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長夜漫漫，無心睡眠。5年感情就這樣放手嗎？過來人請指點！

來源: 灞橋煙柳 於 09-10-28 03:20:09

我以前用另一個ID，在跨壇挺活躍的。後來因為一些個人原因，變成潛水的。但是最近婚姻遇到了很大的困境， 不知道到底是維持還是走出來。請個位有經驗的姐妹指點。

我跟老公是網上認識的，以前跨壇剛開始的時候，我還寫過文章講我們的故事。其實很簡單，我跟ex分手後，經一個師姐建議，就到網上試著去交友。很快就認識了這個法國紳士。網上交流的不錯，網下見麵感覺也很好，除了年齡比我大一輪。我那時還是學生，感情經曆也很簡單。這個法國人形象，氣質，談吐，工作都不錯，除了有點發胖。我覺得我好像遇到了來解救我的白馬王子，他也覺得我跟他很適合，所以我們很快就結婚了，他也幫我用他的綠卡申請程序申請了綠卡。我那時在當時的學校，專業都過的很不開心，所以結婚後我就搬到他那裏，換了專業和學校。

今年我們結婚滿4年，過去的4年時間，我對美國生活，婚姻生活慢慢適應，也對新的專業越來越上手。我們大部分時間還是幸福的，可是我也漸漸發現他的一些問題。首先，他非常固執己見，如果是他認定的，就沒有回旋的餘地。隻有他是對的，別人都是錯的。其次，他有點controlfreak，無論做什麽事，我都應該在他身邊，但是他又不想跟我有什麽交流，嫌我話多。周末我們一般都在家裏，哪都不去，如果我的中國朋友請我們出去玩，或者去吃飯，他都不願意去，結果有時候我也不能去。
以前跨壇舉行的全家聚會，他都不要參加，說這種以婚姻中的種族為基礎的聚會，是宣揚種族主義。後來我也不太參加這種活動了。再次，他有法國人的大國沙文主義，雖然法國是個小國，可是他們好像自我感覺都挺良好，覺得她們的文化， 科技，社會製度都更進步。反正對中國的態度，他就說China isstill a third worldcountry。一點也不考慮我的感受，也不想想中國很多地方發展的比法國好。中國城市人的住房條件比法國一些人的還好。我的中國朋友他也都不喜歡，說他們英語不好，當著他的麵講漢語，是不尊重他的表現。

今年，我總算畢業，還在這麽差的經濟情況下找到了工作。按理說我們應該很高興才對，可是就最近這一個月，我們發生很多矛盾。我剛才跟他說了，我們去試一下marriage counseling。 他不願意去，說都是我的問題。下麵就是他給我的建議counseling的回信。法國人英語也不是太好，大家湊合著看。我也不怕家醜外揚了。

We don t need counseling, I need to considered your side, and you need to considered my side.

You keep dropping conversation with me to pick up calls from anybody,in my culture, this is very offending, and last Sunday, you totallydisappeared, doing strange sign to me that everybody around us waslooking at you, then, at me with the Expression, “What the F.ck” intheir face.



We are in USA here, you need to adapt to the basics of the culture.Here , when somebody call while you are in a discussion with yourhusband, they go after your husband, because your husband always havepriority.

When somebody call me while I am talking to you, I pick up and say “I will call you back later”.



It is not because I am strong and hard inside that I do not deserve thebasic respect. Then, after you make me mad, I have no excuse too, Butlast week end was over the top. You left me alone Saturday, and ignoredme Sunday morning in the starbucks. I just did to you, what you justdid to me there, and you got pissed off immediately, making my point.



You have to learn that I have feelings to, and if you don t respectthis, you can’t get well treated by somebody frustrated. You think I amtrying to dominate, but no, I am just asking the basics of a familyliving in USA, and you refuse to recognize that I know how a developedcountry family work, but I do! I am from one.



I am asking few thing, but you systematically refuse to acknowledge,for example, your medicine smell so bad, that after smelling this, Ican’t be in good mood, when it is the 1st thing I smell in the morning.I try not to do think that will make you feel bad, I don t put badFrench cheeses in the fridge, because I know Chinese people can’t standit. I pay attention to those, you never do, I have to take all the crapwithout complaining …

Well, I can’t anymore, you got to stop arguing and agree that something can’t be done in a mixed couple, as I did.



If I don’t hear about problems all the time, I will be much nicer, butthe constant comparison you make between you and other girls can’tcontinue , life is not a contest, we will never be happy if you don taccept that you are yourself, and not more than this, not less.

針對他的email， 我回了信。

From what you just said, I think we do need counseling.

1. I went out on Saturday with good reasons. I haven't practiced withmy friend S for a long time and he just invited me and two girl friendsto play piano and violin together. You said you'll be coding the wholeweekend and didn't want any interruptions. Saturday night was the biggroup dinner for the Hysta volunteers. I asked you to go with me, butyou refused. Does that mean if you don't want to go somewhere, I can'tgo either?

2. Sunday morning I went out to answer the phone, because the music wastoo loud in Starbucks and I could barely hear S. He was just asking howmy car is and if I still have sleeping problems. He's like an uncle tome, I can't just say I'll call you back and hang up. In my culture, wedon't simply hang up to a friend and a senior. That's a disrespect.According to you, China is a developing country and we don't haveproper manners.

3. I've had sleeping problems ever since coming back from France. Thesleeping pills American doctors gave me caused drowsiness in the dayeven when I was driving to work. Herbal medicine was my last hope.After you told me your feelings, I moved the pot out to the garage. Ican compromise in most cases, but I have my bottom line when it's aboutmy health.

4. When I compare myself with other girls, I was not complaining orwhining. It's just my way of setting up a goal or role model. Itreminds myself there's always someone better than me and I can alwaysimprove to a higher standard. It's just me and I was not trying to pissoff anyone or go to a competition. I grew up in a culture where parentsset up role models or high standards for their kids. The comparison Idid most time was not based on any sick or unnatural emotion. I'm anormal girl, just like other girls. I sometime compare myself withother girls to know how bad or good I am. I think many other girls dothat too. I didn't mean to offend you and didn't even expect anyresponse from you.

Based on above, I think we do have very different opinions aboutwhat happened to us. The culture difference and personality issues arebigger than we expected. I think you deserve someone better for you,someone from a developed country, not from an uncivilized developingcountry. As you mentioned yesterday, You'll talk to your lawyer. pleasedo and well protect your property. I tried for 4 years, but notsuccessful. you deserve someone better.

結果今天晚上他就說我利用了他。我說我現在有工作了，有收入了，我希望我在這個家庭也有控製力，發言權，不要什麽都以他為主。他有3輛車，還想再買一個超級跑車，要我用工資幫他。可是我自己開的是一輛94年的BMW，他從他同事那裏撿便宜買來的，上個周末就在朋友S家門口熄火了。昨天修的時候，修車部的人就說，你這個車跑太久了，有可能還會壞。我就說，那我要買輛新車，他聽了卻說，要先買他要的跑車！我就說，反正你也買不成。（因為他的信用紀錄太差，被銀行拒絕了loan）結果他就說，他再也受不了我的態度了，他要找律師談話！

今天晚上，他說一切矛盾都是因為我想甩開他，還說他所有的朋友都告訴他，我找到工作後一定會離開他。可是我根本就沒有這個意思，隻不過想對自己的收入，自己的生活更有控製一些。我不能再跟他象以前一樣，他的薪水再高，我們還是月光族。我希望把錢用在最需要的地方，比如refinance房子，還掉我的2萬的學生貸款。再給我買輛新車，還要存錢給將來生孩子做準備。可是他想的都是要買超級跑車，盡管自己被拒絕了，還是要再試。

過去的幾年裏，因為我還在上學，我父母在經濟上支援了我們很多，在我們差點失去這個房子的時候，他們借給我們很多錢，去放在downpayment裏，我們才有可能付的起那個利息超高的月付。可是當我跟他說，我媽明年首次要來看我，在我離家7年之後，他卻說，你媽媽在這裏最多能住3星期，時間長了我受不了！他哥哥每次來美國，都是隨便住隨便吃，我都得天天陪著出去玩，買東西，他還買很重的禮物或者給他哥哥錢，在我們也捉襟見肘的情況下。

還有一點，這個人超級邋遢。東西在家裏從來都是隨便放，他的書房更是沒有下腳的地方。每次說讓他打掃，他都說，別煩我別煩我，我忙著呢。我以前很好客的，經常請朋友到我的apt玩，自從跟他在一起之後，我都跟以前的朋友漸漸疏遠了，不好意思請別人來我們家。實在是太亂了！他的借口就是，他工作忙，要掙錢，打掃衛生不是他的priority，可是當我說我可以幫他打掃時，他總是不讓我碰他的東西。我在這個家的職責範圍，也就是周末洗洗廚房，廁所，洗洗衣服，整理臥室，其他的區域，好像都不屬於我。。。。。這是什麽， cleaning lady？

我從夏天開始，因為找不到工作，他給我的壓力也聽大的，整天睡不著。現在工作了，還是調解不過來，可是跟他一說，他就說，不明白為什麽還有人睡不著，那是你自己有問題！我嚐試中藥，他說那是巫術，而不顧我吃西藥副作用超級大的事實。

今晚我再次跟他說，我們應該去見marriage counseling，他還是不想去，說到後來，就說要去見他的律師，讓我周末搬出去。其實搬出去很容易，我也沒什麽東西。任何決定，一旦下了，就不能反悔。我就是在這裏征求大家的意見，我應該跟他服軟，繼續這樣的婚姻呢，還是應該就這樣放手？！

謝謝大家！