My mom is a gynecologist; she has seen numerous babies born to this world in her life. Yet I don’t remember how many times she told me not to have a child. I asked her why. She said it was too painful to have a child; you would miss her, worry about her. Every time, I laughed at her. I said, mom, don’t you see I am so happy; I wouldn’t get to enjoy the life if I were not born. My answer kept my mom silent only for the moment. Later, when I got married, my mom tried really hard to persuade my husband agree not to have a child. Well, to be honest, we never took it seriously and sometimes we even joked about it.
Today when I am about ready to have a baby, I can’t believe it for the first time I feel I am not sure anymore. I am not sure what kind of world this is, it is an unpredictable place that anything could happen, especially things really bad. I am not sure what kind of people he/she is going to meet; I cannot cage her somewhere in a safe box to avoid the bad influence, which is sometimes everywhere in the air even worse than the worst air pollution. I am not sure what kind of living she is going to have, I would rather she not to live it if hers turns out meaningless; money and sex don’t necessarily make it meaningful. I am not sure she will feel satisfied and not to blame me to bring her to this world; I didn’t tell my mom that indeed there had been times I wished I were not alive. It will be tough to live the right way in a messed up place like this. It is painful to see you loved ones suffer. It is so much pain for me and for her. Then why should I do this to myself and to her? This is a tough question.
I guess at least so far I’ve made my parents proud. It won’t be any easier, but I won’t give up doing so, and I want them to be happy. I can be weak; it is actually not a bad feeling to let myself being weak for a while :-). The most beautiful thing in this life is to find someone(s) to love and then being loved by them. I think I am going to take the challenge. My child is going to be a tough person who has strong capacity to love a lot of people. He/she is going to be a happy child with a lot of friends. He/she is going to see hope when it seems hopeless. He/she is going to enjoy a lot of things easily.
