回應正在生氣的孩子的正確方法(中英雙語)

                           

When children get upset, the cannot be reached by reasoning. When angry, they respond only to emotional balm.

當孩子煩躁不安時，講道理是沒有用的。他們生氣時，隻有情感上的安慰，他們才聽得進去。

Dr. Haim G. Ginott

文/海姆·G·吉諾特

 

Two young siblings, were playing in the basement. Suddenly a noise of destruction, followed by shouting and accusations, was heard. Red with anger, Billy, age six, ran up the stairs and blurted out, “Betsy knocked over my fort.” His mother sympathized: “Oh-h-h-h,that must have made you very angry.” It sure did.” He turned around and went back to play.

一對兄妹在地下室玩，突然傳來什麽東西被毀壞的聲音，隨後就是喊叫聲和指責聲。六歲的比利從樓梯上來，氣得滿臉通紅，他一上來就脫口叫道：“貝特西把我的堡壘撞翻了。”他的媽媽同情地說：“哦——那你一定非常生氣了。”“我是很生氣。”他轉過身繼續回去玩了。

This was the first time Billy’s mother managed not to get involved in her children’s daily scraps. By not asking the fatal question “Who started it?” she avoided her son’s usual recital of grievances and requests for revenge. By mirroring his immer mood,she avoided the disagreeable role of becoming judge, prosecutor, and law enforcer to her children.  　　

這是比利的媽媽第一次試著沒有卷入孩子們的日常爭吵中。她沒有問那個最具破壞性的問題：“誰先引起的？”這樣就避免了兒子講述冤情和要求報仇。通過真實地反應兒子內心的情緒，她避免了成為孩子們的法官、檢察官、執法人這些不討好的角色。

In the following episode, a mother’s empathic comment made a difference between peace and war. Nine-year-old David did not want to go the dentist. He was angry and irritating his older sister, Tina, who said to him, “Oh, David, grow up!” David became angrier and nastier.　　

在下麵的事例中，一位母親同情的評論使得和平與戰爭成為一線之隔。九歲的大衛不想去看牙醫，他很生氣，激怒了他的姐姐蒂娜，她對他說：“噢，大衛，長大點！”大衛更生氣了，行為變得更加令人討厭。

Her mother turned to Tina and said, “David is upset today. He’s worried about his visit to the dentist. Right now he needs all our consideration.” As if by magic, David quieted down. He went to the dentist without further complaints. By responding to David’s upset feelings, rather than to his irritating behavior, Mother made it possible for him to feel more relaxed and thus less obnoxious.　　

她的媽媽對蒂娜說：“大衛今天很煩，他擔心去看牙醫。現在他需要我們所有人的體諒。”就好像變魔法一樣，大衛馬上安靜下來，他去看了牙醫，沒有再抱怨。媽媽的回應是針對大衛煩躁的心情，而不是他讓人討厭的行為，這使得大衛感到放鬆多了，因此也就不再那麽討厭了。

This vignette contrasts two ways of helping small children defuse their anger and tolerate frustration. One escalates the anger: the other diminishes it.

在這個小事件裏，幫助孩子平息怒氣和遭受挫折的兩種方法正好形成對照，一種是使怒火更盛，一種是消除怒氣。

Tom and his friend Jim, both three-year-olds, were playing with toy xylophones. When Jim’s hammer got stuck, he got angry and started to cry. His mother admonished him: “That’s no reason to carry on. I won’t fix it until you stop screaming.” Jim continued to cry and his mother took away his toy. The resulting temper tantrum was a sight to behold.

湯姆和他的朋友吉姆，兩個人都才三歲，他們在玩玩具木琴。吉姆的音錘卡住了，生氣地哭了起來。他的媽媽警告他說：“你沒有理由大哭大鬧的，我不會給你修音錘，除非你停止尖叫。”吉姆繼續哭鬧，於是他的媽媽拿走了玩具。這一下，吉姆大發脾氣，場麵頗為壯觀。

                                        

In contrast, when Tom’s hammer got stuck, and he started to cry, his mother said to him, “You’re crying because the hammer is stuck. We need to fix it.” The crying stopped. Now whenever the hammer gets stuck, Tom no longer cries, but brings it to his mother to fix.　　

與吉姆的例子形成對照的是，湯姆的音錘也卡住了，他也哭了起來，他的媽媽對他說：“你哭是因為音錘卡住了，我們需要修好它。”哭聲停止了。現在，無論什麽時候音錘被卡住，湯姆都不會再哭，而是拿過去讓媽媽修理。

Jim’s mother scolded, threatened, blamed, and punished while Tom’s mother defined the problem and suggested a solution.　　

吉姆的媽媽用的方法是漫罵、威脅、責備和懲罰，而湯姆的媽媽則是指出問題所在，然後給出解決問題的建議。

　　Miriam, age twelve, returned from the theater disgruntled and angry:

　　米裏亞姆十二歲，從劇院回來後，心情不佳，很生氣：

　　MOTHER: You look unhappy.

　　媽媽：你上去好像不開心。

　　MIRIAM: I’m furious! I had to sit so far back that I couldn’t see anything of the play.

　　米裏亞姆：我非常生氣！我坐得很靠後，根本什麽也看不到。

　　MOTHER: No wonder you’re upset. It’s no fun when you sit so far back.

　　媽媽：怪不得你不高興，坐得那麽靠後就沒什麽意思了。

　　MIRIAM: It sure wasn’t. Besides, there was a tall guy sitting in front of me.

　　米裏亞姆：當然沒有。而且，有個高個子家夥就坐在我前麵。

　　MOTHER: That’s adding insult to injury. All the way back and behind a tall person! That’s too much!

　　媽媽：那更是雪上加霜了，一直坐在後麵，還有個高個子擋在你前麵！那真是夠糟了！

　　MIRIAM: It sure was.

　　米裏亞姆：確實夠糟。                          

The helpful ingredient in Miriam’s mother’s response was her acceptance of Miriam’s mood without criticism or advice. She did not ask unhelpful questions. Such as, “Why didn’t you go earlier to get a better seat?” or “Couldn’t you ask the tall man to change seats with you?” She concentrated on helping her daughter diminish her anger.

米裏亞姆媽媽的回答中，有幫助的地方是她沒有批評米裏亞姆，也沒有提意見，隻是接受女兒的情緒。她並沒有問任何無用的問題，例如“你怎麽不早點去選一個好一點的位置呢？”或者“你不能請那個高個子跟你換一下座位嗎？”她關注的是如何幫助女兒消除憤怒的情緒。

An empathic response that mirrors to children their upset feelings and expresses the parents’ sympathy and understanding is effective in changing children’s angry moods.　　

父母作出直接反映孩子不安情緒的、具有移情作用的回應，表達父母的同情和理解，這對於改變孩子的憤怒情緒是很有效的。

The written word can be a powerful tool for restoring damaged feelings that result from angry outbursts. Both children and parents need to be encouraged to express their feelings in writing, be it an e-mail or a letter.

在發完脾氣之後，寫在紙上的話也可以成為修複受傷情感的有力工具。不管是父母，還是孩子，我們都鼓勵他們把自己的感情、想法寫下來。

One evening, thirteen-year-old Trudy hurled insults at her mother, accusing her of going into her room, unlocking her desk, and reading her diary. When she realized that her suspicion was groundless, Trudy decided to apologize in writing:

一天晚上，十三歲的特魯迪大聲地怒斥媽媽，指責媽媽進入她的房間，打開她的抽屜，翻看她的日記。當她發現她的懷疑毫無根據時，特魯迪決定寫信向媽媽道歉：

Dear Mom, I have just committed the worst crime a moral person can commit. I made my mother unhappy and miserably upset with my accusation. I’m ashamed and humiliated. I used to feel good about myself but now I hate myself. I love you, Trudy　　

親愛的媽媽，作為一個講道德的人，我剛才犯了一個非常嚴重的錯誤。我指責媽媽，使媽媽傷心、痛苦。我覺得非常羞愧，非常丟臉。以前我一直對自己感覺良好，可是現在我討厭自己。我愛您。——特魯迪

Trudy’s mother was upset when the note made her realize that the incident shattered Trudy’s positive self-image. She took time to compose a letter that would restore Trudy’s loving self.

特魯迪的媽媽看到這封短信時很不安，她意識到這件事破壞了特魯迪心中對自己的積極看法。她找時間寫了一封信給特魯迪，幫助她重新愛自己：

Dearest Trudy, Thank you for sharing your troubled and unhappy feelings with me. What happened the other evening was difficult for both of us, but not tragic. I want you to know that my feelings about you and for you have in no way changed. I see you the same lovable person who at times can get very upset and angry. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive yourself. Much love, Your Mom　　

最親愛的特魯迪，謝謝你告訴我你的不安和不開心。前幾天晚上發生的事情對於我們兩個來說，都是一件不容易的事，但是那並不是災難。我希望你知道我對你的看法、對你的感情一點也沒有改變。我依然把你當成和以前一樣可愛的孩子，不過這個孩子有時會感到煩躁、生氣。我希望你能明白，能夠原諒自己，重新獲得對自己的好感。非常愛你的媽媽

The mother was helpful in reassuring her daughter that getting angry need not alter one’s loving feelings for oneself or others.　　

這位媽媽向她的女兒保證生氣並不會改變一個人對自己的愛，也不會改變別人對她的愛。她的做法無疑是有益的。

Often alter getting angry at their parents for not listening to their argument, children will present their case in writing.

孩子因為父母不聽自己的理由而生氣，這個時候，他們常常把自己的理由寫下來。

A father related the following incident. In his home the children are given certificates that they may cash in for extra time at night before going to sleep. One evening, Peter, age ten, wanted to buy some time with a certificate, which he had lost. His father refused to honor a nonexistent certificate. Peter became frustrated and angry, screaming as he ran out of the room, “But you gave it to me!” When Peter’s father went to his bedroom that evening he found the following letter:

一位父親講述了下麵的事情。在他的家裏，孩子們都有兌換券，可以用來買晚上睡覺前的額外時間。一天晚上，十歲的彼得想買一些時間，但是兌換券丟了。他的父親拒絕兌現一張不存在的兌換券。彼得覺得很失望，生起氣來，離開房間時大叫道：“但是你確實把兌換券給了我！”那天晚上，當彼得的父親回到自己的臥室時，他看到下麵的信：

Dear Dad, If you do not let me stay up, you are not being just because (1) we both know that you gave me the certificate, (2) you know what my desk is like and I loss things, (3) you know how much I was looking forward to using the certificate. I don’t want to seem obnoxious for writing this. I’m only staying my own mind. XXX Peter

親愛的爸爸，如果你不讓我熬夜，那不公平，因為：

(1)我們兩個都知道你把兌換券給了我。

(2)你知道我的桌子是什麽樣子，我總是找不見東西。

(3)你知道我多麽渴望使用兌換券。我不希望因為寫了這封信而讓人討厭，我隻是說出我自己的想法。

When the father read the note, he realized that Peter was showing him a way to repair the bad feelings between them. It also gave him an opportunity to try an important child-rearing principle. Whenever possible enhance your child’s self-worth. He therefore penned the following note.

當父親看到這封信時，他意識到彼得提供了一個方法修補他們之間受損的關係。同時，這也給了他一個機會嚐試孩子教育的一個重要原則。隻要有機會，就要增強孩子的自尊。於是他寫了下麵的信：

Dear Son, What clarity of thought! What persuasive arguments! As I was reading it, I had to remind myself that it is not a big over-year-old young man wrote. Attachment: Certificate is already backing in place, find it yourself. Love, Dad

親愛的兒子，你的思路很清晰！你的論據也很有說服力！當我讀你的信時，我不得不提醒自己，這不是一個大過十歲的年輕人寫的。附：兌換券已經放回原處，你自己去找吧。愛你的爸爸