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周末一笑: 島上的創新(轉載)

(2016-01-08 17:21:09) 下一個

1 島上的創新/ISLAND INNOVATION

A hurricane capsizes a cruise ship in the Caribbean. A stock broker washes ashore on a remote island. Outside of the beautiful scenery, a fresh water pool and bananas, there is little else.

One day, after several months have passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appears.

"Wow! I can't believe I found another person!" she exclaims. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was," he answers. "Where did you get that rowboat?"

"Oh," she says, "I found it washed up on the beach. Where is your shelter?"

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the sand," he says.

She invites him to her side of the island. Once she's rowed them to her side, she ties up the boat with hand-woven rope. "It took forever to find enough washed up strands to braid that length of rope," she tells him.

She leads him to a cozy bungalow painted blue and green. "I scouted for felled trees and then stained the salvaged wood with these really juicy berries I found in the jungle," she tells him.

Once inside, she excuses herself to slip into something more comfortable. She returns wearing revealing silk lingerie, smiling provocatively.

"I found some washed up suitcases from the cruise ship a few weeks ago," she tells him. "But now that I've found you, I finally have a reason to wear something sexy again. Tell me, haven't you been lonely? Isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something you've been longing for, too?"

"Oh wow!" exclaims the man. "You mean you've found the Internet, too?!"

颶風傾覆了在加勒比地區的一艘遊輪。股票經紀被衝上了一個偏遠的島嶼。除了美麗的風景，一個淡水池塘和一些香蕉外，就很少有別的東西了。

數個月過去了，有一天，一個美麗的女人在一個小劃艇上出現了。

“哇！我真不敢相信我發現了另外一個人！”她感歎地說。 “你也是在遊輪上嗎？”

“是的，我是，”他回答。 “你從哪裏得到的劃艇？”

“哦，”她說，“我發現它被衝上了沙灘上。哪裏是你的居所？”

“說實話，我一直睡在沙灘上，”他說。

她邀請他到小島上她在的那一邊。一劃到她的地方，她用手工編織的繩子係了船。 “我用了無盡的時間才找到衝上岸的足夠的東西來編織這麽長的繩子，”她告訴他。

她領他到了一個塗成藍色和綠色的舒適的平房。 “我尋找倒下的樹，然後用在叢林裏發現的漿果汁給這些回收的木材塗上顏色。”她告訴他。

一進到屋裏，她就借口要讓自己更舒服些。出來時她穿著暴露的絲綢內衣，麵帶挑釁的微笑。

“幾個星期前我發現了一些遊輪上的行李箱衝了上來，”她告訴他。 “現在，我找到了你，我終於有了一個理由穿性感的衣服了。告訴我，你是不是感到孤獨？是不是有什麽東西讓你非常想念？有些事情也讓你一直渴望？”

“哦,哇！” 男人感歎到。“你是說你已經找到了網絡？！”

2 恐懼電腦/COMPUTER FEAR

I'm afraid of my computer. I know when I turn it off, it's learning new things without me.

我害怕我的電腦。我知道，當我把它關掉，它在我不在的時候學習新的東西。

3 愛情數學/THE MATHEMATICS OF LOVE

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

聰明男人 + 聰明女人 = 浪漫

聰明男人 + 愚蠢女人 = 婚外情

愚蠢男人 + 聰明女人 = 結婚

愚蠢男人 + 愚蠢女人 = 懷孕

4 朋友家的遙控器/REMOTE CONTROLS AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE

You ever go to your friend's house and try to turn on the TV? It's impossible. They have, like, 45 remote controls, right? Have you ever had your friend tell you to turn on the TV and then he leaves. And you're just like, 'Oh, my God' -- just pick up a remote, push a button, and their blender starts running; push another button, and their dog dies. You're like, 'You have a button for that? You have a dog death button? That's so awkward.'

你有沒有去你朋友家，並嚐試打開電視？那是不可能的。他們有大約45個遙控器，對不對？你的朋友告訴你打開電視，然後他離開。而你隻是，“噢，我的上帝” - 隻要拿起遙控，按下按鈕，他們的攪拌機開始運行;按下另一個按鈕，而他們的狗死了。你就像，“你有一個這樣的按鈕？你有一個讓狗死的鍵？這也太不對勁了吧。”

5 耶穌與撒旦的交談/JESUS AND SATAN ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

耶穌和撒旦正在進行的一場爭論是有關誰用的計算機更好。爭論已經持續了好幾天，上帝聽膩了所有的爭吵。

最後上帝說：“冷靜一點，我要做個測試，將運行兩個小時，我會判斷誰做的更好。”

因此，撒旦和耶穌坐到鍵盤旁開始輸入了。他們移動鼠標。他們做電子表格。他們寫報告。他們發傳真。他們發電子郵件。他們發帶有附件的電子郵件。他們下載。他們做了一些係統學報告。他們製作了許多卡片。他們做了所有已知的工作。但他們的時間就要到了的十分鍾前，突然閃電劃過天空，雷聲大作，大雨傾盆，結果，停電了。

撒旦盯著他的黑屏尖叫出知道的地獄中每個罵人的詞。耶穌隻是歎了口氣。電力終於搖曳著回來了，他們每個人重新啟動他們的計算機。

撒旦開始瘋狂地尋找，尖叫著“它不見了！這一切都沒有了！停電的時候我丟失了一切！”

同時，耶穌悄然打印出過去兩個小時中所有他的文件。撒旦觀察到這一點很憤怒。

“等等！他作弊了，他是怎麽做到的？”

神聳聳肩說，“耶穌拯救(耶穌保存)”。

6 邪惡/E-VIL

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.

She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."

She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:

"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.

Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your password and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."

The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.

Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."

There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.

A new page appears.

It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."

一個女人到達了天國之門，發現聖彼得不在，但一台電腦終端坐在拱門的旁邊。

她走了過去並看到，“歡迎來到www.天堂.com。請輸入您的用戶名和密碼才能繼續。”

她兩個都沒有，但該輸入處的下麵是一行小字：

“忘記了用戶名或密碼? 請點擊這裏。”於是她點了一下。

一個屏幕彈了出來，上麵寫著“請輸入至少兩個下麵的內容，你的密碼和用戶名將通過電子郵件發送給您。”需要輸入的包括“姓名”，“出生日期”，“死亡日期”和“最喜歡的食物。”

女人輸入了她的名字和出生日期，並點擊了“提交”按鈕。

另一個屏幕彈了出來，上麵寫著“很抱歉，在我們的數據庫中我們沒有找到相應的信息。你想注冊嗎？”於是女人點擊了標記著“是的”的按鈕。