I am always intrigued by human nature,

I am always intrigued by human nature, and that is one reason that I like to read fictions. I am more interested in the story than the writing itself most of the time. Ever since I was young, my father gave me lots of accient Chinese literatures to read. He told me, no matter what happens, human nature never changes. He wanted to me to experience more so that I can make the right choices in life to make my life easier, and happier.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think all of the experiences can be transfered from one person to another. A lot of times, we have to live through things to learn the lesson, especially when we are young and stuburn. I do know more possiblities in life than most people, but that doesn't enable me to make more right choices than most people. Since I learn a lot from the literatures, which focus on beautiful things in life, which are bigger and simplier than life itself most of the time, I get lost in real life from time to time. Since I am romantic at heart because of the books I read, yet practical in life because my upbring,  I make contradict choices all my life. It shows in my personality too. Sometimes I am very naive, yet, sometimes I can be complicated.

 

I came to this country for a better life, for matarial wealth to be specific. I left the guy I loved behind because I was disappointed in him. I didn't believe that he could provide me with what I wanted, which was not much though. Also, my love for him was weakened by a series of things happened. Thus my desire for a better life was a stronger than my desire for being with him.

 

Yet when I knew that I lost him, I suddenly realized that my life would never be "better" without love. I was desparate and believed that only my love for him was the true love that I could experience when I was young, which should be pure, and don't have any worldly needs attached to it. With this thought in mind and with Hao in my life, I gave up searching for another person that I could love. With a stable job and comfortable life, I was content with life. I really don't need much in life, compare to most of my friends. But I always knew that there is a big piece missing in my life, that is love.

 

If Hao was a good husband, I probably would accept my life happily. Unfortunately my life with him grew boring and boring, and my disappoint in him got bigger and bigger, even though he actually changed little by little during the past. But he was never the man whom I could love like a husband.

 

I was so attracted to you that I didn't even have time to think things through. You were going away then and I really enjoyed your company so I indulged myself in my feelings. As I got closer to you, you were more and more attractive to me. I have a very strong desire to get close to you, and it feels so good to be in your arms. I don't know why I feel so peaceful and happy in your arms.

 

I trusted you so much that I never imaged that trust could be a problem. But it all shattered when I learned about your education background. I know you explained that to me, but to me, it was still a lie. I wasn't upset because you didn't actually go to Berkeley, I was upset because the reasons behind that "lie".

 

From then on, I started to question everything you've told me. I don't want to do this, but normally I would just walk away, or at least, don't bother to know which part is true and which part is not true. But I care too much for you to do those. I couldn't explain a lot of things between us and it is so hard for me to walk away.

 

So I put myself in a strange position. I long to be with you, yet I don't trust you as  before. I cannot love someone without the trust, so I am desparately want to trust you. The current situation doesn't help me at all.

 

I read your email many times. It is hard to read and understand than all the previous emails you sent me.

 

I am a very understanding person. I have more tolerance and patience to different things and different people than most people. I also can think in other people's shoes more often. For many weeks, I thought I knew you well. But I suspect that I really know you at all. Trust is a big issue here, there are other things, like different standards involved also.

 

You know I can be very upfront. I am now.

 

I've never been philosophical in my life, I actually deliberately avoid thinking deeply. To me, the purpose of life is to live happily, which means having enough to eat, having a comfortable place to stay, and having decent clothes to cover myself and my family, and having people in my life love me and I can love them back. I never have any doubt on this. I came from a country where it could be a luxary to have a life like this in the past.

 

For one hero, there were more nameless soliders died. If Chris McCandless had died, nobody would have care about who he was and what he did except his family and friends. If he walked away from the wild safely, he only had two choices. If he could fit in the soiety, he would live a quiet life like most of us, or if he couldn't fit in the society, he would spend the rest of his life on the road, living the same marginal life in the society. Since he was young and inteligent and I like being normal, I'd rather him to live a normal life, though boring, easier, maybe happier by my standard. But happiness differs from one person to another, maybe he would be happier to be on the road for the rest of his life.

 

I was touched when I read him facing death with pride and with no fear. He didn't have much by my standard, yet he had a lot because that was what he wanted to do.

 

Maybe human nature never changes, but people behave and think differently in different places and at different time, and this do make a difference in life and in history. Human nature doesn't really matter, I found this out later. But I am still interested in it.

 

What I learned from the books could complecate my thinking. Even though I never consider myself a complicated person, sometimes I do think too much to see the whole picture. I am optimistic, but I am disappointed in human nature, despecate all the beautiful things I read from the books. To most people, including me, we are helpless in front of our environment, fate, and even our habits.
 

Remeber I told you that you had many faces? I also told you that after certain ages, whom a person is will show in his face? You are probably the only one in my life who has so many "faces", this always makes me wonder why. I tried to put all the pieces that I know about you together, but some of them are so opposite to put together. This brings fear and confusion to me.