粉紅鼠的世界
Proud mama of 3, the little sweet pea is on her way~
Dr.G和我約定recovery 6 個月後就要回去複查, 隻是年底節日太多超忙, 所以從Seoul過完春節回來, 我馬上就按事先的約定去見Dr.G. 其實我也超愛跟Dr.G聊天的, 他智慧又幽默又超nice, 從cost & benefit來看, 感覺是我超賺的, 哈哈哈…..
看到我, Dr.G微笑的問“what brings u here today?” “u gave me a coupon, remember? so…..here I am” 我玩笑的回答. 不知道為什麽, 在Dr.G的麵前, 我馬上就會變成小小孩, 感覺很興奮, 心裏好像有很多話要說卻不知道從那裏開始.
Dr.G像看穿我的心, 就微笑提示“what's goin’ on in your life lately?”我就講和家人到Bali & BVI渡假的故事. 開始前我拿出iphone問可以錄音嗎? 因為我要記錄所有內容作為將來寫autobiography的資料. Dr.G就笑著說 I’ll be famous someday….我也笑著說u already are….
開始了, Dr.G靜靜的聽, 偶爾做note, 我很快就講完旅行故事, 正猶豫要不要接著講和Shawn見麵的事. Dr.G突然表情平靜的問“anything else……..like catchup w/ someone?” whee~! 我真的開始懷疑他有superpower, 竟然都知道我在想什麽. 我就會意的笑, 繼續講…...
終於講完了, Dr.G看著我很溫和的笑卻沒有講話, 突然, 我就有點小緊張的問“what's on your mind?” 沒想到他卻道謙說他個人有事要處理, 今天需要提前結束. 接著他跟我約時間, 竟然是2周後, 雖然我很想快點見麵卻又不能表現很急, 感覺我不成熟…..
從來都沒感覺等待Dr.G的那2周竟然是那麽的漫長. 終於等到了約定的那天, 我就等不及的開車過去, 到了他的office竟然還早了10mins, 哈哈哈…..
剛坐下, Dr.G就說“今天你有90mins, 30mins補上次….” “cool~! ”我狂喜, 剛想問他對上次故事的看法, 他卻問assignment完成怎樣? 我說“I wrote everything down and posted online as u instructed…..” “and then?” “and…..it hurts…..”“how come?” 我沉默了1下輕聲的說“some people made fun of my story and taunted me…...”沒想到Dr.G不安慰卻微笑的問“such as?” I blushed, smiled uneasily and murmured “well…...in their eyes, I’m selfish, irresponsible, lazy, greedy, stupid, weak, shameless…....”我還沒有說完, Dr.G突然就哈哈的笑起來, 讓我很awkward---真的很好笑嗎??
Dr.G溫和的說“forgive me……I thought u're talkin’ about me…..” what? 我更迷胡了. 他微笑的說“relax…...we’re all born w/ some negative traits and it’s the part of human nature…….tell me, how did u respond to criticism?” “nothing…....but I’ll never go there again…..” “why?” “birds of a feather flock together…..”“huh….that's it?” “that’s it!” “interestin’….”
Dr.G靜靜的盯著我微笑, 我被看的有點小緊張, 停了1下他又輕輕的追問“really?” 那1瞬間我感覺就像被閃電打到1樣, 隻好氣鼓鼓的低叫著坦白“alright, I was so upset and threw my ipad into swimming pool……...r u happy now?!”
“Beautiful~!” 突然傳來Dr.G高興的聲音“that’s exactly what I wanted to hear!” 我就很茫然的望著他, why?why??why??? 因為從小到大我都被教育---if u lose your temper, u r the loser!!
麵對我不解的表情, Dr.G微笑解說---讓我記錄經曆是1種therapy. “writing”是把心中的感覺變成文字,把emotional energy從“虛無”變成“真實”的過程, 文字的選擇和整合就是整理雜亂思緒把“subconscious”轉成“consciousness”, 這個叫“journey of self-discovery”. 就像dam到1定高度就要打開sluice gate放水, “anxiety”代表過高的水壓, “writing”代表放水的過程.
打開“sluice gate”放水後, 就可以開始啟動更深入的“psychodrama”. 目標是restore emotional resilience to stress. 就好像violin的原理, 弦不緊就不能拉, 如果弦太緊超過本身的壓力就會斷掉…..
PTSD的人因為經曆了traumatic event, brain gets stuck in the trauma and relives it over and over again and then loss the spontaneous recovery of resilience, it’s like an old phonograph album where the needle is stick in a certain groove and can’t stop until someone picks up the needle.
“Psychodrama”是讓在化解trauma過程中stuck在某個地方的protagonist, 在1個安全的環境重新演出那些曾經引起強烈情緒反應的情境. 演出時的情緒發泄可以evacuate the residual emotional energy 調整並修正trauma帶來的痛苦記憶, 幫助protagonist對難以釋放的情緒作重新整合, 達到cognitive processing therapy (CPT)的效果, 最終目標是restore emotional resilience in response to stress, 減輕trauma所帶來的心理壓力和衝擊.
聽完後, 我還是很不解的問“why couldn’t I just keep the assignment to myself?” “what triggered your PTSD symptom?” “Casablanca song sent to me from that forum……”突然我就好像有點明白了…..
Dr.G繼續解說“Exposure therapy” is a behavioral treatment for PTSD, it targets learned behaviors that people engage in avoidance behavior in response to situations or thoughts and memories that are viewed as frightening or anxiety provoking.
因為PTSD對身體造成的衝擊, Protagonist的腦子自動的就把當時發生的traumatic event和內心所產生的恐懼連結起來, 所以就會自動的逃避所有相關的事和人. “Exposure therapy”是要幫助protagonist學習怎樣重新麵對和traumatic event有關的人, 事, 物和所產生的害怕情緒….
但是在實際治療中, 還是有許多人hesitant to go through “exposure therapy”, cuz it sounds too scary to confront and reconnect the fears. 所以我的assignment是被投放在1個safe & virtual place (anonymous Chinese online forum and most of my friends don't speak Chinese) At this place, I won’t be judged or shackled by my social network,我可以很輕鬆的重新經曆那些曾經引起強烈情緒的情境, audiences的參於作為simulation of stress tolerance test 測試出我真實或潛在的stress tolerance, 幫助我練習怎樣去調整各種不同的情緒, 修正放鬆技巧, 學習怎樣在真實情境裏應對相似的壓力through this personal journey of self-healing. 目標是在我的recovery period, 讓我從心裏不再逃避那些曾經引起害怕恐懼和其他情緒的人和事, reduce the fear and anxiety naturally and then move to the next stage completely……
這些therapy還適用全人類, 相比前幾代, 現代人因為技術不斷發展的生活更stress out, 但是現代教育卻要大家成為lady & gentlemen. 雖然privacy issue 改變了現代人的生活方式, 但天生的動物群居本能卻不會變. 因為我們喜歡看別人privacy, 所以有了paparazzo, 因為我們喜歡exchange privacy, 所以FB很流行, 因為我們要release the stress and anxiety by chatting or sharing, 所以就有了internet forum & blog.…
沒想到Dr.G 的assignment竟然那麽有深度, 讓我更等不及的問第2個assignment是真的要我生小孩嗎? 因為我就是很好奇的人, 什麽都要問清楚, 不然心裏會很難受. 整理如下:
PTSD is a mental injury not mental illness, it often accompanied by a diminution of physical strength and compromised immune system. I had experienced some typical PTSD symptoms last year, such as nightmares, flashbacks, lost 20+pounds in 1 month, staying asleep, anorexia and physical aches, etc…..
The assignment about having a baby was an attempt to distract my attention from the anxiety and stress and tried to restore my immune system in the shortest possible time...
PTSD的各種symptoms直接影響了體能和ovulatory cycle, 當人腦接收到“要懷孕”的signal, 就會把這個signal傳給母體做準備:
1. Stop taking birthcontrol pill: PTSD increases stress & anxiety which affect hormones, hormones affect immune system, birthcontrol pill affects hormones levels
2. Manage health problems: find out how pregnancy may affect and how to avoid illness
3. Family supports and planning: “SEX” could lower the stress and blood pressure, boosts Immunity, oxytocin released during orgasm promotes sleep and boosts endorphins which is body’s painkillers, orgasms boosts levels of the hormone oxytocin which helps the couples bond and build trust etc.
4. 準備受孕過程就是幫我轉移注意力, relaxation, 增重, 食欲和睡眠, rebalance hormones, boosts Immunity etc. 最終目標是要降低PTSD對我身體的傷害.
5. "Becoming a mom"對任何1個喜歡小孩的女生都是堅定生命意誌的原動力. 因為PTSD如果不小心發展到 delayed onset PTSD 就會有很高的suicide傾向, 所以Dr.G在我的recovery period就預先幫我打好預防針, 以防萬1. 因為“pygmalion effect” 對人類的影響是非常大的, 畢竟人類70%的潛能都在沉睡中……
聽完後, 我就玩笑的說“我還要完成這個作業嗎?” Dr.G微笑的說“我的工作是消除PTSD對你身體的傷害或降到最低的level, 當你的身體狀況回複到PTSD之前的level, 就由你和家人決定…..”
我靜靜的坐著digest info., 突然又想起跟Shawn見麵的事, 就問Dr.G的意見, 沒想到談話時間又快到了. 約好下次時間後, Dr.G寫了讓我去做身體檢查的order, 再給了我1堆有關PTSD的醫學資料讓我學習, 說下次見麵要討論..
PS. 我是邊寫邊貼的, 請多包容錯別字.
待續
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