reflection and Awareness

From the communication skills and emotional management, you will gain a fairly good understanding of yourself. This is not the finish but rather the start of a lifetime journey into your inner world. As Johari window indicates, everyone has four rooms: “Room one is the part of ourselves that we and others see. Room two contains aspects that others see but we are unaware of. Room three is the private space we know but hide from others. Room four is the unconscious part of us that neither ourselves nor others see”. A close relationship can assist us to identify our blind spots; it can also guide us to the big discovery of our unknown areas, which is an adventure that is both fascinating and rewarding.   

Happy Ending

If you practised the above discussed works, it should not be a surprise to recognize the ending sign. The ending of any love is inevitable. It is said love is a desire which is caused by three chemicals. When those chemicals approach to exhaustion, a love will be either completed or transformed. You might have also heard “love is like a fire that can only last a limited time”; “love is like an ice-cream. If you eat it too slowly, it will be melted before you can finish it; if you eat it too fast, it gives you brain freeze”.  

The best scenario is that both lovers enjoyed the journey and approached the finish line together. If not, there would be disagreements and pains. If you are the one reaching the end first, please be mindful and think about how, when and where to share your thoughts. You may find numerous tips online or from your friends; however, it is your understanding and consideration of your lover that can complete your love story peacefully and beautifully. 

If, unfortunately, you are the one who cannot let it go yet. Please be reminded that by the end of every love story the pain of the breakup is imminent for both lovers. No pain, no gain. Every growing-up will have some pain involved. The question is how to go through the pain? All roads lead to Rome. Each one may follow a unique recovery. You can take it as a good learning opportunity to explore and get to know yourself better. Before the healing process can start, you may require some time to calm down and to accept the reality. You may need a dose of distraction which is to keep yourself occupied with other activities like studies, work, outings with friends. Once you are ready, you can talk with your families and friends to get their support. Self talks and self reflection are also required in this thinking moment. Here are some questions that may help you get it started. 

What worked and what did not work in that relationship? 

Which part or moment of the process did you enjoy the most? 

What could have you done differently? Would that have lead to a more preferable outcome? How and why? 

What did you learn about yourself? How good were your skills of communication, conflict management and emotional management? 

What was or will be your recovery plan? Based on the understanding of yourself, what methods will you choose and how long will the recovery take? 

Have you noticed any changes in yourself? If yes, what are they? 

Are you more aware what type of lover you are? What type of individual with what characters and beliefs is both attractive and suitable to you?  

How can the second love lead to a better experience and outcome? 

What do you see you and your lover in five or ten years? Will you be friends or strangers? Will it be possible to fall in love twice with the same person? 

Will management of our emotions make a love or a life more fun or actually less enjoyable?  

More Food for Thought  

Although sharing the same love, you and your lover can experience it vastly differently. What if your lover already had previous love stories? What if your lover is not as passionate as you are?     

During the first love, both lovers may experience the strong sense of “attached to” each other. A girl may become very sensitive and jealous for any interactions between her boyfriend and other girls. A boy may become very interested in physical intimacy. As a general advice, hugging, holding hands (and kisses if both are ready) are good ways to express your love and appreciation. Physical intimacies further than these mentioned would be strongly discouraged, as teenage lovers may not be ready neither mentally nor physically.   

A love can be enjoyable and painful (for one or for both lovers).  The bottom line is that no one should hurt the other purposely. After all, a love story should be for the wellness of both lovers.Expressing love requires skills and practice. No matter by words or actions, the right attitude and good intentions are essential.

A love, like many other relationships, is like a GPS to guide us on the journey of discovering the real and deeper self. 

A narrow love is the milestone to the big love which exists broadly in one’s life. It is the unconditional care for all humans and animals. Love can also be the thirst for knowledge and understanding. As einstein shared that love is a universal force. “each individual carries within them a small but powerful generator of love whose energy is waiting to be released. When we learn to give and receive this universal energy, we will have affirmed that love conquers all, is able to transcend everything and anything, because love is the quintessence of life”.