The darkest time in my life

This might be the darkest time in my life. Otherwise, I won't feel this bad. The word 'bad' is not any close to what I really felt about my life every single day. It sucks.

I just gave up. I guess. There is nothing I could do or even just expect. There is no hope. The coldest winter is just coming.

Endless empty. Hopeless. Drained. Is death any worse than living like this?

Being so coward by saying this, like giving up, I already know this, and I used to be a strong and independent woman. What changed me this much? Was I really strong and independant as I thoguht I have always been before? I doubt myself.

I now finally know life is all about suffering. The Buddhists say this all the time, and I would say yes based on my own experience and feeling. I wish I could just go to the temper if I were not in my current situation, as being a careful and loving mom who has to take care of her son on her own, emotionally and financially, even though still with a paper contract with her signature on it. What's the difference between the paper with just the empty vows and signature and nothing? Yes, it's true, and it sucks.

Life just made a big joke for me. I have put as much effort as I can offer to make my marriage run, which just ends up being nothing. Men usually push the others(women) to end up the things which they actually didn't really put any effort on fixing it or at least making it work a little bit just because they don't want to be the person who would take the blame that breaks down something later. It's unfair, but pathetically, we have nothing to do with it.

Life is going to be even harder if both sides are just observing and waiting,  What are they waiting for? Who knows?

I believe love is the only thing can be possibly working things out. There might be no love at all. And what should the love be?