In my book Prince Harming Syndrome, I share an article from The New York Times about the psychology of evil which included "The Psychopath Checklist."
Criminal psychiatrists use this helpful list to test the potential of someone being a hardcore psychopath, capable of committing repeated evil and violent crimes.
Guess which traits psychopaths share?
- Glibness
- Extreme charisma
- Need to always be doing something
- Feelings of high self-worth
- Pathological lying
- Proneness to boredom
- Emotional unavailability
To my amusement, all these adjectives also described my now ex-Prince Harming boyfriend, who was an adorably charismatic, fun, active, confident guy. But in the end, he turned out to be a two-faced lying cheater.
What's the love lesson learned? One of the top traits to look for in a partner is an appealingly strong character.
Think about it for a moment. Good character values not only come in handy on a day-to-day basis, but during those eventual, inevitable times of conflict.
If you and your partner do not value putting in the effort of acting with strong character values during times of disagreement, disappointment, stress, crisis, temptation, sadness, monetary-challenges, illness, vulnerability, misunderstandings—then your relationship will always suffer!
Indeed, John Gottman, the famed psychologist and researcher who runs The Love Lab, says he can predict how long a couple will last, not by studying how well a couple gets along, but by studying how well a couple doesn't get along. A relationship is only as strong as its weakest link— how a couple handles their challenges.
The good news: If you're involved in what my favorite philosopher buddy Aristotle called a "Relationship of Shared Virtue"—you will both want to deal with conflict by facing up to it with "strong character values" and viewing it as "a laboratory for growth."
Unfortunately a lot of people are involved in the two other kinds of relationships Aristotle describes - neither of which are built to bring true happiness.
Firstly... Aristotle mentions Relationships of Pleasure - which are when you find a partner who's about sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. You share soulless, passionate sex and playful banter—but it never goes deep. It's about nurturing the body or ego - not the soul (or core self) so you can grow as a person. They're basically sexmates or egomates -- so they never bring real-deal happiness.
Secondly...Aristotle describes Relationships of Utility - which are when you pick a partner in hopes of garnering status, power, money and beauty. A known example: rich guy/trophy girl. (Or here in NYC: rich girl/trophy guy!) Again, this type of partner is about body or ego -- not soul. In a way they are "souldmates" - not soulmates -- because you sell your soul to be with them -- settling for the superficiality of a walletmate or eyecandymate or statusmate.
In the end Aristotle firmly recommends seeking to build what he calls Relationships of Shared Virtue - where you find a partner who gets you in your soul (core self) and lovingly challenges and inspires you to grow into your highest potential. A good example is when Jack Nicholson's character in As Good As It Gets says, "You make me want to be a better man."
According to Aristotle if you want to enjoy a thriving relationship built to last the long haul, you must prioritize seeking a Relationship of Shared Virtue —instead of crushing on "superficial lures" and "material goods" (wealthiness, hotness, funniness, smartness, successfulness, etc). You must take time to see past your partner's "superficial lures" --remembering that hot, steamy chemistry eventually fades—and what's always left beneath is a person's true soul...true core self...true character.
Confession time: For me, "humor" is a superficial alluring quality I've in the past been suckered in by. I am Silly Putty in a friggin' funny man's hands. I once had a boyfriend who teased me that the secret to getting me into bed was to crack five good jokes in a night. He'd count down his jokes as the night progressed. Unfortunately, funniness is a mere decorative quality —sometimes developed to avoid talking about real-life issues. Which is why in the past, after a few months of dating a "friggin' funny" guy, I've witnessed all that fabulous ha-ha-ha laughter often give way to tears, when the guy's true character—true soul—shows up as one that avoids honest communication, warm empathy and the desire for growth. Then, when I try to connect soul to soul—heart to heart—I am greeted by a gigantic, unmovable whoopee cushion wall.
Basically, "friggin' funny" is only the tiniest tip of a person. Meanwhile, a person's soul/core self/character is a person's foundation!
For the record: Aristotle wasn't against finding someone "friggin' funny" or "friggin' sexy" or "friggin' rich." Aristotle believed these "pleasure-bringing" qualities were good for stirring up passion, which humans need to be our fullest selves! But Aristotle recognized "superficial lures" and "material goods" were simply what he called "means to the ends" of happiness, not "the final ends," which is always to grow into your most esteemed self.
As Aristotle said: Men imagine the causes of happiness lie in external goods. That is as if they were to ascribe fine and beautiful lyre playing to the quality of the instrument rather than the skill of the player."
Or as I like to say:"It's just as easy to complain about a rich man as it is to complain about a poor man." (It doesn't matter how rich a partner is if his behavior makes you twitchy and miserable!)
While on the subject of money, Aristotle was no fan of slackers either. Aristotle recognized that being poor -- or getting into a relationship with someone poor -- brought its share of problems. He even admitted the lack of a certain amount of wealth was as much an obstacle to happiness as the deprivation of freedom! He gladly accepted that some wealth was needed to be happy—just as exciting bodily pleasures were needed. But again, wealth and bodily pleasures were mere means to the ends of happiness—these ultimate ends being to nourish your soul, so you can reach your most esteemed level of self.
In summary, Aristotle's big tip for love happiness:
Stop focusing on finding a Mr. or Ms. Right! Instead, focus on finding Life Plan Right -- the path which leads you to grow into your highest potential. Then, when a Mr. or Ms. Potential Right comes along, you must ask yourself if this person will potentially downward spiral you to Life Plan Wrong -- or lead you upwards to become your highest self in a Life Plan Right direction!
