我應是誰？

小時候我常問媽媽這個問題：為什麽你和爸爸結婚四年才有我？你看別的阿姨一結婚，第二年就有寶寶了。媽媽總回答說：幸虧結婚四年才生孩子，要是和你爸一結婚就懷寶寶，生出來的就不是你嘍。我為此想了幾天都沒想明白，要是媽媽真的一結婚就很快生寶寶，是男是女都有可能，反正就不是我了，那我將會在哪兒呢？為什麽不早不晚，偏偏他們四年後決定生小孩，我就成了那個小孩，我又想，為什麽有我之後不久，妹妹就出生了，若是媽媽再等四年，說不定生出個弟弟或另外一個妹妹，那也比總和這個妹妹常常拌嘴打架強呀。

事隔多年，我已完全忘記了這個隻有孩提時代才問的問題，有一次我去教會，聽牧師講道，說我們都是被神撿選的人，我眼前一亮，對呀，答案有了，原來我是被神早就選定的，不單是我，所有我們在這個世上的人都是被神撿選的，否則為什麽我們會降生在世上，隻是很多人不願意承認這一點罷了。

有時我偶而去教會，聽牧師的講道感覺也非常好，但看到教會很多人如醉如癡的表情，我常常有些不自在，為什麽我無法做到像他們一樣完全投入呢？曾經有個朋友告訴我說，你跟神的關係應該是像戀人那樣，每天和他談戀愛，將你內心所有的酸甜苦辣告訴他，她講這話的時候，臉上的表情是那樣滿足，淡定，我知道她有一個非常愛他的丈夫和溫馨的家庭，但她說在信主之前她不快樂，即便她的丈夫仍是那樣地愛她。

和神談戀愛，怎麽談？神不是天上的父親嗎？我不懂，但有一點我知道，神的愛是大能的，不求回報的，而我們地上的人談戀愛卻是要回報的，有誰願意愛一個不愛自己的人而不求回報呢？即便有，那也是短暫的，是經不起時間考驗的。

那麽還是做神的兒女吧，小時候父親工作太忙，不大管我，我一直覺得缺少父愛，初二時我甚至希望我的班主任就是我的爸爸。回想過去成長的經曆，那時在我最渴望父愛的時候，若我知道我在天上有一個愛我的父親，那該多好。

我曾經認識一位神父(FatherBourret)，他兩年前去世，享年九十四歲，他十八歲決定跟隨主並開始他的神父生涯，足跡遍布全世界每個角落，四十年代初期他曾宣教於中國，在中國一住就是八年直到解放才離開，八十年代他已七十歲高齡，還經常在蘇聯和美國之間奔波，為蘇聯爭取到很多實際的經濟援助，他的名字在蘇聯廣為傳頌，聽我婆婆講他在加州也是非常有威望的神父，我在婆婆家見過他幾次，我婆婆對他鼎禮膜拜，我卻不以為然，直到他生命的最後一個階段我有機會零距離經常接觸到他，才和他有了較深入的平等的交談。我問他若是人生能重新來過，您是否還會選擇在十八歲時做神父，他說他會的。我說您不覺得年邁時沒有家人，兒女，很孤獨無助嗎？他說他有幾百個兒女，經常打電話寫信，一點都不孤獨，吃住都有特別的地方照顧，連墓地都已為他預備好，在一個風景秀麗的山上。每次他到我的診所，我都主動講不收費，他說他曾經手過上千萬的資產，卻不曾為自己留一毛錢，但他又說他也不曾缺過錢，每次有需要的時候神都有為他供應。

看到這位風燭殘年的老人的臉上流露著自信，滿足和堅毅，他的眉眼之間透著英俊，身高六英尺，不胖不瘦，我猜他年輕時一定是個美男子，我的好奇心又驅使我問了他最後一個問題，我問到：您年輕時看得出一定很帥氣，而做為神父又不能結婚成家，您曾經接觸過那麽多人，難道您的心就是鋼鐵做的，對身邊的女人從沒愛慕過？他說，不是的，他有動心過，好幾次，但他的職責高於一切，他不能做任何神不喜悅的事。他說這句話的時候，我從他的眼神裏看到堅定，無奈，深沉，久遠或許還有一絲的痛苦？我說不清，隻有上帝知道，一個將自己畢生的精力和青春年華獻給主的人所體驗的心路曆程和那沉甸甸的十字架道路。

相比之下，我常常因為怕受製約而遠離教會，常常怕改變自己而不去主動讀聖經，我還怕讀多了聖經，就少了很多屬於自己的娛樂，更怕十字架會沉重的壓在我的背上使我喘不過氣來。唉，人生如此的短暫，到底是應該注重這短暫的幾十年榮華富貴和所謂的享樂，還是要尋求更高更永久的盼望？

[littlepumpkin99]

在漢代密瓜的博克裏讀到你關於幸福的留言 (回:像劉曉慶那樣生活)。 心裏很有震動，一直追到這裏，再讀你關於宗教的感慨。 實在是很有啟發和共鳴。。。
希望更多像我一樣隻體會/看到幸福一麵/幾麵的人， 可以讀到你深刻，成熟的領悟。。。從而對人生有更寬厚的理解。。。

[陝西豁豁]

Always tell someone that you love them because you never know what day
will be their last, or your own.

Always seek to resolve your problems or disagreements with loved ones
because if either of you should pass on before, the one who is left alive
will have the rest of their life to ponder those unresolved feelings but
will never find closure. And closure usually brings
peace...

[陝西豁豁]

Send it to the kids.....

My mom only had one eye. I hated her... she was such an embarrassment.
She cooked for students & teachers to support the family.

There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to
say hello to me.

I was so embarrassed.

How could she do this to me?
I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out.
The next day at school one of my classmates said, "EEEE, your mom
only
has one eye!"

I wanted to bury myself.
I also wanted my mom to just disappear.
I confronted her that day and said, " If you're only goanna make
me a
laughing stock, why don't you just die?"

My mom did not respond...
I didn't even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because
I was full of anger.
I was oblivious to her feelings.

I wanted out of that house, and have nothing to do with her.
So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study.
Then, I got married.
I bought a house of my own.
I had kids of my own.
I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts, Then one day, my
mother came to visit me.
She
hadn't seen me in years and she didn't even meet her
grandchildren.

When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at
her for coming over uninvited.
I screamed at her, "How dare you come to my house and scare my
children!"
GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!"

And to this, my mother quietly answered, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I may
have
gotten the wrong address,"
and she disappeared out of sight.
One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house.

So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip.
After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity.


My neighbors said that she died.
I did not shed a single tear.
They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.

"My dearest son,
I think of you all the time. I'm sorry that I came to your house and
scared your children.
I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion.
But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you.
I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were
growing up.

You see........when you were very little, you got into an accident, and
lost your eye.
As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you
having to grow up with one eye.
So I gave you mine.
I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my
place, with that eye.

With all my love to you,
Your mother.

[Bali]

mm走西口，很久不見哦。我沒有受過洗禮，但我深信不疑。我時常去教堂祈禱做彌撒，但是從來不去認識別的教友。我覺得我和神的關係是很私人的，朋友同事家人很少有人知道我去教堂，神就好像是我的秘密情人。順其自然吧。隻要你心中有他，他一定明白的。

[白玫瑰花]

“人生如此的短暫，到底是應該注重這短暫的幾十年榮華富貴和所謂的享樂，還是要尋求更高更永久的盼望？”其實兩者都有道理，不論如何，最關鍵自己要活得開心。

[小雪兒2009]

我現在忙的都受快不了了,自己的時間實在是太少,沒事的時候隻想著去休息.
將來有那麽一天,我不忙了,我一定會去教堂.感受一下那種神聖的氣氛.或許有那麽一種精神存在於我們世俗生活之上.

[忘記你忘記我]

樓上說的很對，自己想做的才能做好。

[曾寧]

MM說了我想說的話。也想去教堂感受一下，可是好幾次看到熱情四溢的教友，我隻想逃，生怕我的不虔誠傷害了他們

[曉青]

很多事情是要自己想才能做的，不要勉強自己。