正文
I was the first child in my family. I have a sister who is 3 years younger and a brother who is 4 years younger.
The village I was born is in the south bank of the Yangzi river. There were about 30 houses totally. The famous "Big Canal" passes the east side of my village. Another rive passes the south side of the village. My parents' house was the first on the west side of the village. The only road leading to the outside passes in front of my house toward the west. There was an old wood bridge cross the river in the east side of the village. During winter times, there was ice on the bridge, people had to crawl over the bridge with their hands. The bridge was the only direct road leading toward the town, which was about 2 miles away.
My father rarely smiled to us. We were all afraid of him. Mother was a beautiful young woman who sang all the time, even during her hard times. All of us grew up in her songs and her interesting stories.
Since I was a little child, I realized that father didn't like me. Whenever he saw me, he would be angry. He was always saying that how come he had such a ugly and stupid daughter. He said that my hair was like goat's, my eyes like dead fish's, and even my fingers like dead swollen eel's. He didn't want to see me. At the same time, I was scared to see him, even his shadow would make me nervous.
I tried hard to make him have good feeling on me, because I longed for his praise, his love. I was one of the best students in my class, brought back home numerous prizes from various competitions. I cooked meals for the family since I was 5 years old. I washed the whole family's clothes everyday in the summer since I could carry the basket of the washed clothes. But he never said any praises on me. He liked my sister saying that she would be a figure when she grew up, he liked my brother since this is his only son. But none for me.
I was the first college student in my village, my score of the college entrance exam was the highest in the whole county. Since then my father started to take me with him to some of family gatherings. When people praised me of being smart, and saying that I inherited his gene, there started a smile on his face.
In front of outsiders, I pretend to be a loving daughter and him being a loving father. But I know in my mind that is never true, because I can not forget so many nights I cried in my bed and tried to use a knife to cut my wrist to end my sad life. But every time when I thought about my mother, I gave up that idea because I didn't want my mother to be sad. I knew that she loves me the most. In her mind, I was the most beautiful among her three kids, always obeyed her and father, the one who understood her mind.
As I said earlier, my brother is the youngest, he is 4 years younger than me. After he was born, I took care of him when our parents were out for work ( My father's mother died when he was 16, my mother's mother was a servant in Shanghai at that time). I carried him wherever I went. One afternoon of a late summer, mother went to town to buy coal blocks, I was taking care of my brother at home. Father came back home earlier that day. When he was present, I would be very nervous, afraid of him so much that I could not stop my body shaking. To get a kind of relief, I told father that I would go to the east side of the village to see if mother has come back. He agreed and told me not to cross the bridge. I said "yes" to him and carried my brother with me. It was late summer, the villagers were harvesting rices from the fields. The golden sun was in the west side of the sky. I stood at the east side of the village trying to find my mother's shadow on the road, but there were tall trees along the road and I could not look far. Step by step, I crossed the bridge and went to another side of the river, but mother didn't show up. Suddenly, I heard steps and I saw father was walking towards me with anger on his face. I was so scared that I could not move. He came up to me, took my brother off my back and kicked me into the river! The river bank was high, I rolled over the bank towards the shore of the river, but didn't get into the water, he came down and tried to push me into the deep water, I was so scared that I forgot to cry, nor yell for help. There were villagers carrying rices on the road, they came up and dragged him away and carried me home with my body being soaked with water. I was unconscious during that period and still didn't know who saved me. The next memory I had was that mother weeping beside my bed and carried me to the doctor since I was having high fever and being unconscious from time to time. When I started recover, mother told me that if I died that day, she would jump to the river herself. From that accident, I told myself to live and not make my mother sad.
The village I was born is in the south bank of the Yangzi river. There were about 30 houses totally. The famous "Big Canal" passes the east side of my village. Another rive passes the south side of the village. My parents' house was the first on the west side of the village. The only road leading to the outside passes in front of my house toward the west. There was an old wood bridge cross the river in the east side of the village. During winter times, there was ice on the bridge, people had to crawl over the bridge with their hands. The bridge was the only direct road leading toward the town, which was about 2 miles away.
My father rarely smiled to us. We were all afraid of him. Mother was a beautiful young woman who sang all the time, even during her hard times. All of us grew up in her songs and her interesting stories.
Since I was a little child, I realized that father didn't like me. Whenever he saw me, he would be angry. He was always saying that how come he had such a ugly and stupid daughter. He said that my hair was like goat's, my eyes like dead fish's, and even my fingers like dead swollen eel's. He didn't want to see me. At the same time, I was scared to see him, even his shadow would make me nervous.
I tried hard to make him have good feeling on me, because I longed for his praise, his love. I was one of the best students in my class, brought back home numerous prizes from various competitions. I cooked meals for the family since I was 5 years old. I washed the whole family's clothes everyday in the summer since I could carry the basket of the washed clothes. But he never said any praises on me. He liked my sister saying that she would be a figure when she grew up, he liked my brother since this is his only son. But none for me.
I was the first college student in my village, my score of the college entrance exam was the highest in the whole county. Since then my father started to take me with him to some of family gatherings. When people praised me of being smart, and saying that I inherited his gene, there started a smile on his face.
In front of outsiders, I pretend to be a loving daughter and him being a loving father. But I know in my mind that is never true, because I can not forget so many nights I cried in my bed and tried to use a knife to cut my wrist to end my sad life. But every time when I thought about my mother, I gave up that idea because I didn't want my mother to be sad. I knew that she loves me the most. In her mind, I was the most beautiful among her three kids, always obeyed her and father, the one who understood her mind.
As I said earlier, my brother is the youngest, he is 4 years younger than me. After he was born, I took care of him when our parents were out for work ( My father's mother died when he was 16, my mother's mother was a servant in Shanghai at that time). I carried him wherever I went. One afternoon of a late summer, mother went to town to buy coal blocks, I was taking care of my brother at home. Father came back home earlier that day. When he was present, I would be very nervous, afraid of him so much that I could not stop my body shaking. To get a kind of relief, I told father that I would go to the east side of the village to see if mother has come back. He agreed and told me not to cross the bridge. I said "yes" to him and carried my brother with me. It was late summer, the villagers were harvesting rices from the fields. The golden sun was in the west side of the sky. I stood at the east side of the village trying to find my mother's shadow on the road, but there were tall trees along the road and I could not look far. Step by step, I crossed the bridge and went to another side of the river, but mother didn't show up. Suddenly, I heard steps and I saw father was walking towards me with anger on his face. I was so scared that I could not move. He came up to me, took my brother off my back and kicked me into the river! The river bank was high, I rolled over the bank towards the shore of the river, but didn't get into the water, he came down and tried to push me into the deep water, I was so scared that I forgot to cry, nor yell for help. There were villagers carrying rices on the road, they came up and dragged him away and carried me home with my body being soaked with water. I was unconscious during that period and still didn't know who saved me. The next memory I had was that mother weeping beside my bed and carried me to the doctor since I was having high fever and being unconscious from time to time. When I started recover, mother told me that if I died that day, she would jump to the river herself. From that accident, I told myself to live and not make my mother sad.
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