這兩天,我基本沒有上網,專心致誌地改我的故事。幾周前,我將我的兒童詩I am Mei Ling放到www.critiquecircle.com網站上去,讓一些寫作愛好者來提意見。有個意見引起了我的注意,它指出我的詩的rhythm(音節)不配合的問題。
以前,我一直將注意力放在rhyme(壓韻)上,沒有考慮過音節的問題。我的詩很長,在保證故事的完整性的前提下,若考慮壓韻同時再考慮音節的統一就太難了。為此,我曾請教我女兒的老師,他說,他說不好這個問題,他自己覺得音節並不是特別重要,但是如果音節差得很遠,小孩念起來可能就念不順暢。
就音節的問題,我考慮了好多天。要保持音節的一致性很難,難度和壓韻也差不了太多。我一度都有些灰心了,覺得寫英文的兒童詩太難了。兩天前,我終於痛下決心,嚐試性地改改,從Love That Cat改起。
兩天裏,一有時間我就坐在計算機前仔細地考慮修改,每天工作時間都在12個小時以上。親愛的朋友,我可以高興告訴你,83個verse的Love That Cat我已經基本改完了。雖然我不能做到去全詩有相同數目的音節,但我做到了大多數verse,它們的四個句子有相同數目的音節,或僅相差為一。從前有一些verse為了壓韻,意思不很準確或句子倒裝,這次,我也一並進行了修改。
I am Mei Ling,我也改了一些。
高興啊高興。從前,我想想都怕、遲遲不敢幹的事我發現真正地踏實地坐下來幹,也不是太困難。
我還有2000個verse要一個個地修改,任重而道遠。
我還要再仔細地校對修改, 下周再更新。下周我還想繼推出女兒的詩的欄目後,再推出新欄目兒子的事,講講兒子好玩兒的事。
下麵,是我改Love That Cat的幾個例子。()裏的數字是該句的音節數
舊
A little cat, a real cat, (7)
That can meow and purr. (5)
We could play together (6)
And I could pet her. (5)
新
A real cat, a cute cat, (6)
That can meow, eat and purr. (6)
We could play together. (6)
I could hold and pet her. (6)
舊
“Hi, little kitten,” (6)
I gently said. (4)
In her round eyes, (4)
Timidness, I read. (5)倒裝
新
“Hi, cute little kitten,” (6)
I gently, gently said. (6)
In her round shiny eyes, (6)
I saw a lot of dread. (6)
舊
The Canadian Mimi (7)
Looked very funny. (5)
Her nose was half black and (6)
Half white. A clown, isn’t she?(6)
新
This Canadian cat (6)
Looked a little funny. (6)
Her nose was black and white. (6)
She’s a clown, isn’t she? (6)
舊
On the second morning, (6)
I checked her bowl and plate.(6)
Mimi drank a lot (5)
But nothing,she ate. (5)倒裝
新
During the second day, (6)
Did Mimi eat or not? (6)
She didn’t eat a bit (6)
But she drank a whole lot. (6)