美國人在網上講述他們與性有關的難堪經曆(慎入) zt

　　有個網站：http://www.fmylife.com，是 my life的簡稱，也就是我們常說的【臥槽】，每件事後麵都跟著它的簡稱FML 。

　　這裏摘錄了一堆精華。不開心時看看別人是怎麽不開心的，你就會開心多了

　　Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdatewrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in withthe application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthdayon the wrong day for 16 years. FML

　　今天，我在郵箱裏收到了我的護照。他們把我的生日搞錯了。然後我找到了我一起送去申請護照的出生證明。結果我發現我的父母16年來一直在錯誤的一天給我過生日。FML

　　Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. Iwas wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to meand grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

　　今天，我在上課的時候睡覺。我的JJ石更了，而且我穿的是很寬鬆的褲子。我的老師走了過來一把抓住了我的JJ——她以為那是我手機。FML

　　Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dogaround the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see herleaving her room. my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

　　今天，我聽見了我的姐姐在她的房間裏麵ZW。為了逃出去，我帶著狗出去遛了遛。我回來的時候正巧碰見她出來，手裏拿的東西是——我的電動牙刷。FML

　　Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told methat when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me.I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML

　　今天，一個我認識了很久的很性感的女人跟我說，如果我能站著和她做，她就和我做。我殘疾坐輪椅。FML

　　Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about toorgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name'snot Brittany. That's his sister. FML

　　今天，我在和我的男朋友OOXX。當他要丟了的時候，他突然聲嘶力竭地大喊“太棒了Brittany！！”我的名字不是Brittany.Brittany是他的妹妹。FML

　　Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of apotential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' intogoogle, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virginboy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm ayoung guy. FML

　　今天，我老板叫我去他的辦公室，要給我看一個可能成為我們的商業夥伴的公司的網站。當他在穀歌裏麵打“Virginia”這個詞的時候，網站把他的搜索自動補完成了他最近才搜索過的詞條——“小處男的菊花”。我明天就要和他一起出差。我是個年輕男人。FML

　　Today, I asked my boyfriend to come over for dinner because I hadsome big news. He said he did too, and came over. After stuffing hisface full of food, he broke up with me and said he'd re-enlisted intothe marines, leaving in two weeks. I was going to tell him i'm 9 weekspregnant. FML

　　今天，我讓我男朋友來我家吃飯因為我有個大消息要告訴他。他說他也有個大消息要告訴我。在他吃得差不多的時候，他說要和我分手因為他兩個星期以後就要去海軍陸戰隊報道了。我準備告訴他我已經懷孕9個星期了。FML

　　Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have beentrying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell himthe news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with thenews, I saw him making out with a man. FML

　　今天，我發現我懷孕了。我已經和老公試了很長時間，所以我等不及要把這個好消息告訴他。當我推開他的辦公室的門準備給他一個驚喜時，我看到他和一個男的在親熱。FML

　　Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. AfterI told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

　　今天，我的女兒問我我是什麽時候破處的。當我告訴她是22歲時，她立馬大喊道：“我贏嘍！！”她今年才13。FML

　　Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated thathe was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

　　今天，我結婚9年的老公告訴我說他是搞基的。他甚至還暗示我說，他和我在一起的時候能硬起來，是因為我長得比較爺們。FML

　　Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddlyresembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doingshe said "I'm pretending to be mommy from last night." I was on abusiness trip last night. FML

　　今天，我發現我女兒在模仿很奇怪的、聽起來像我老婆在OOXX時發出的聲音。當我問她你在幹嘛的時候她說“我在學我媽咪昨晚的聲音”。我昨晚出差。FML

　　Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more withher friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where herfamily lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (whichwere very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on ahorse farm. FML

　　今天，我老婆要和我離婚因為她想和她的狐朋狗友們多玩一玩。一年前，我跟著她來到了她老家挪威。我離開了我的朋友，家庭和一份很好的工作，就是為了和她一起住。現在我TMD在一個馬場鏟馬糞。FML

　　Today, I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER.When I arrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attackwhile having sex. FML

　　今天，我接到一個電話說我的未婚夫被送進了急救室。當我趕到急救室的時候，他們告訴我說原因是他在和某人OOXX的時候心髒病發作了。FML

　　Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy.She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for herin the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medicalschool. FML

　　今天，我交往了三年的女友離開了我找了個新男友。她的理由是她需要找一個可靠的未來的經濟後盾。沒錯那個哥們確實是有一個賣手機的亭子。但是我就要在醫學院就讀了。FML

　　Today, my teacher demanded to talk to my dad because she thought hewasn't a good enough male role model because i'd misbehaved. i told herhe had died of cancer in 2005. She said that my lie was rude,disgraceful, and that i should be ashamed, then gave me a detention. Heactually did die. FML

　　今天，我老師要求和我爸談話因為她認為我爸沒給我起到一個好的榜樣作用。我告訴她我爸在05年就死於癌症。結果她說我的謊言很粗魯，沒人性，不害臊，然後把我留校了。我爸是真的死了。FML

　　Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I wasgoing through it, I realized that both my parents have the same lastname. So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are secondcousins. FML

　　今天，我有個做張家庭族譜的作業。當我在做的時候，我意識到我的父母的姓其實是一樣的。所以我去問他們這是不是個巧合，結果他們告訴我說他們實際上是表親關係。FML

　　Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into mymouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth.FML

　　今天，我咬了一下我男友的脖子。我感覺到什麽東西流到了我嘴裏。結果我發現我是把他脖子上的一個大痘子咬破了。掉進了我嘴裏。FML

　　Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went toStarbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking andhaving a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said,"soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

　　今天，我第一次和這個男生出去約會。我們去了星巴克，聊著天，很愉快。突然，他把他的手放到我肚子上說：“不久之後，這裏就會被我的種子灌滿”。FML

　　Today, I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleepingpills but I decided last minute not to take them. I woke up to myboyfriend kissing my neck and unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening myeyes, I whispered "ooh this is so romantic." He blurted out shocked,"Oh.you're awake?!" FML

　　今天，我打算打個盹。我男朋友給了我一些安眠藥但是我最後沒決定吃。我迷迷糊糊地醒來的時候發現他在親我的脖子，解開我的襯衫。我閉著眼睛低語道：“嗯……真是浪漫。”他震驚道：“啊。你醒著呢？！”FML

　　Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after meand sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head wason my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up beforemy stop came. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30minutes. FML

　　今天，我做公車去上班，後來旁邊坐著個慈祥的老奶奶。公車到一半的時候，她睡著了，腦袋枕在了我的肩膀上。為了做個好青年，我在我的車站到之前才輕輕地打算弄醒她。實際上，這一路上她根本沒在睡覺。也就是說，我讓一個死人在我身上躺了30分鍾。FML

　　Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand newgrand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents werehaving sex. On my piano. FML

　　今天，我以為我聽到了我的小妹妹在玩我的新的大鋼琴。我十分生氣，跑下樓去製止她。結果我發現聲音的來源是我父母在我的新鋼琴上OOXX。FML

　　Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

　　今天，我給我男友發短信說：“Hi”。他的回複是：“我把你最好的朋友肚子搞大了”。FML

　　Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past yearresearching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set anautocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't noticeuntil after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML

　　今天，我上交了我的博士論文，我花了半年的時間做調查來寫這篇論文。昨晚，我的室友在微軟WORD裏麵的“自動更正”裏麵把“也不是(neither)”這個詞全改成了“黑鬼(nigger)”。我一直到交了論文以後才發現。更糟糕的是我的教授就是個黑人。FML

　　Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done,I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his faceand said 'Now, do me'. FML

　　今天，我男友和我決定試試X菊花。當他結束了以後，我轉過身來，發現他麵帶微笑地拿著一個綁在腰帶上的橡膠JJ，對我說：“現在來X我。”FML

　　Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML

　　今天，為了給我哥們慶祝生日我們第一次來到了脫衣舞俱樂部。我也發現了我的女友的工作是什麽。FML

　　Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can'thave sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the followingtwo weeks are my honey moon. FML

　　今天，我發現因為我的血壓太高，我一個月都不能OOXX。我的婚禮是下個星期，然後接下來的兩個星期是蜜月。FML

　　Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up athis nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowlymove away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snotto fall right into my mouth. FML

　　今天，我去牙醫那裏洗牙。我抬頭看著他，發現有鼻涕往他的嘴唇上滴。我試圖慢慢地挪開，他告訴我“別動！”結果他說話的動作導致那大塊鼻涕徑直掉進了我嘴裏。FML

　　Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of thebaby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me withwhen I became pregnant. I'm going to be the maid of honor, 8 monthspregnant with his child, at their wedding. FML

　　今天，我發現我已經懷孕三個多月了。孩子他爸現在已經和我最好的朋友訂婚，在我懷孕的時候他一直和她有一腿。我將會是他們婚禮上懷著新郎的孩子8個月的伴娘。FML

　　Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. Theychecked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid gettingscolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they couldmake love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to mefor 20 minutes. FML

　　今天，我和我的祖父母睡在一個屋子裏麵。他們先是來確認我睡沒睡著。為了不被責怪成熬夜，我就假裝睡著了。結果，他們是想要OOXX，所以才來確認我是不是睡了的。我親眼目睹了兩個70歲老頭老太太在我旁邊的床上OOXX的情形。FML

　　Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurantmanager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, hispatrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man usingthe women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am anaturally-born female. FML

　　今天，我在外麵吃飯的時候，飯店經理來找我談話。他說雖然他很尊重我的個人選擇，但是他的顧客們對於一個“曾經是男人”的女人用女衛生間感到非常不舒服。也就是說，他們以為我是個變性人。而我是個天生的女人。FML

　　Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in oneand was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejectedthe tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've toldme I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my ownconception. FML

　　今天，我在翻看我父母的舊的家庭錄像。我把其中一個放進了錄像機，驚恐地發現那裏錄著我的父母在做愛做的事。我立刻彈出了錄像帶並且看了看那上麵的標簽。上麵寫著：“百慕大，1989”。他們曾經告訴我說我就是在那個時候的百慕大群島上被懷上的。我看到了自己被懷上的情形。FML

　　Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to forour first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, Iphoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His BobMarley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

　　今天，我自己一人來到了我和我男友第一次約會的地方：一個孤僻的山上。我注意到有另一對情侶藏在灌木叢中親熱。於是我打電話給我男友，想要告訴他說有人找到了屬於我們的秘密幽會地點。然後我就聽到了我男友手機的Bob Marley的彩鈴聲從那堆灌木裏飄來。FML

　　Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things gotheated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and thenext thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bustwhen she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe inJesus?" FML

　　今天，我和一個女孩在我公寓裏麵打發時間……然後我們都來了感覺，就開始親熱。一步接著一步，然後我知道她要準備給我KJ。我正做好爽的準備，她突然停了下來，抬起頭來望著我的眼睛說……“你信耶穌嗎？”FML

　　Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room doorfor a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the dooropen and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open,kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for lastnight", and leaves. FML

　　今天，我被我老爸突然造訪我宿舍的敲門聲所吵醒。我把門打開對著在門外的他打招呼，這時候我的室友脫光了衣服拉開了門，親了我的臉頰，用一種超級搞基的聲音說“昨晚你真棒”以後跑了。FML

　　Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to comeout of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swingingher hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, shetrips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catchherself. FML

　　今天，我光著身子站在床邊，等著我老婆從浴室裏麵出來。她打開了浴室的門走向我，扭動著她的腰，什麽都沒穿。當她離我有四英尺的時候，她在地板墊上跌了一跤，而且用了我的JJ來穩住身形。FML

　　Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parentshaving sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for agood long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off theheadphones just in time to hear them finish. FML

　　今天，我躺在床上試圖睡著，可是就在此時我聽見了我父母在OX。所以我戴上了耳機聽音樂。聽了好長好長一段時間之後，我想他們應該已經完事了，所以我摘下了耳機。結果我剛好趕上他們結束那一段。FML

　　Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

　　今天，我老板發了條短信把我炒了魷魚。我沒給手機申請短信包月。也就是說我花了25美分來被炒。FML

　　Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friendexplaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulledover in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explainedwhat happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone whiledriving. FML

　　今天，我在高速上開車的時候接到了一個電話，得知了我兩個最好朋友因交通事故而死。我歇斯底裏地把車快速在道邊停下，然後過來一個交警問我怎麽了。我解釋了一切，結果他給了我一張罰單，說是因為我在開車的同時使用手機。FML

　　Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When wegot there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii gamearrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML

　　今天，我男友和我決定在他的家裏OOXX。我們到了以後，他先去看信箱裏麵有沒有信，然後就發現他訂購的Wii的遊戲到貨了。他把我送回了家因為他更想玩遊戲。FML

　　Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military.They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

　　今天，我拜托我父母幫我報名加入軍隊。結果他們問我的是如果我死了，政府能補貼多少錢。FML

　　Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years withflowers and dinner at her apartment. After i knocked, a handsome youngman answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologizedonly to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background: "Baby,who's there?" FML

　　今天，拿著鮮花和晚餐，打算給我認識了兩年的女友一個驚喜。我敲了敲她公寓的們——然後一個英俊的年輕男人打開了門。我以為我敲錯了門，道了歉轉身準備離開的時候，我聽到了我女朋友的聲音——“寶貝，門口的是誰？”FML

　　Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when Iwalked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When hesaw me he simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th. FML

　　今天，我打算給我上大學的男友一個驚喜。我走進了他的宿舍，發現他和另一個女的躺在床上。他看見了我，說了句：“愚人節快樂！”那天是3月19號。FML

　　Today, my friends approached me and accused me of being anorexiccause i've dropped a lot of weight lately. I swore to them that iwasn't anorexic. They jokingly asked "Do you have cancer or something?"All i could do was stare at my feet. That wasn't exactly how i wantedthem to find out. FML

　　今天，我的朋友懷疑我得了厭食症因為我最近掉了很多秤。我對他們發誓說我沒得厭食症。他們開玩笑說：“那你是得了癌症什麽的嗎？”我除了盯著我的腳不知道以外不知道該如何反應——我並沒指望他們以這種形式發現我得了癌症。FML

　　Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she startedcrying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, shereplied. "I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. WhileI was inside her. FML

　　今天，我在用手指X女友。她在高潮頂點的時候突然哭了起來。我問她發生了什麽事，她回答說：“我——我——我——我想他！！”她是為了她的前男友在哭。我當時還在她體內。FML

　　Today, I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I'm gay.When I was typing the email address in the "to:" field, itautocorrected the address to my mother. She just responded: "you filthyfaggot". FML

　　今天，我發了封郵件給我最好的朋友，告訴他我是同誌。當我在輸入“發送到：”那一欄的時候，係統給我自動更正成了我媽的郵件地址。她隻回複了一句：“你這肮髒的蛆蟲。”FML

　　Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and hewasn't. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was jokingaround and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML

　　今天，我男友和我決定做愛做的事。我是CN，他不是。30秒以後，他倒在了我的身上。我以為他在開玩笑，就笑了幾聲。他沒在開玩笑。他幹完了。FML

　　Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. Myboyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. Hepublicly pulled out my tampon. FML

　　今天，我衛生棉在我的泳裝旁邊露出了一點點。我男友以為那是我比基尼多餘的線頭。於是乎他在大庭廣眾之下把我的衛生棉拉了出來。FML

　　Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in themood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U gotfingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML

　　今天，我給我6個月的男友發了條短信說我很想要，而且我躺在床上光著身子。他回了封信說：“你長了手指頭，用它們，我去睡覺了親愛的”。FML

　　Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After whatseemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then pausedand asked me, "what do I do now?" FML

　　今天，我男友和我第一次OOXX。在等待了非常長的一段時間之後，他終於進來了。這時他停了下來，問道——“好了，現在我該怎麽辦？”FML

　　Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for awedding in June. It's my mom's 4th wedding. I'm getting replaced by ourdog. FML

　　今天，我接到電話說我不再是6月份婚禮的伴娘了。那婚禮是我媽的第四次婚禮。當她伴娘的將會是我家的狗。FML

　　Today, I opened my mail to find my Brown acceptance letter. Excited,I showed my dad who just laughed and said 'what, it's not like it'sHarvard'. No one in my family has ever gone to college. My dad didn'teven graduate from high school. FML

　　今天，我打開了郵箱發現我被布朗大學（美國常春藤盟校之一）錄取了。我興奮地告訴了我爸，他笑笑說：“啥啊，又不是哈佛。”我家裏人除了我沒人上過大學。我爸甚至高中都沒畢業。FML

　　Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, notknowing I could hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says."I'm finally going to tell her I love her!" I got really excited,deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, "Awesome! But whatabout Kayla?" I'm Kayla. FML

　　今天，我聽到了我交往3個月的男友和他的朋友聊天，它們不知道我能聽到他們。“就是今晚了”，我男友說，“我要告訴她，我愛她！！”我非常興奮，感覺我也非常愛他。然後他的朋友就說：“太好了。可是，凱拉怎麽辦？”我就是凱拉。FML

　　Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The firstone was my fiancee, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one wasmy best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with myfiancee for the past three months. The third was the dentist's officesinging me a happy birthday. FML

　　今天是我生日。我一整天隻接到三個電話。第一個是我的未婚夫，說他要把訂婚戒指拿回去。第二個是我最好的朋友，向我坦白說過去三個月來她一直和我的未婚夫行為不軌。第三個是我牙醫的辦公室，給我唱《祝你生日快樂》。FML

　　Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. Ifound my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a noteon my windshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson. Don't f*** withme." I'm Tyler, Jackson is my co-worker. FML

　　今天，下班以後，我去停車場準備開車回家。我發現我的車的門被劃傷得很厲害，我所有的車胎都被紮了。擋風玻璃上留著一張字條寫著：“草NM，傑克遜。別耍老子。”我是泰勒。傑克遜是我同事。FML

　　Today, I came home to find my mum on the phone to the doctor. Whenshe hung up I asked what had happened. She said they found a sexuallytransmitted disease in my bloodtest, and then she began to call me aslut. I'm 14, and am still a virgin. After 5 mins of crying, she tellsme she was joking. FML

　　今天，我回到家，我媽在給醫生掛電話。我問她怎麽了。她說醫生在我的血檢裏麵發現了一種性病，然後她說我是個婊子。我14歲而且還是處。大哭了5分鍾以後，她告訴我說她隻是在開玩笑。FML

　　Today, my son looked out of the window and said "what's that piece ofshit doing on our driveway?" It was the new car we were trying tosurprise him with on his 16th birthday. FML

　　今天，我兒子望向窗戶以外問道：“在車庫門前停著的那坨垃圾是毛？”那是我打算送給他的，他16歲生日的新車。FML

　　Today, a 7 year old girl randomly came up to me and told me to f***myself. I told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents.Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard this conversation, shecame up to me and told me to f*** myself as well. FML

　　今天，一個7歲的陌生小女孩突然走向我，跟我說“滾泥馬。”我告訴她注意自己的口氣，否則我就告訴她父母。她媽媽就在附近，而且她恰好聽到了了我們的對話。於是她突然走向了也我跟我說了句“滾泥馬”。FML

　　Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sextoday. His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't knowwhat that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I foundout he's talking about a new Pokemon game. FML

　　今天，我發短信給我的男友，問他到底想不想今天來親熱。他的回複是“不行，白金今天出。”我一開始沒聽懂，於是我去搜索了一下“白金，2009年3月22號”。結果我發現他是在說最新的口袋妖怪遊戲。FML

　　Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 yearsold. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh andapologized. FML

　　今天，我人生的第一次——讓一個女人看到了我的JJ。我30了。那女的是我的醫生。她打了個鼾來蓋住她的大笑聲，然後道了道歉。FML

　　Today, I turned 18. Nothing was said at breakfast, but I figuredthey'd remember and we'd have cake at night. I came home and there wascake, but not for me. My sister got her period for the first timeduring the day and they were celebrating. Apparently, a vaginaldischarge was more important. FML

　　今天，我18歲了。早餐的時候沒人吱一聲，但是我想他們會記住，晚上我就有蛋糕吃了。我晚上回家看到了一個蛋糕——但是不是給我的。他們是在慶祝我的妹妹第一次月經來潮。很明顯，他們認為一次生理反應比我的18歲生日更重要。FML

　　Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room ishalf the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my stepmom's walk-in closet. FML

　　今天，我看到了我家新房子的圖紙。我的屋子是旁邊那個屋子大小的一半。“那個屋子”是我繼母的大衣櫥。FML

　　Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. Idecided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouthwide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriendtrying to put his penis in my mouth. FML

　　今天，我感覺有點病了，呼吸很不舒暢。我決定打個盹，嘴巴大張著因為呼吸很困難。我醒來的時候，發現我男友試圖把他的那個放到我嘴裏。FML

　　Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumpedoff of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. Heshouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML

　　今天，我在和我男朋友OOXX。突然，他從我身上跳下來，大喊：“該死，該死！”我很著急，問他怎麽了。他大吼：“我忘了設定TiVO了！”（一種電視錄像裝置）. FML

　　Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. Iaccidently drove past their house the first time, but saw the wholefamily outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud.The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML

　　今天，我第一次去看我女朋友的父母。我第一次不小心開過頭了，但是看到了他們全家在外麵等我。我調了個頭，然後就聽到了砰的一聲。他們全家的人看著我壓扁了他們的狗。FML

　　Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when shegets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiance that Iknew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was stillinside of her. FML

　　今天，我在和我交往了9個月的女友OOXX。有人給她打電話，她決定去接。給她打電話的是她的未婚夫——我完全不知道有這號人。她在我還在她的體內的時候說：她訂婚了。FML

　　Today, I found out I won a 20 000 or 30 000 dollar scholarship. Aftercelebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour,we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name.When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she hadreceived my rejection letter. FML

　　今天，我發現我贏了份20000 - 30000的獎學金。在屋裏和我家人跳上跳下慶祝了半個小時以後，我們才意識到這信是寄給另一個和我們姓一樣的人的。我們和她聯係上以後，她說這事真是奇怪，因為她收到的是我的拒信。FML

　　Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were goingto have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw thatevery single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note ontop of the box: "love mom." FML

　　今天，我想拿個套套因為我的男友和我打算第一次OX。當我打開抽屜時，我看到每個套套都被一個耶穌形象的別針紮破了。盒子上麵有個字條：“愛你的媽媽。”FML

　　Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razorbecause he wanted to "surprise mom later". Anxious to see him withouthis life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later heexited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML

　　今天，我老爹問我借電動剃須刀因為他想要“給我媽一個驚喜”。我非常想看他把他留了幾乎一輩子的大胡子剃掉，於是我很高興地答應了他。半個小時以後，他從洗手間出來了。胡子還是好好的。FML

　　Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML

　　今天，我父母因為我“說了句髒話”而懲罰我用肥皂洗嘴。我都快19了。我說了句“靠”。FML

　　Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I wassitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my facecoming through the open window. I then realized it wasn't raining, butthe girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it wascoming back in through my window. FML

　　今天，我坐在公車上去聯誼會。我坐在公車第5排，感覺到有雨點從窗外飄進來。然後我意識到那不是雨點，而是第1排有個女的吐了，她吐到窗外的東西從我的窗戶飛了進來。FML

　　Today, my parents won't stop bragging about how my sister is datingthe captain of her high school football team. I just got accepted tolaw school. FML

　　今天，我父母不停地吹噓說我妹妹正在和學校美式足球隊隊長約會。我剛剛被法學院錄取。FML

　　Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to seethat they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames.FML

　　今天，我們要從學校拿畢業紀念冊。我翻到了我的簡曆那一頁，發現他們把我的名拚錯了。我的名是James（詹姆斯）。他們拚成了Lames（爛透的）。FML

　　Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the firsttime. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I waswashing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water.Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head.FML

　　今天，我第一次和我的新男友一起淋浴。昨天晚上是我們一起度過的第一晚。我在洗頭的時候，我向下看去，注意到了有“黃水”。也就是說，我的腳一開始感覺到的溫暖的水不是從噴頭裏出來的。FML

　　Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the policesaying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife andI were having sex. FML

　　今天，我被逮捕了，因為我6歲的兒子打電話叫警察，說我把我的妻子打得哭了。我和我老婆當時在OOXX。FML

　　Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a newmountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried itquietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say "Ohman, you're gonna make me cum" to the nice girl he was on top of. Hejust turned 14. FML

　　今天，我提前下班回家，買了輛新的山地車來給他個生日驚喜。為了讓他吃一驚，我躡手躡腳地來到了他的房門前。我一開門就聽到他對他壓在身下的女孩說：“哦，天哪，我要S了。”他才剛14。FML

　　Today, I went to get a sports physical at a hospital. My nurse wasmorbidly obese and unattractive. She told me she would go through thetests listed on the sheet. She did everything, including feeling mygenitalia. When it was done, I read over the sheet. Genitalia wasn't atest listed. FML

　　今天，我去醫院做運動體檢。我的護士肥的要死而且非常難看。她說她會檢查所有單子上寫的部分。她做了一切她能做的，甚至包括檢查我的JJ部分。體檢結束以後，我看了看那張單子。裏麵沒有生育器官檢查。FML

　　Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my p***stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file.Thinking that a virus 軟妹子 d everything, I was thankful my favouritefile remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling menot to masturbate. FML

　　今天，我打開電腦查看我的AV收藏。但是，文件夾除了“我的最愛”文檔以外全都空了。我以為是病毒刪了所有的東西，但是很慶幸“我的最愛”文檔沒被刪。我打開了以後，看到裏麵是一個我父母的錄像教育我說“SY是不對滴”。FML

　　Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of theladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and startedscreaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are allequal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too,and they were hot. FML

　　今天，我看到了一對女同性戀在購物中心裏逛。其中一個在繁忙的過道裏走向我，然後開始大喊盯著她們是怎麽怎麽地粗魯，還有不管性取向如何所有的人都應該是平等的。我盯著她們的原因是我也是搞百合的，而且我覺得她們很靚。FML

　　Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passengerin the car in front of me threw something out the window. The objectflew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. Aused condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you'redriving fast. FML

　　今天，大概晚上十點多我在道上開車。我前麵車裏的乘客向窗外扔了什麽東西。拿東西徑直打在了我的擋風玻璃上。那是個套套。用過的套套。而且用完沒係。JY在你開快車的時候散開得很快。FML

　　Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess hisaddiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML

　　今天，我搭我新男友的車。他有“很重要的事”要告訴我。然後他多愁善感地向我講述了他如何對SY上癮。細節具體生動。行程是兩個小時。FML

　　Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flatare. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next doorsay my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbatingrigorously. FML

　　今天，我才發現我的新學生宿舍的牆，是多麽的薄。它們如此之薄，以至於我能聽到我隔壁那個惡心的哥們一邊一遍又一遍地念叨著我的名字，一邊大力SY的聲音。FML

　　Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokinglyblocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6.After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy callsyou that when you're not around." FML

　　今天，我在和我的小弟弟打籃球。在開玩笑般地阻擋了他一下之後，他轉過來跟我說“你TM的婊子。”他才6歲。我問他他是在哪裏聽到這個詞的，他回答說：“爹地在你不在的時候這樣叫你。”FML

　　Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriendhe could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get outof bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. Hisfriends needed him. FML

　　今天，我裸身躺在床上，被蒙上了眼罩。我告訴我的男友他把我怎樣都行。30分鍾以後，我下了床發現他在電腦室打魔獸。他隊友需要他。FML

　　Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, Inoticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. The playwas Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearingwas a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during thecrucifixion. FML

　　今天，我在學校表演戲劇。在我的獨角戲閃亮登場之前，我注意到了有幾個女孩在後台換衣服——於是我小弟弟high了。那場戲是《耶穌基督超級巨星》，我就是演耶穌的。我身上隻穿幾塊布。於是乎，所有觀眾都看到了：耶穌在被釘上十字架的時候可恥地硬了。FML

　　Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroomto mine is the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I haveto throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walkin on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up allover their bed. FML

　　今天我在家睡覺因為我生病了。離我最近的廁所是在我父母的房間。我有點想吐所以我就起來了，我跑到我父母房間的廁所裏，然後看到他們在OOXX。大吃一驚，吐了他們一床……

　　Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped andshe went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided tocheck if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML

　　今天我在和一個剛認識的女孩OOXX，大約5分鍾之後，她說她想上廁所，所以我們被迫停止。大概等了10分鍾，我決定進去看看她怎麽樣了。進去一看，窗戶是開著的，她逃走了。臥槽= =

　　Today, as I was bagging groceries at Dominicks, I looked down to seea 6 year old urinating on my shoes and the floor next to me. I told hismother that he should take her kid to the restroom, only to be told to"mind my own god damned business." I was later fired for arguing withthe customer. FML

　　今天我在多米尼克雜貨店幫顧客裝袋，向下一看，我擦，一個6歲小孩在我鞋上撒尿。我告訴他媽應該帶她的小孩去廁所小便，我唯一得到的回應是：管好你自己的吊事。接著我就以“和顧客發生糾紛”被開除。臥槽！

　　Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl camein, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's acute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to meand said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone withher." FML

　　今天，當一個正妹進電梯的時候電梯裏隻有我一個，當時她正在打電話。她和她朋友說：“我得掛了，電梯裏有個帥哥~~”在我有任何反應之前她說：“對不起，我撒謊了，我隻是真的很想把那個電話結束”臥槽= =！！

　　Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love whenhe breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips amillimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smelllike my grandmother's house." FML

　　今天，我在和我男友OOXX，他很清楚我喜歡他在我脖子上喘氣、呼吸的感覺。當我快要丟的時候他把他的嘴唇放在離我脖子/耳朵1毫米的地方，說：“我喜歡的你那聞起來像我祖母房子的味道~~”，臥槽！

　　Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off of the $1.00 menuto save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital withfood-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking,having tests, and an bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended upcosting me $24,000 in bills. Really. FML

　　今天我去快餐店點了一份一元餐想要省錢。五個小時之後我因為食物中毒被送到醫院。在一天的禁食、排泄、冒頂、考試、掛了一堆水之後，我那$1的漢堡花費了我$24000，真的！！臥槽……

　　Today, one of the psych patients I work with on a locked unit lookedinto my eyes and told me lovingly that I reminded him of his sister.The sister he killed after he raped her. FML

　　今天，一個和我一起工作的精極度緊張患者在一個被鎖的房間裏看著我的眼睛、深情的說：你讓我想起了我的妹妹。（那個被他被他先X後殺的妹妹）。臥槽！！

　　Today, I called my fiance and found out she is 9 weeks pregnant. Ihad been in Iraq for over 6 months. I also found out her and her newboyfriend already spent most of my $30,000 re-enlistment bonus on a newcar and a trip to Las Vegas. FML

　　今天我打電話給我的未婚妻並發現她已經有了9個月身孕。我在伊拉克帶了將近6個月……我還發現她和她的新男友把我那30000美金的入伍撫恤金花的差不多了——買了輛新車、去拉斯維加斯度假。臥槽！

　　Today, there are two restaurants gang fights, and other unrelated people are gone, only I did not move, watching them smile.

　　I feel very cool.

　　Suddenly,FML

　　今天,餐館有兩夥人打架，其他無關的人都跑掉了，隻有我沒有動，微笑的看著他們。

　　我覺得自己非常酷。

　　突然有一個人指著我說：打他們老大！我剛要說我不是，一個酒瓶子就把我頭打開了花。然後幾個人過來揣我。另一夥看他們在打不認識的人竟然也不幫忙。

　　我快被打半死時警C來了，還把我當成主犯拉回去審訊。剛才才被家長領回家。

　　我現在悟出了一個非常深刻的道理，就是：沒實力，千萬別裝B!

　　Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I tookoff my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML

　　今天，我第一次和自己真正喜歡的人OOXX。我把我的上衣的乳支撐器脫掉，他說：“我擦，這太令人失望了。”擦

　　Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML

　　應該是

　　今天，我女友甩了我跟別人了。就在一個小時前，我才從她老爹那裏得到求婚許可。FML

　　Today I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The firstI'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone todinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver, they dranktoo much and on the way home hooked up in the back seat. FML

　　今天我和倆我感興趣的男生泡吧。第一個是我這個學期一直想約的人，第二個是和我吃過一次飯、看起來還不錯的男生。我被指定為司機，他們喝的是在是太多了，然後他們倆就在後座上勾搭上了……汗

　　Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politelyapologized and told him I had none, he yelled angrily "who comes tothis city without money?" I replied "apparently, you do." Wrong answer.He followed me, now screaming. FM

　　今天一個流浪漢向我要硬幣我沒給他，告訴他我身上沒有，他非常生氣的向我吼道：沒錢誰TM來這個城市啊？ 我回答 “很明顯，你就是” 這個答案顯然不對，他跟在我身後一直尖叫 FML

　　Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my fewrelationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and Isaid, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental,defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well,at least you're honest." FML

　　今天我和老媽感慨事實上和我發生過關係的男的都不超過2個月，她問我為什麽，我回答：因為我偏激，強勢，保守，還有頑固。為了鼓勵我，她說 至少你還是誠實的 FML

　　Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playingsoccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily Icatch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go getit." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML

　　今天我在一個公園裏散步，看到一群孩子在踢球， 其中一個把球踢向了我，很幸運的是我把球接到了。 然後我把球丟下踢回去喊到：“接好了” 球打到了一顆書上彈回來，命中我的臉 FML

　　Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped inwith me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's handunexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in thebottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML

　　今天我在洗澡的時候，男朋友忽然跳了進來，我們有一點點小興奮地時候 老媽的手穿過了簾子 把套套丟在了浴池裏，說：注意安全啊孩子們 FML

　　Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my軟妹子s. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the 軟妹子 s aresafe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted tosee in my life. FML

　　今天我在廚房裏安裝好了攝像頭想看看誰偷了我的餅幹， 結果我看到了老媽和她的男朋友，好消息是餅幹很安全，壞消息是 我看了一些我這輩子都不想看到的事 FML

　　Today, after my girlfriend of 2 years left me for another guy, I got stuck in an elevator for 3 hours. With both of them. FML

　　今天和我相處2年的女朋友離開了我和另一個男人好了， 然後我在電梯裏麵卡了3小時，和他們2個一起 FML

　　Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless manpressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutesinto the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at everysingle bump and turn of the train. FML

　　今天，卡爾加裏輕軌車廂擠滿了人；我旁邊的一個流浪漢被擠得死死地頂著我。他專注地盯著我看，上車兩分鍾以後他就硬了=_=——於是乎車廂每次顛簸和轉彎的時候，那東西都在摩擦著我。FML

　　Today, I was leaving to go over to a friend's and my parents suddenlyask if I'm gay. I reply that no, I'm bisexual. My mom then asks if I'veever made out with someone of the same sex and I say yes. She turns tomy dad and says 'I told you so. You owe me $20'. My parents bet on mysexuality. FML

　　今天，我正準備出門去朋友家，我父母突然問我是不是搞基的。我回答不是，澄清說我是雙性戀。我媽又問我曾經是否和一個同性別的人親熱過，我回答是。然後她就跟我爸說：“看，我跟你說過了吧。你欠我20塊。”我父母拿我的性取向打賭。FML

　　Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend gettingdressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said"I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Rayis my new step dad. FML

　　今天，我在我的小弟弟偷看我朋友在衛生間換衣服的時候把他抓了個正著。我問他他在幹嘛，他回答說：“雷(Ray)在你去衛生間的時候就這麽做，我隻是在學他罷了。”雷是我的新繼父。FML

　　Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back tomy place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I wason top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up herwrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn'twearing a watch. FML

　　今天，我和一個我很喜歡的女孩出門去玩，然後我們晚上一起回到了我家。我們之間十分來電，於是最後OOXX了……男上女下。我非常之投入，可是在半途的時候她突然舉起手腕說：“啊，看看都幾點了。我得回家了。”她當時根本沒戴表。FML

　　Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the tenminutes to the office, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunityto share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. In greatdetail. FML

　　今天，我上班要遲到了，所以我沒去走那十分鍾的路程而是打了輛出租車。這司機抓住這一大好時機，向我講述了他第一次和男人OOXX的故事。具體而又生動。FML

　　Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car,a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round thelast corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As Ilooked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

　　今天，我得從我的辦公室走到我停車的地方，距離大概有三個街區遠。在我準備轉過最後一個街角時，一輛車超速駛來，我不得不趕緊跳到一邊。我抬頭的時候發現了——那車是我的。FML

　　Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, thentold me I'd get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked andblindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, "I want my prize onthe kitchen table!" It was her mom who'd just got back from work. FML

　　今天，我女友決定把我扒光並把我眼睛蒙上，然後告訴我說如果我抓住她就獎勵我。於是我就蒙著眼睛，啥也沒穿地四處瞎跑一直到我抓住了她。我大喊：“在廚房桌子上把我的獎勵給我吧！”MLGB的我抓住的是她剛下班的媽媽。FML

　　Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped mymom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay offschool loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to getnothing because I was gay. The executor read it out loud. My mom wasthe only one who knew. FML

　　今天，我媽的遺囑被宣告給了全家人。我在幾年前幫助我媽寫的；我會得到一筆資金來付助學貸款。她自己把遺囑給改了，注明說我啥也得不到因為我搞基。遺囑執行人把這段大聲朗讀了出來。本來隻有我媽一個人知道的。FML

　　Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marryhim doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML

　　今天，我發現就算你的男友向你求婚，也不意味著他婚禮的時候就一定能來。FML

　　Today, my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so manydifferent size of penises. She also told me that since she's doinghormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stopand go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned itoff and talked more. FML

　　今天，我媽跟我說各種JJ有不同的大小，真是有趣。她也跟我說因為她一直在做荷爾蒙療法，她能夠體驗的高潮比以往多多了。我們堵車堵了3個小時。當我打開收音機的時候，她把收音機關了，接著講。FML

　　Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so Iwoke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to doanything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me abowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML

　　今天，是我的男友第一次來我家過夜。他硬了，我就在他的耳邊耳語把他叫醒：“如果你現在讓我做什麽都行，你想要我做什麽呢？”他的回答，“你能給我碗薄荷巧克力屑冰淇淋嗎？”他想冰淇淋想到硬。FML

　　Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "Whatare you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I gotdressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe."FML

　　今天，我男友和我在他的家裏OOXX。大概30分鍾後，他的媽媽回家了，敲他的房門問道：“你在幹啥？”想著也許我有偷偷溜出去的可能，我躡手躡腳地穿起了衣服。結果這時我的男友就回答：“佐伊。我在幹佐伊。”FML

　　Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving inMaryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I havenever been to Maryland. FML

　　今天，一張“在馬裏蘭醉酒駕駛”的200美金的罰單被寄給了我。我從來都沒因醉酒駕駛而被抓而且我壓根就沒去過馬裏蘭。FML

　　Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about anhour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me hisphoto. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shotpaintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML

　　今天，我醒來以後發現我的狗丟了。我花了將近一個小時去找它，直到我那腦子有點問題的前女友發了張它的照片給我。她把它綁架了。開車到那裏以後，她用油漆彈朝我的車開槍。現在我不僅沒狗，還多了輛五彩斑斕的車。FML

　　Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top fivewomen to have sex with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML

　　今天，我問了交往了將近十個月的男友，他最希望和哪五個女人OOXX。我排第三。我媽排第二。FML

　　Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed toget into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and thenproceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML

　　今天，我的貓和我一起在浴室裏。我脫了衣服準備衝個澡。貓在我脫光了衣服以後看了看我，然後就在小毯上吐得到處都是。FML