悠然看大海
海闊天空，納天下百川。時而狂風驟雨，驚濤駭浪；時而風平浪靜，碧波蕩漾。看潮起潮落，歎世事無常。
附：Dr. Robert Waldinger 演講內容原文及中文翻譯
What keeps us healthy and happy as we go through life? If you were going to invest now in your future best self, where would you put your time and your energy? There are lots of answers out there. We are bombarded with images, what’s most important in life. The media are filled with stories of people who are rich and famous and building empires at work. And we believe those stories. There’s a recent survey of millennials asking them what their most important life goals were. And over 80% said that the major life goal for them was to get rich. And another 50% of those same young adults said another major life goal was to become famous.
生命進程中，是什麽讓我們保持健康和幸福？如果你現在開始著手規劃未來最好的人生，你會把時間和精力花在哪裏？回答有很多種，我們已經被無以計數的有關生活中最重要事物的圖景轟炸了。媒體上充斥著那些富有、高聲望、建立起自己事業帝國的成功人士故事。並且我們對這些故事堅信不疑。有個最新的調查，詢問1980-2000年生的年輕人，他們最重要的人生目標有哪些。超過80%的人說，他們主要的生活目標是要變富有。這群年輕人中，還有50%說他們另一個主要生活目標是成名。
And we are constantly told to lean into work, and to push harder, and achieve more. We are given the impression that these are the things that we need to go after in order to have a good life. But is that true? Is that really what keeps people happy as they go through life?
我們總是被告誡要投入工作，努力奮鬥，完成更多。我們似乎覺得要生活得更好，這些就是我們需要追求的。可事實真是這樣嗎？這些真的是在人類生命曆程中幫助他們保持幸福感的東西嗎？
Pictures of entire lives, of the choices that people make and how those choices work out for them,those pictures are almost impossible to get. Most of what we know about human life, we know from asking people to remember the past. And as we know,hindsight is anything but 20/20. We forget vast amounts of what happens to us in our lives. And sometimes memory was downright creative. Mark Twain understood this. He’s quoted as saying, “some of the worst things in my life never happened”.(Laughter) And research shows us that we actually remember the past more positively as we get older. And I’m reminded of a bumper sticker that says, ‘it’s never too late to have a happy childhood”. (Laughter)
人一生中所做的選擇以及這些選擇怎樣影響他們，我們幾乎無從得知。我們對於人生絕大多數的理解，是從他人的回憶中獲得的。我們知道，人是不可能有完整清楚的記憶的。我們生命中大部分發生過的事情我們都遺忘了。有時我們記憶形成過程簡直充滿創造性。馬克·吐溫曾經說過類似的話。他說道，“我人生中一些最悲慘的事情根本就沒發生過。”（笑）研究顯示，隨著年齡的增長，我們實際上以一種更積極的方式在保存我們的記憶。我想起一張廣告上說的：“任何時候開始擁有幸福的童年，都不算晚。”（笑）
But, what if we could watch entire lives as they unfold through time? What if we could study people from the time that they were teenagers all the way into old age, to see what really keeps people happy and healthy? We did that.
但要是我們能夠觀察整個人生呢？要是我們能從人們青少年時期一直追蹤到老年，去觀察到底什麽才是真正能夠幫助人們保持幸福、健康的東西呢？我們已經做到了。
The Harvard Studyof Adult Development may be the longest study of adult life, that’s ever been done. For 75 years, we’ve tracked the lives of 724 men. Year after year asking about their work, their home lives, their health, and of course asking all along the way without knowing how their life stories were going to turn out.Studies like this are exceedingly rare. Almost all projects of this kind fallapart within a decade, because too many people drop out of the study or funding for the research dries up, or the researchers get distracted or they die and nobody moves the ball further down the field. But through combination of luck and persistence of several generations of researchers, this study has survived. About 60 of our original 724 men are still alive, still participating in the study, most of them in their nineties. And we are now beginning to study themore than 2000 children of these men. And I’m the 4th director of the study.
哈佛成人發展研究可能是目前有關成年人生活研究中曆時最長的。75年間，我們追蹤了724位男性。年複一年，我們詢問他們的工作、家庭生活、他們的健康狀況，當然我們在詢問過程中並不知道他們的人生將會怎樣。這樣的研究極為稀少。幾乎所有類似的研究都在10年內流產了，原因可能是失訪率太高，或者沒有足夠的經費支撐，或者研究者興趣點轉移或去世以後沒有其他人接手。但是多虧了運氣以及幾代研究者的堅持，這項研究成活下來了。在最早的724名男性中，大約有60位還在世，並繼續參與這項研究，他們絕大多數都已經超過90歲了。現在我們正開始研究他們總數超過2000個的孩子們。而我是這項研究的第四任領導者。
Since 1938, we’ve tracked the lives of 2 groups of men. The first group started in the study when they were sophomores at Harvard College. They were from, what Tom Brokaw has called, the greatest generation. They all finished college during World War II. And then most went off to serve in the war. And the second group that we followed was a group of boys from the Boston’s poorest neighborhoods. Boys, who were chosen for this study specifically because they were from some of the most troubled and disadvantaged families in Boston of the 1930s. Most lived in tenements, many without hot and cold running water. When they entered the study, all of theseteenagers were interviewed, they were given medical exams. We went to their homes and we interviewed their parents. And then these teenagers grew up into adults who entered all walks of life. They became factory workers and lawyers and bricklayers and doctors, and one president of the United States. Some developed alcoholism. A few developed schizophrenia. Some climbed the social ladder from the bottom all the way to the very top. And some made that journey in the opposite direction.
從1938年起，我們追蹤了2組男性。第一組在加入研究時還是哈佛大學大二的學生。他們屬於Tom Brokaw所說的“最偉大的一代”。他們都在第二次世界大戰期間完成大學學業。之後絕大多數人為戰爭工作。另外一組我們追蹤的群體是波士頓最貧窮區域的男孩。正是因為他們來自於20世紀30年代波士頓麻煩最多、最底層的家庭，才被選入我們的研究。多數人都住在出租屋裏，許多甚至沒有熱的或冷的自來水。當他們入選研究之後，所有的青少年都接受麵談和醫學檢查。我們去他們家裏對他們的父母進行訪談。後來這群青少年長大成人，進入社會各行各業。有的成了工廠工人，成了律師、泥瓦匠、醫生，有一位成為美國總統。有的成了酒精依賴者，一些患上精神分裂症。有的從社會底層一路爬升到上流社會。而一些人卻沿著相反的方向走過這段人生旅程。
The founders of this study would never, in their wildest dreams, have imagined that I would be standing here today, 75 years later, telling you that the study still continues. Every 2 years, our patient and dedicated research staff calls up our men and asked them whether we could send them yet one more set of questions about their lives. Many of the intercity Boston men ask us, “Why do you keep wanting to study me? My life just isn’t that interesting”. The Harvard men never asked that question. (Laughter) To get the clearest picture of these lives, we don’t just send them questionnaires. We interviewed them in their living rooms. We get their medical records from their doctors. We draw their blood. We scanned their brains. We talk to their children. We videotaped them talking with their wives about their deepest concerns. And when about a decade ago we finally asked the wives if they would join us as members of this study, many of the women said, “you know，it’s about time”. (Laughter)
這項研究的發起者無論如何也不可能想到，75年之後我能夠站在這裏，告訴你們這項研究仍然在繼續。每兩年，我們充滿耐心和辛勤的研究人員打電話給我們的研究對象，詢問是否能夠再寄給他們一套有關他們生活的問卷。波士頓城郊的許多研究對象問我們：“你們怎麽總是不斷地想要研究我？我的生活沒什麽意思啊。”而哈佛的畢業生從沒問過這個問題。（笑）為了得到他們人生最清晰的畫卷，我們不僅僅隻是寄給他們問卷。我們在他們的客廳裏對他們進行訪談。我們從他們的醫生那裏獲取醫療記錄。我們獲取他們的血樣，掃描他們的大腦。我們和他們的孩子們交談。我們用攝像機記錄他們和自己的妻子談論最隱秘的擔憂。大概十年前，我們終於詢問他們的妻子們，是否願意作為研究對象加入我們的研究。很多女士都說：“你知道，是時候了。”（笑）
So what have we learned? What are the lessons that come from that tens of thousands of pages of information that we’ve generated on these lives. Well the lessons aren’t about wealth or fame or working harder and harder. The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: good relationships keep us happier and healthier.Period!
那麽我們學到了什麽？我們從這些人生活中提取出來的長篇累牘的信息到底教會我們什麽？其實，完全無關財富、名聲或者拚命工作。我們從這項長達75年的研究中得到的最清晰的信息是：良好的關係讓我們更快樂，更健康。就這樣！
We’ve learned 3 big lessons about relationships. The first is that social connections arereally good for us and that loneliness kills. It turns out that people who are more socially connected to family, to friends, to community are happier. They are physically healthier and they live longer than people who are less well connected. And the experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic. People, who are more isolated than they want to be from others, find that they’re less happy, their health declines earlier in mid-life, their brain functioning declines sooner, and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely. And the sad fact is, that at any given time, more than 1 in 5 Americans will report, that they are lonely. And we know that you can be lonely in a crowd, and you can be lonely in a marriage.
對於關係，我們學到了三條。第一條是，社會連結真的對我們有益，而孤獨卻有害。事實證明，和家庭、朋友和周圍人群連結更緊密的人更幸福。他們身體更健康，他們也比連結不甚緊密的人活得更長。而孤單的體驗是有害的。和不孤獨的人相比，那些比自己所希望的樣子更孤單的人覺得自己更不幸福，他們到中年時健康狀況退化地更快，他們的大腦功能衰退更早，而且他們的壽命更短。令人遺憾的是，任何一個時刻，每5個美國人中就有不隻1個說自己孤獨。我們知道，在人群中你也可能感到孤獨，在婚姻中你也可能感到孤獨。
So the 2nd big lesson that we learned is that it’s not just the number of friends you have, and it’s not whether or not you are in a committed relationship, but it’s the quality of your close relationships that matters. It turns out that living in the midst of conflicts is really bad for our health. High conflicted marriages, for example, without much affection, turn out to be very bad for our health - perhaps worse than getting divorced. And living in the midst of good, warm relationships, is protective. Once we’ve followed our men all the way into their 80s, we wanted to look back at them at mid-life, and to see if we can predict who was going to grow into a happy, healthy octogenarian and who wasn’t. And when we gather together, everything we knew about them at age 50, it wasn’t their middle age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old. It was how satisfied they were in their relationships. The people, who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50, were the healthiest at age 80. And good close relationships seem to buffer us from some of the slings and arrows of getting old. Our most happily partnered men and women, reported in their 80s, that on the days when they had more physical pain, their moods stayed just as happy. But the people who were in unhappy relationships, on the days when they reported more physical pain, it was magnified by more emotionalpain.
所以我們學到的第二條信息是，起決定作用的不是你擁有的朋友的數量，不是你是否在一段穩定的親密關係中，而是你的親密關係的質量。事實證明，處於衝突之中真的對我們的健康有害。舉個例子，充滿衝突而沒有感情的婚姻，對我們的健康非常不利，甚至有可能比離婚還糟。而生活在良好、溫暖的關係中是有保護作用的。當我們追蹤我們的研究對象到他們的80歲之後，我們希望回顧他們的中年生活，來看看我們是否能在那時預測誰會享有幸福健康的晚年，誰不會。當我們把所有有關他們50歲的信息都整合起來之後，發現能夠預測他們晚年生活的不是他們的中年膽固醇水平，而是他們對所在親密關係的滿意程度。50歲時對自己的親密關係最滿意的人，80歲時最健康。而良好、親密的關係似乎能緩衝我們在衰老過程中遇到的坎坷。我們生活的最幸福的伴侶，無論男女，在他們80歲之後都說，當他們感到更多軀體疼痛時，他們的心情依然快樂。而那些處於不幸關係中的人，當他們感受到更多軀體疼痛時，這些疼痛被增加的情感痛苦給放大了。
And the 3rd big lesson that we learned about relationships on our health is, that good relationships don’t just protect our bodies, they protect our brains. It turns out, that being in a securely attached relationship to another person in your 80s is protective. And the people who are in a relationship that they really feel that they can count on the other person in times of need, those people’s memories stay shaper longer. And people in a relationship where they feel they really can’t count on the other one, those are the people who would experience earlier memory decline. And those good relationships, they don’t have to be smooth all the time. Some of the octogenarian couples could bicker with each other day in and day out. But as long as they felt that they can really count on the other one when they are going out tough, those arguments didn’t take a toll on their memories. So, this message, that good, close relationships are good for our health and well-being; this is the wisdom that’s as old as the hills. It’s your grandmother’s advice, and your pastor’s.
第三條我們學到的關於關係對我們健康的影響是，良好的關係不僅隻是保護我們的身體，也能保護我們的大腦。研究表明，在80歲之後依然處在對另一個人安全依戀關係中是有保護性的。在關係中真的感到自己能在需要時可以依賴另一個人的人們，他們的保持清晰記憶力的時間更長。而感到自己在關係中真的無法依賴另一個人的人群，他們將更早出現記憶力衰退。而那些良好的關係，並不一定要一直保持平順。一些 80-89 歲老年夫婦，他們可能一天到晚都在吵架。但隻要他們感到自己真的能在困難時刻依賴另一個人時，他們根本就不會記得那些爭吵了。所以我們學到的是，良好、親密的關係有利於我們的健康和完好狀態。這是老智慧，是祖母和牧師的忠告。
Why is this so hard to get? For example, with respectful wealth, we know that once your basic material needs are met, wealth doesn’t do anything. If you go from making 75,000 dollars a year to 75 million, we know that your health and your happiness will change very little, if at all. When it comes to fame, the constant media intrusion and a lack of privacy make most famous people significantly less healthy. It certainly doesn’t keep them happier. And as for working harder and harder, there is that truism that nobody on their death bed ever wished that they had spent more time in their office. (Laughter) Why is that so hard to get and so easy to ignore? Well, we’re human. What we really like is a quick fix - something we can get that will keep our lives good and keep them that way. Relationships are messy and they are complicated and they are hard work of tending to family and friends, that’s not sexy or glamorous. It’s also life-long. It never ends. The people in our 75-year study with the happiest retirement were the people who had actively worked to replace workmates with new playmates. Just like the millennials in that recent survey, many of our men when they were starting out as young adults, really believed that fame and wealth and high achievements were what they needed to go after to have a good life. But over and over, over these 75 years, our study has shown that the people who fared the best are people who leaned into relationships, with family, with friends, with community.
為什麽明白這個道理這麽難？就拿巨大的財富來說，我們知道，一旦我們的基本物質需求被滿足了，財富就幫不上什麽忙了。如果你從每年掙75,000美元提高到7500萬美元，我們知道你的健康和快樂基本不會發生變化。而至於聲望，媒體不斷地入侵和缺乏隱私使得多數名人顯著地不健康。這顯然不會讓人更快樂。至於拚命工作，有一條真理說，沒有人在臨死前覺得自己要是花更多時間在辦公室就好了。（笑）為什麽這些這麽難理解，這麽容易就被忽視了？是啊，我們是人啊。我們真正喜歡的是快速解決方案，一種我們能得到的，又能讓我們生活得好並且一直保持下去的東西。關係錯綜複雜，照顧家人和朋友是繁重的工作，一點也不性感也不光芒萬丈。而這也是終生的，絕無盡頭。在我們的75年研究中擁有最幸福退休生活的人是那些主動尋找玩伴來替代工作夥伴的人。正如調查中的年輕人一樣，我們的研究對象中很多人在一開始還是青年的時候，真的相信聲望、財富以及高成就是他們想要生活得更好就必須追求的。但隨著時間的流逝，在這75年間，我們的研究顯示：發展得最好的人是那些把精力投入關係，尤其是家人、朋友和周圍人群的人。
So what about you?Let’s say you are 25, or you are 40 or you are 60. What might leaning into relationships even look like? Well, the possibilities are practically endless. It might be something as simple as replacing screen-time with people-time, or lightening up a stale relationship by doing something new together, long walks or date nights, or reaching out to that family member who you haven’t spoken to in years. Because those all too-common family feuds take a terrible toll on the people who hold the grudges.
那麽你們呢？假如你們今年25，或者你們40，或者你們60歲。投入關係對你們來說是什麽樣的？可能性可能是無限的。也許是簡單到拿和屏幕打交道的時間來和人打交道，或者通過一起做點什麽新鮮事，比如散步或者約會，或者聯係那個多年來不曾說過話的人，來點亮一段死氣沉沉的關係。因為對一個總把小憋扭放心裏的人，這些看上去很平常的家庭敵對事件是會造成嚴重後果的。
I’d like to close with another quote from Mark Twain. More than a century ago, he was looking back on his life, and he wrote this,”there isn’t a time, so brief his life, for bickerings, apologies, heart-burnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving. ” But in instant, so to speak, for that, the good life is built with good relationships. And that’s an idea worth spreading. Thank you!
我想用馬克吐溫的另一條名言來結束。一百多年前，當他回顧自己的一生時，他寫下了，“生命如此短暫，我們沒有時間爭吵、道歉、傷心。我們隻有時間去愛。”所以說，好的生活是建立在好的關係上的。而這種理念是值得傳播的。謝謝大家！
