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How to get along when college grads move back home with parents

Story by LEANNE ITALIE

 •How to get along when college grads move back home with parents https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/careers/how-to-get-along-when-college-grads-move-back-home-with-parents/ar-AA1GAP5L?ocid=BingNewsBrowse 

NEW YORK (AP) — A shaky economy. Overwhelming student debt. Few job prospects. Some recent college graduates have a burdensome mountain of reasons to move back home. For others, the choice may be easy as they seek to save money, or desire the physical and emotional comforts of family.But the familiar may feel different with the changing dynamics that come with growing up. One thing is certain: If you're a new grad or the parents of one, you're not alone in navigating new terrain.Maturity and respect among all parties is a good place to start before those packing boxes arrive. So is having a clear path forward. Consider these tips for making it all work.

Set clear expectations early

Richard Ramos, a parenting trainer and author of “Parents on a Mission,” urges parents and their young adult children to break from their traditional roles.

For parents, shift from authority to ally.

“You’re no longer parenting a teenager. You’re relating to an emerging adult. Move from ‘manager’ to ‘mentor.’ Offer guidance, not control. Maintain your home as a launchpad, not a landing strip for them to get too comfortable in,” he says.

 

Grads, come home with humility.

“You may have a degree, but you’re still under your parents’ roof,” Ramos says. “Show appreciation. Contribute to the household. Asking before assuming you can simply take shows your growth as a young adult. Honor the space they’ve made for you.”

Drill down to specifics

As a counselor and parent, Veronica Lichtenstein knows firsthand what Ramos means. Her 26-year-old son has been living at home for two years since graduation to save money for his first house.

“I’ve learned that clear, collaborative boundaries are the foundation of harmony,” she says.

 

Related video: Uncomfortable Conversations: How to convince your grown child to move out on their own (USA TODAY)

USA TODAY

Uncomfortable Conversations: How to convince your grown child to move out on their own

Lichtenstein has lots of practical advice, starting with a “living contract” created cooperatively.

“His proposed terms became the starting point for negotiation. This empowered him to take ownership while ensuring mutual respect. The final signed agreement covered everything from chores to quiet hours,” she says.

Common areas must be left clean, for example, and advance notice is required if he plans group gatherings.

“Emphasize that this is a temporary, goal-oriented arrangement,” Lichtenstein says. By that, she means: “We’re happy to support you for 12 months while you save X dollars.”

Regular check-ins keep everyone accountable.

Crystalize chores and shared resources

Amy McCready is the founder of PositiveParentingSolutions.com and author of “The Me, Me, Me Epidemic — A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World.”

She suggests setting expectations when it comes to shared resources.

“If they’ll be driving your vehicle, be clear about when it’s available, who pays for gas or maintenance, and what responsibilities go with the privilege,” McCready says. “Use ‘when-then’ phrasing to keep things respectful and direct: When your responsibilities are done, then the car is available.”

 

If conflict arises, it’s often because everyone reverts to old roles and old rules, she says. “Pause and ask, ‘Are we interacting like we did when they were 17?'”

Then reset with intention.

What about special guests?

Parents need to decide if conjugal visits for resident adult children are something they're comfortable with. Such overnight visits with romantic partners can be tricky, McCready notes.

“If overnight visits aren’t something you’re OK with, it’s completely appropriate to set that boundary,” she says. “You might say, ‘We’re so glad you’re here, and we want everyone to feel comfortable. For us, that means no overnight guests while you’re living at home.’”

Parents can ask to be told ahead of time if their grad plans to sleep elsewhere.

Parents, be careful not to judge

Eric Wood, director of the Counseling & Mental Health Center at Texas Christian University, says parents should check in on their frustrations over the new living scenario. Their graduate might feel embarrassed and worry that they're a burden.

“Don’t judge, especially with the current job market and recent global events. It’s important not to be critical of a graduate who must return home,” he says. “Just like we advise incoming college students not to rush into a certain academic major, it’s more important not to rush into an entry career position. Establishing a solid trajectory for a successful and happy career is the priority.”

Wood said the new mantra for parents should be: Support, but don't problem solve when it comes to fully launching a grad.

“It’s important for the parent or family member not to act as if they are trying to solve a problem,” he says. “Doing so will only send a message that the graduate is a problem and could lead to conflicts.”

評論
Jiejing20222025-06-10 02:21:39回複悄悄話我個人認為，“全職子女”現象恰恰是一個信號，預示著生命禪院時代的到來。對於做父母的來說，也該警醒了——養兒未必能防老，甚至還有可能被“啃老”。

歸根結底，這一切的問題，源於婚姻家庭這個早已落後的生活程序所帶來的自然弊端。正因為如此，我堅信：無論是“全職子女”，還是整個世界正在經曆困惑與掙紮的人們，生命禪院和第二家園，才是他們唯一的出路與最終的歸宿。

我無意去評判“全職子女”，因為我自己也曾經曆過那個階段，深知其中的辛酸與無奈。在一個錯誤的生產和生活程序中，若還妄圖開出燦爛美好的善良之花，那無異於南柯一夢。
野彪2025-06-10 01:38:47回複悄悄話隨著科技的發展，本來就不需要那麽多人工作。
科技越來越發達，如果大家都得工作，都越來越累的話，就不如不要再發展科技了。
SeanZhu19872025-06-09 22:47:31回複悄悄話“啃老族”患抑鬱症的概率是普通青年的5.7倍？ 這個數據哪裏來的。 我沒有查到！

** 

“全職子女”的問題，不僅是家庭之殤，更是社會的隱患。這些人不是個別懶散者，而是一代人麵對壓力和焦慮的集體逃跑。他們既不獨立，也不反抗；既不奮鬥，也不改革。他們不是“覺醒者”，而是“投降派”。這場青春的逃避戰，需要全社會埋單。國家養老體係因此承壓、父母的老年生活被打亂、社會的創新活力被消磨。最終的結果，可能是今天你為你兒子買房，明天你孫子啃你兒子，代際依賴鏈一環扣一環，直至整條鏈條斷裂。

 

“全職子女”並不可恥，長期啃老也不一定是錯。但如果“全職”的背後是懶惰與逃避，而“子女”的身份成為放棄奮鬥的借口，那這就不是什麽新型生活方式，而是一種包裝精美的社會退化。我們需要反思的，不僅是年輕人何以放棄努力，更是整個社會如何悄無聲息地為這種放棄提供了合法性與遮蔽性。當啃老不再是權宜之計，而成了“職業選擇”；當父母的愛成了子女賴以偷懶的保險；當奮鬥變成笑話，依賴成了道德；那麽這個社會，也就距離“全麵啃老化”不遠了。願下一個新詞，不再是“全職孫子”。

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