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1 葬禮何時舉行? What Time Is The Funeral?
My son, a teaching assistant at the University of Kansas in Lawrence, had an important appointment after class one day. He put on a white shirt, a tie and a conservative dark suit. As he was leaving his apartment, he noticed his mouse trap had a victim. Holding the trap carefully out in front of him, he walked to the dump. A professor happened by, took in the situation and asked, "What time is the funeral?”
一天課後, 我兒子有一個重要的約會, 那時他在勞倫斯的堪薩斯大學任助教。他穿上白襯衣, 戴上領帶, 套上正統的深色西裝。正要離開房間的時候, 他發現鼠夾上夾了一隻老鼠。他小心謹慎地拿著鼠夾, 向垃圾堆走去。有位教授碰巧路過, 看到此番情景, 問道:“葬禮何時舉行?”
2 室友都有點怪 Roommates Are A Bit Strange
There was a university boy who left home and moved into the dorm. After a few weeks his parents phoned to find out how he was. "What are your roommates like?” his mother asked.
"They are a bit strange, actually,” he told his mum, "On one side there is a man who keeps banging his head against the wall, and on the other side there is another man who just cries and moans.”
"I would keep to myself if I were you, "advised his mother.
"Oh, I do,” the son replied. “I just stay in my room all day and play my bagpipes.”
一個男大學生離開家庭, 搬進了集體學生宿舍。幾個星期後, 他的父母打電話, 問他生活得怎麽樣。“你的室友怎麽樣?”他母親問道。
“說實話, 他們都有點奇怪, ”他告訴母親, “這邊住著一個男生, 總是用頭撞牆;那邊住著另外一個男生, 成天不是哭喊就是哀歎。”
“如果我是你, 我就不同他們來往。”他母親建議道。
“噢, 我就是這樣做的, ”兒子回答道, “我整天都待在自己的房間裏吹風笛。”
3 我以為你在叫下一個學生 I Thought You Called the Next Student
A teacher was asking a student a lot of questions, but the student could not answer any of them. The teacher then decided to ask him some very easy questions so that he could get a few right. "What was Bunker Hill” she said.
The student thought for some time and then answered, "An airport?”
“No, it was a battle.” the teacher said. She was getting a little angry now, but she was trying not to show it. Then she asked, "Who was the first President of the United States?”
The student thought for a long time, but did not say anything. Then the teacher got very angry and shouted. "George Washington!” The student got up and began to walk towards his seat.
"Come back,” the teacher said, “I did not tell you to go.”
"Oh, I am sorry.” the student said, “I thought you called the next student.”
老師問了一個學生很多問題, 但是這個學生卻一個問題也回答不出來。於是老師決定提問他一些簡單的問題, 好讓他回答對幾個。“邦克山是怎麽回事?”她說。
學生想了一會兒, 然後回答: “是飛機場吧?”
“不對, 它是一次戰役的發生地。”老師說。此刻, 她有些生氣了, 但是她竭力不表現出來, 隨後, 她又問: “誰是美國的第一任總統?”
學生想了很久, 但還是回答不出來。老師氣極了, 大吼一聲: “喬治·華盛頓!”這個學生站了起來, 朝著自己的座位走去。
“回來!”老師說, “我還沒有讓你走。”
“噢, 對不起,”學生說, “我以為你在叫下一個學生。”
4 海倫的眼鏡 Helen’s Glasses
Helen’s eyes was not very good, so she usually wore glasses. But when she was seventeen and she began to go out with a young man, she never wore her glasses when she was with him. When he came to the door to take her out, she took her glasses off, and when she came home again and he left, she put them on.
One day her mother said to her, “But Helen, why do you never wear your glasses when you are with Jim? He takes you to beautiful places in his car, but you do not see anything.”
"Well, Mother,” said Helen, “I look prettier to Jim when I am not wearing glasses and he looks better to me too!”
海倫的視力不是很好, 所以她通常都戴眼鏡。但17歲的時候, 她開始跟一個男孩外出約會, 約會的時候她從不戴眼鏡。每次男孩來到她家門口帶她出去, 她就把眼鏡摘掉, 等回家後男孩走了, 她再把眼鏡戴上。
一天, 她媽媽跟她說, “海倫, 為什麽你跟吉姆在一起的時侯從不戴眼鏡?他開車把你帶到美麗的地方去, 可是你卻什麽都看不見。”
“不過, 媽媽, ”海倫說, “我不戴眼鏡的時候吉姆就會覺得我更加美麗, 而且我也會覺得他更好看。”
5 教室裏太吵了 Too Much Noise in Class
It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused.
Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior.
"Now,” he said, "are there any question?”
One girl stood up timidly, “Please sir,” she asked, “May we have our teacher back?"
這是開學的第一天。校長在巡視的時候聽到一間教室特別地亂哄哄。他衝了進去, 挑出一個比其他孩子都高的男孩兒, 他似乎鬧得很凶。校長抓著這個男孩兒, 將他拽到大廳裏, 讓他待在那兒。
回到教室, 校長重整了課堂秩序, 又花半小時講了舉止得體的重要性。
“現在,”他說, “還有什麽問題嗎?”
一個女孩怯生生地站了起來, “對不起, 先生,”她問, “能讓我們的老師回來嗎?”
6 你會怎麽辦? What would you do?
Son： Mum, if someone broke your best vase what would you do?
Mum： I'd spank him and send him to bed without any supper!
Son： Well, you’d better get the slipper. Dad's just broken it!
兒子：媽媽，如果有人打碎了你最好的花瓶，你會怎麽辦?
媽媽：我要揍他，還不讓他吃晚飯就去睡覺!
兒子：好了，你準備好拖鞋吧，爸爸剛把那隻花瓶摔碎了。
(from internet)
有朋自遠方來,不亦樂乎.
點點周末快樂!
都不是我翻譯的~~~
喚喚,願你天天快樂!
家MM好! 我也覺得那個特好笑.那個老師該是看上去非常年輕:)
家MM,周末快樂!
圓圓好! 喜歡你開懷大笑:)
圓圓,周末快樂!
花生MM好! 瞧你這日子過得多滋潤啊,一邊看娃遊泳,一邊笑:)
花生MM,周末快樂!
小小好! 嗯,給寵物舉行葬禮的應該不少.
小小,周末快樂!
閑閑客好! Helen有點掩耳盜鈴~那男生真是無可救藥.
閑閑客, 周末快樂!
君子好!是啊,生活中還是多點幽默好.
君子,周末快樂!
哈哈,燕子點評精彩,個個擊中要害~
燕子,周末快樂!
問好鬆鬆，周末快樂！：））
今天再來，覺得耳目一新 - 生活中還是幽默多點好。
2, oh he drives everyone crazy!
3, the student is so hopeless!
4, perfect idea for the movie Shallow Hal, 情人眼裏出西施
5，what a fun teacher to have!
6, Dad is a bad boy!