粉紅鼠的世界
Proud mama of 3, the little sweet pea is on her way~
Dr.G微笑的說其實這2次是他故意安排的, 因為人是情感動物, 越等待心理壓力就越大, 失望後就會產生更強的emotional energy, 所以Dr.G就讓我再次體驗等待---落空---再等待, reprocessing從非洲回來後的心理壓力….
因為我當時很努力的壓製自己的心情, 然後就直接triggered PTSD, 也許從這個角度看如果沒有這件事, PTSD也許會推遲出現, 也許發展到delayed onset PTSD也不知道, 也許就錯過最佳治療時間, 因為經曆過死亡威脅的人遲早都會出現PTSD, 何況我在很短的時間裏經曆了2次….
接著Dr.G跟我詳細的解說"emotional illusions", "optical illusions"and "true romantic love"區別和怎樣在特定環境裏overlap...
突然被投放到1個完全不同的陌生環境,人就會很本能的緊張,害怕,憂鬱,特別是身體受到感染,極熱,極寒,極度疲勞, traumatic event的刺激後, 體內的“stress response system”就被triggered, 身體就會產生1係列的化學變化來release stress & anxiety….
Sudden and severe stress generally produces----increase in breathing & heart rate, liver released glucose for energy, decrease in digestive activity etc. The Hypothalamic Pituitary Adrenal (HPA) system also called "Stress Response System", when a stress response is triggered, it sends signals to two other structures: the pituitary gland and the adrenal medulla.
The stressor activates the HPA---the hypothalamus stimulates the pituitary gland---the pituitary gland secretes adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH)---ACTH stimulates the adrenal glands to produce the hormone corticosteroid---cortisol enables the body to maintain steady supplies of blood sugar---adequate and steady blood sugar levels help person to cope w/ prolonged stressor and helps the body to return to normal…….
人類在見到自己喜歡的人的時候, 體內所產生的化學變化和stress response的過程很相似----secretes stress hormones such as cortisol, norepinephrine, increase in breathing and heart rate, secretes dopamine etc.... Psychologist針對這個現象曾經做過試驗分析, 最後的結論就是---"Misattribution of arousal" is a term in psychology which describes the tendency to mislabel the feelings of fear arousal as feelings of romantic arousal…...
回到我的問題, Dr.G問"how did u feel after meeting him?"我很認真的想了想說"my only regret was hidin' my feelings and not tellin' him how much I cared before we walked apart and might never see eachother again…....I'm so grateful to have another chance to say somethin' I was supposed to say in Ghana……..it's a tremendous relief as I have no regrets now.…" "well done, memories fade away eventually but regrets just make them last forever……" Dr.G看著我微笑, 而我卻沉浸在回憶中, 心情複雜的坐在那裏, 很久都說不出話來…..
突然腦袋跳出1件事, 我激動的說" I just don’t understand why are some people so mean on the Internet? what had I done to deserve that? they didn't know my name and where I come from, the funny thing was none of them had ever volunteered in Africa, what right had they to criticize my story and humiliate me like that?....... I was taught to treat unkindness with kindness and love the enemies, but….. it's so freaking damn hard, I couldn't stand it……."
講著講著, 我就忍不住的傷心大哭, 因為這個assignment我被網上1堆看不見的嘴巴圍住瘋狂嘲笑, 狂丟臭雞蛋, 而我所受的教育卻讓我無法用相同方式反擊, 就算禮貌解釋卻被直接當成編寫小說的證明, 最後讓我憤努的把手裏的ipad丟進後院的pool出氣…….
Dr.G默默的遞來1盒tissue讓我發泄堆在心裏的frustration….…我哭了很久, 突然發現tissue已經被我run out…..不知道什麽時候, Dr.G已經坐到了我的旁邊, 看到我抬起頭, 他就像magician拿出1盒chocolate微笑的說"Amy (Dr.G助手)準備了這種有wasabi味道, 我很好奇, 你要不要和我1起試吃?" what? chocolate w/ wasabi?? 我就忍不住笑出來了….
老實說味道有點奇怪, 也有點讓我想像不到, 因為我平時隻吃固定牌子的dark chocolate. 不過吃完後, 我就明白了Dr.G的真正意思, 接著就有了這個有意義的對話….
Dr.G asked "do u know how pilot training keeps crews sharp?""flight simulator?….I saw it on TV .…" "absolutely correct, pilots need simulator training to keep their edge, cuz aircraft's very expensive but pilot’s more precious…" "well, I could handle it much cooler if I knew in advance..…" "experiences are more valuable than anything at some point……keep in mind that the strongest part of our skin is "scar"….…and congrats~!"
接著我們開始討論網絡"troll" & "lulz" 現象, Dr.G還講了相關的心理研究分析, 整理如下:
What’s “troll” & “lulz”?
"Anonymous" online violence has grown more prevalent in recent decades, it through bullying, harassment, intimidation, troll with inappropriate comments (sexually or racially orientated) and use “FREE SPEECH” to harm and humiliate others in a deliberate and hostile manner.
It’s much easier for people being “mean” “rage” or "troll" online than in real life, cuz there’s a freedom of speech w/o a fear of consequences, retaliate and inhibition. Several suicides have been linked to this type of activities, especially in adolescents and young adults, such as the story of movie "Cyberbully"
Our world has set a “criterion" to measure everything from physical appearance to sociocultural attitudes, but somehow people often use a crooked yardstick or an imbalance scale instead. Cuz "criterion" in a way that judge and criticize has become an excellent “tool” to drag down any potentially well-equipped being, it's called "crab mentality" which is derived from a popular phrase of "crabs in a bucket" that describes a way of thinking "if I can't have it, neither can u!"
Psychology studies have borne out the theory that people physically distanced from each other are much less acting nice, cuz human brains are hardwired to receive in all manner of nonverbal cues such as gestures, facial expressions, tone, eye contact and w/ pitch of the speaking pace etc. At online activities, those cues are disappeared and people are stripped of the nonverbal cues. People often perceive it as threatening and react accordingly when they are faced w/ guesswork and ambiguity…..
"Eye contact"is a form of nonverbal communication and has a massive influence on social behavior. According to psychology studies that human are twice as likely to be hostile and trollish when their eyes were hidden, it’s best described as a theory of "most aggression and violent behavior comes from inner insecurity"
Why people take their frustration out online to blow off some steam? Internet forum tend attracts a niche part of the society and some patrons naturally come w/ their own vulnerabilities and insecurities, most importantly that many people can't afford to be “mean” in real life. As a matter of fact that people who seem so "mean" online can be much nicer and shy in real, cuz it's just a small part of them looking for an outlet to let go of the frustrations or anger, but at the other side of the same coin is people who seem "nice" online can be mean in real life …….
討論到這裏, 我就忍不住哈哈的笑了, 也許Dr.G是對的, 也許在我家人的眼中, I'm a troublemaker and "mean" sometimes …….終於, 我感覺平恒了, 至少我的人生還沒有出現那麽多的frustration & anger, 我也不需要躲到網上對著無鼓陌生人發泄怒火. 這就是Dr.G, 每次跟他講完話, 我都會有種像重生的感覺….
接著我們開始討論PTSD & Depression的知識, 具體內容我寫在前麵1節, 這裏就不寫了. 過了2天, Dr. G的office收到了
接著,開始做questionnaire, 他提問我要很快速的答, 我猜他是要那種沒有思考過的答案. 不知道過了多久, 反正我答了很多題. 結束後, Dr.G把答案紙放到1個機器下麵scan然後比照我的身體報告和computer的結果. 過了1會, 他轉頭微笑的對我說"congratulations, Ms. XXX….. u've fully recovered!"
OMG, 那是1種怎樣的聲音? 就像我正跪著靜心祈禱, 突然傳來天堂清亮又美妙的鍾聲, 我就忍不住站起來, 很興奮的低叫, 雙手在空中亂揮的跳了幾下. 等我發完瘋才發現Dr.G靜靜的坐在那裏, 1直微笑的看著我, 我就有點臉紅的道歉自己的失儀….
接著Dr.G很詳細跟我解說身體報告和PTSD相連關係. 他講完後, 我就興奮的講我的人生夢想和已經計劃好要做的事情, blahblahblah…整理錄音時, 我聽到自己喜悅的聲音就像小鳥那樣的不停講…..偶爾才聽到Dr.G輕柔的幫我分析的聲音, 突然就想他怎能忍受a wordy woman like me? 也許這就是professional, 也許結束後, 他也要去撞牆發泄? 哈哈哈….
終於我講完了, Dr.G表情平靜的問"what would u do if your house were flooded?"雖然感覺topic很跳, 我卻很本能的說"drain the water, dump the trash, repair the carpet and repaint the wall…" "terrific….now it's time to repaint the wall, go w/ your husband, he’s waitin'….."他微笑的遞來1張紙,上麵印Dr. W (marriage & family counselor). 突然我感覺有點奇怪的問wait…..did he take your session too? Dr.G卻婉轉的說他要respect the client privacy policy ……
結束前, Dr.G問我還有其他問題? 我想了想就玩笑的問"我很好奇你怎樣見我1次就能知道我喜歡看什麽書? 難道你有superpower?" Dr.G哈哈的笑著說"我也很希望我是wizard, 但其實是你爸爸事先就告訴了我, 還有特別為你準備的你最愛的chocolate......"
又要說再見了, 我的心情很複雜, 很高興又很不舍, 但我知道這絕不是我們最後1次的見麵, 因為對我來說, Dr.G已經不再隻是我的shrink而且還是我人生的mentor……
走出office, 推開building的大門 , 迎麵吹來的清風, 帶著淡淡的花香, 我知道Dr.G已經幫我把心底所有的石頭都搬走了, 現在我就要開始清理可能剩下的幾片落葉, 因為春天已經到了, 這是炫耀美麗的季節. 我現在的心情就是----hello spring~!
I love this paragraph very much!
Learned to care less about the nasty behaviors and ignore their carriers.
Like you as always!
雖然我們有不同的人生閱曆，你用生命分享了你對生命的喜悅，我被深深感染。
你的生命讓我對兒子們的人生，有了一種特別盼望，幫助我一下子理解了上帝所賦予他們的獨特的人生之路，會與我完全不同的道路。讓我更尊重他們，盼望為他們將來的人生觀有更好的預備，也明白有一天他們在我這裏學到的，會被他們自己的生活所檢驗，我所無法預備和教導的，他們要自己去體會。上帝賦予他們隻屬於他們自己內心的對生命的獨特感受，這是他們與上帝之間的事。
感謝上帝，不論道路如何不同，相同的是我們都可以從祂那裏，體會生命的奇跡和喜悅。我們都是上帝的孩子。
我用了整整一個晚上會更長的時間讀你的博客。非常感謝神，讓我很認真地去體會你博客裏的內容。謝謝上帝給你恩賜，神祝福你。
田鼠，你有那麽多同齡人沒有過經曆不如多寫寫，讓大家也打開下視野，增長寫知識吧。