南山鬆

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周末一笑: 神秘廚具(轉載)

(2016-05-13 16:13:23) 下一個

1 神秘廚具/The Mystery Kitchen Utensil

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper.

在我收藏的老古董廚具裏，有一件的預定用途始終是一個謎。它看上去像是金屬漏勺和鍋鏟的二合一，所以我也把它當成這兩樣使用。不用時，它便被突出地展示在我廚房裏的一個裝飾性廚具收納瓷盤裏。

最近在一次雜物義賣上我發現了原裝品，這勺/鏟的謎也隨之解開。

這是一把狗糞鏟。

2 時區是很難的/Time Zones Are Hard

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes. The woman asked, ?“Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”

當我出去吃午飯時，我的同事替我接了電話，並告訴來電者我20分鍾後回來。那女士問，“那20分鍾是中部標準時間嗎？”

3 買畫的一個原因/One Reason To Buy A Painting

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.

“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.

“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in our wall.”

在一個藝術畫廊，一名婦女和她十歲的兒子在我的一幅畫和另一位藝術家的作品之間進行了艱難的選擇。他們最終選了我的。

“我猜你拿定主意你喜歡秋天的景色勝過花卉，”我說。

“不，”那男孩說。“你的畫更寬，所以它能蓋住我們牆上的三個洞。”

4 選一個丈夫，任何丈夫/Pick a Husband, Any Husband

As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …”

She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”

賭場自助餐的迎賓女招待把我帶到我的桌子旁時，我請她留意我的丈夫，他很快就會與我匯合。我開始來形容他：“他已經頭發花白，戴著眼鏡，有一個大肚子......”

她阻止了我。“親愛的，”她說，“今天是老年日。他們都像你描述的那樣。”

5 阿呆的海洋/An Ocean of Dumb

A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. “Don’t lie to me,” he said. ?“I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.”

一個男士打來電話，對我們為他預定的佛羅裏達州的奧蘭多度假套餐火冒三丈：他想要一個海景酒店房間。我解釋說這是不可能的，因為奧蘭多是在該州的中部。“別騙我，”他說。“我看了地圖，佛羅裏達是一個非常窄的州。”

6 不同物種的一匹馬/A Horse Of A Different Species

Scene: Horseback-riding stable.

Mom: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter.

Me: Our horses are very sweet …

Mom: Don’t you have something smaller? What about that one over there? It’s the perfect size for her!

Me: Um … that’s a goat.

場景：騎馬場。

媽媽：那些馬對我的女兒來說都太大了。

我：我們的馬都非常溫柔...

媽媽：你沒有更小的嗎？在那兒的那匹怎樣？這個頭對她來說棒極了！

我：嗯...那是一隻羊。