真愛stinks, 你還在找嗎？

“真愛”stinks? 你還在找嗎？

作者：Futureglory

說起新年的心願，很多單身的人們都內心渴望能找到自己的那一個。但是去年曾經在群組裏發了一個連接，給姐妹們消遣，結果，“ture plus love” 讓大家都很頭大，引來了一陣感慨。這裏的真，不是浪漫主義裏的真，是現實的意思。

下麵是這個link:

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Know-Its-Real-Love-Advice-from-Martha-Beck

很多姐妹經曆過一回後，都不願看這類的文章。其實這篇文章是講幾個現實的問題。題目應該是兩個成熟的人都同意的，尤其是在“愛”的死去活來的時候。我來概括一下。

1． 沒有你我照樣活，沒問題。

想讓你的愛的各種需要得到滿足，唯一對這些需要負責的人隻有一個：yourself.

The "I can't live without you" syndrome ends when we learn to care for ourselves as tenderly and attentively as a good mother. At that point, we're ready to form stable, lasting attachments that can last a lifetime. "I can live without you" is an assurance that sets the stage for real love.

2． 我的愛是一定會改變的。

大多數女人都希望男人會給你一個commitment, 然而現實是，彼此的愛一定會改變的。每個人，每件事，都在時時的變化，我們變老，經曆很多事，生病，失業，換生活的地方。。。等等。。兩個不同的人能夠隨時適應彼此的變化。

A love that is allowed to adapt to new circumstances is virtually indestructible. Infatuation relaxes into calm companionship, then flares again as we see new things to love about each other. In times of trouble and illness, obligation may feel stronger than attraction—until one day we realize that hanging in there through troubled times has bonded us more deeply than ever before. Like running water, changing love finds its way past obstacles. Freezing it in place makes it fragile, rigid, and all too likely to shatter.

悲慘的現實是，我們無法適應，無法容納，無法原諒，卻以為找一個新的來適應，結果卻不是如此。

3． 你不是我所需要的一切。

不要迫使對方來滿足你的hobby, 每個人都有不同的愛好，培養你自己的健康地愛好。不要說為什麽他花了這些時間做了某某事，而不來為我做某某事。對待這個問題的健康解釋是，是的，我們的關係（婚姻也好，戀愛也好，朋友也好）不可能是使我的生活非常快樂的唯一原因。

相互支持每個人的不同需求。

The hurt partners usually come in sounding something like this: "How come you have to spend three hours a week playing tennis (or gardening or painting)? Are you saying I'm not enough to keep you happy?" The healthiest response to such questions is "That's right, our relationship isn't enough to make me completely happy—and if I pretended it were, I'd stunt my soul and poison my love for you. Ever thought about what you'd like to do on your own?" Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn't strengthen a relationship. Mutually supporting each other's personal growth does.

4． 我不會總是把你攥在手心裏。

這一條很喜歡露露妹妹說的一句話，愛情就像是捧著一些沙子，攥得太緊了，沙子會從手中溜走；不管它，卻又揮灑了一地。用心得 捧著吧。不要被一些幻想，擔憂操縱著，“如果你離開我，我就殺了你”，“你是不是心裏想著別的女人”。。。無數個恐懼的念頭在你心裏徘徊，注意了，controlling is not a healthy way.

擺脫這些問題的方法， heart to heart talk, tell the truth, truth nothing but the truth.

看過遠誌明的夫妻關係輔導的講座，健康長久的關係需要心對心的交流。經常的交流，赤裸裸麵對。

Getting out of this sticky situation is simple: Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Begin by taking responsibility for your own choices—including the choice to obey the spider man who may have you in his thrall. Then communicate your real feelings, needs, and desires to your partner, without trying to force the reaction you want. If your relationship can't thrive in the clear light of honesty, it is better to get out of it than to sink further into manipulation and control.

5． 你和我不是一個。

是的，在尋找戀人的過程中，我們都在尋找那個 right person, 不可否認，開始的好感都是一種奇妙的chemistry, 大腦產生的感覺讓我們還開心，幸福。 很多的人都在宣稱找soulmate, 這個詞如此的流行，我自己也親身經曆了若幹次，很多男士喜歡用這個詞。交流了幾次，就不是soulmate 了。 問題是， 我們自己的soul 都是很複雜的，我們自己還沒搞清楚自己的soul, 那個mate 怎麽找到？我不相信一個人能完全讀懂另一個人的心思。每日的交流才能保持關係。

既然每個人如此不同，accept people who they are, agree to disagree, 成熟的愛才能往前走。

If you're living by the "We are one" ideal, it's high time you found out how terrific love for two can be. Follow your heart in a direction your partner wouldn't go. Dare to explore your differences. Agree to disagree. If you're accustomed to disappearing, this will allow you to see that you can be loved as you really are. If you tend to dominate, you'll find out how interesting it is to love an actual person rather than a human mirror.

和正在尋愛的朋友們共勉，祝你成功。

With Love， Glory