Hard for me to write you?

I just got off the phone with you...that made my day! I feel so much better that I was able to hear your voice, even for 5 minutes. I caught myself smiling for the first time all day!

Sometimes I wonder if you feel I am too affectionate with you. It is easy for me to tell you I love you. If I could, I would put in big words in a newspaper or something...I would yell it to all who could listen.  I dream of a day when you and I can be together and not have to answer or fear anyone elses opinion or judgement.

As far as my health, I have been noticing that instead of feeling better, (even though I am sleeping better,) every day that passes here feels like I am getting farther from you, and my well-being seems tied to being near you. I was writing you last night before I went to sleep, but when I woke to that dream this morning, it made me feel anxious and impatient. Not seeing you is difficult right now, especially since I feel the time is important that I am near you. It isn't so much that I am needy, or high maintenance, but more like I feel you are physically and emotionally a part of me.  Last night as I was drifting off to sleep, (with my pillow clutched close to me!)  I remember whispering to you, as if you were next to me. Sometimes I wonder if you can hear my words, feel my love...

I read the e-mail you sent over and over...I wished so much it could be your voice telling me those words, next to me, as we lie together. I was becoming anxious, and I could hear you telling me "Don't think about it, just don't think so much."  So I started reading a book.  Occasionally, I would go to my laptop and see if you were online. It is easy enough to find distraction, but it lasts for only so long before my mind wanders to you again.

I am sorry you are so cold at night. I know I get warm when I sleep, it is something I became aware of many years ago. It is funny...Reese was a sweaty, hot sleeper. Many nights, I would sleep with him in my arms, and I would wake up all wet from sweat. We both would heat up so much! I miss those nights with him. The last night I experienced that with him was during the summer a couple years ago. Kanika was away in Pennsylvania, (cheating on me during that trip,) and the power went out in our neighborhood. It was kind of scary for him at first, but being in my arms, he was never afraid. We sat on a chair together on our balcony, and listened to the night, and it was very hot. He fell asleep in my arms, and I held him to sleep on our couch that night. I knew Kanika was cheating on me that same moment, and I knew I would have precious little time with Reese after she returned.

I thought about my dream a lot today, trying to remember the details...the little things. It felt to me, we had been together for a long time already, and were living comfortably. I felt a general state of happiness, and the drama that surrounded the beginning of our relationship was long past. Your happiness is important to me, more than my own. I wish for a day when I can put your needs ahead of all else...except for own children, if that happens. You may think that is just fantasy to me, but it is not. I believe you when you tell me you love me, and that I mean as much to you as I do. It has not always been like this, and November/December, I wondered what it was you saw in me. If you really loved me the way you said. After you and I got closer, the closer I wanted to be to you. I cannot lie, it is hard for me to accept that Hao is sharing a house with you, sharing a life, a bed. I can't help sometimes but to be envious, and a little jealous, over that. But I am happy that we have each other in our own way, the best we can at this point, and leave it to my faith that I will live life with you someday, when the time is right.

Okay, I will stop writing melodramatically. I have been feeling sentimental so much lately, and it is not something I am used to feeling.

I really enjoyed the letters you wrote about your past. I can't wait to read more, even if you mention your past relationships. I know that "H" and you had something deep together, and I know you love him. That doesn't bother me, in fact the opposite is true. I love that you have experienced what you have. I am sorry that many experiences were not happy, and they tried you. I can see how hard you have struggled, and it makes up the person you are today. If you had not had terrible experiences, good experiences, etc, I am not sure you would be the same Wenfang I fell in love with. Reading about how you came to be the woman you are today makes me feel closer to you, and our experiences and pasts are something we should not be afraid to share.

Your past makes me realize how different it must have been for you to leave your family behind in China...as well as to leave behind the man you loved. As much as I think I am independent, I cannot help but feel shadowed by the commitment you made to yourself. And you have done so well, it amazes me that you are as tenacious as you are, given all the challenges you have faced. I love you so much for this.

Anyway, I am getting sleepy. I will hold my pillow tight to me again, and just before I pass to unconsciousness, I may even feel that it is you in my arms...I hope.

I hope you hear me whispering to you...