I hope all is well with you, as always. I was so happy for the two
days I was able to see you, however brief our time was. Something
about seeing you smile makes me excited and happy, and I understand
what you mean about laughing when you see me.
I miss being around you, and I still wake every day to thoughts of
you. Last night I fell asleep thinking of the time that has transpired
since we first started becoming close, and all the things that have
happened. Retrospect does a lot for one's perspective, and I found
myself searching for some sign of regret in my heart about being close
to you. For some reason, I cannot feel regret for wanting to be near
you, even considering all the mistakes and turmoil we have caused to
this point. In fact, any regrets I thought I had have only served to
become fears that you will never know me the way I'd like you to, or
that I won't know you the way I wish to. In some ways it seems almost
tragic to me that you and I share in a guilt that we cannot seem to
get past. It's as if our relationship is similar to a seed that has
been planted loosely, and is now halfheartedly struggling to search
for a way to root itself.
After the night at the hotel, I knew that things would change and not
for the better. As things started turning for the worse, in light of
background checks and the inquisition that followed, my gut told me to
leave everything here behind, and never look back. In fact, while
seeing my family on Thanksgiving, I was tempted to find a way to get
some work in the mountains to finance repaying my debts and to set
aside enough to get me back on the road for a while longer. So far,
I've not made any decisions, other than to not decide on any clear
path.
The last few weeks have had me thinking of my place in life…am I
running away from, or towards something? I suppose I would love to
believe that life IS the destination, the journey is more important
than actually ending up somewhere, physically, emotionally,
financially, etc. I think it is a romantic notion, possible only when
there are no others involved in ones' life. Adding even one person
into that equation makes life a social existence, and with that a
responsibility to the other people in ones' life.
So, I find myself considering how I fit into all of that. I think last
year, or perhaps even a few years ago, I began cutting serious ties in
my life. The hardest cut was last year, when I left Reese and Kanika.
Actually, leaving her was easy, but I had spent three years as Reese's
"Daddy", and that was one of the hardest, most trying times for me.
Over a year later, I think I only have one person in my life that I
have actually opened up to, and that is you. Why this happened eludes
me still, but strangely, I consciously allowed it to happen
nonetheless.
I have no doubt that you and I could find a strong bond of friendship,
and perhaps more, between us in the future. Time being my greatest
enemy, I can't say when things will happen, only that I'd like them
to. It saddens me that I couldn't control the time in my life that
your path and mine crossed, that I came into your life during a
transition in mine…maybe even a transition in yours. That is, at the
least, one thing that you and I share between us, and since I am one
to consider that all things happen for a reason, I'm left to ponder
what possible reason you and I serve to each other. Why us?
The other night I laughed to myself that in all the houses I've lived
in, only one ever faced west. I grew up looking into a rising sun, and
spent most of my life with the front door of my residence facing east.
With that thought in mind, I began to wonder about how my life seems
at it's zenith now, and I think I might like to live in a house
someday that faces west…I've spent much of my life with the sun rising
in front of me. Now I feel compelled to watch the sun set for the rest
of my days. I think this transition in my life is about finding
direction, and now I feel I must put a destination, some endpoint or
goal, to it all…
I have always been of the philosophy that all things are possible in
life, and never before have I felt any stronger about that than now.
Maybe that idea is the sum output of all my experiences to this point.
Never mind the fact that it makes mathematical sense…even the
impossible can happen in singularity when given time.
I have been spending a lot of time searching for things in life the
last few years that would help me to develop into the human being that
I want to be. I read something recently that I found to be somewhat
inspirational, and I found a personal connection to the words. It came
out of a foreword to a John Steinbeck book I recently read:
"The journey…might be considered a classic example of the heroic
journey, the archetypical myth that lends an essential structure to so
much narrative literature. In the traditional myth, the hero—whoever
he might be—abandons his safe haven and pushes forward into the
wilderness (or depths) in order to test himself against the odds; in
the course of this testing, he either discovers his own rich resources
or comes into contact with higher powers that assist him. The story
inevitably involves a returning, which completes the cycle; the point
being that, upon returning, the hero has been immeasurably
strengthened by the knowledge gained in the course of his difficult
journey."
One thing that crosses my mind is that life is not meant for the
lonely. I am not immune to fears of loneliness, and the thought of a
companion, a new concept to my current equation, is something I am
beginning to feel a desire for. It's not important just to have
someone, but important to find that one person who has an
understanding of who I am, who I can be…it's important to me that I
someday find the person who can complete my circle.
Finding that in life is already difficult enough without considering
the myriad other "things" that are necessary to provide that dream. I
don't have those things yet, the material wealth, the security, the
ability to tie opportunity to timing. At this point, I'm not even sure
about how to go about finding those things, but it certainly isn't
beyond my intellectual ability to find them.
So, I guess I wanted to share that with you. It does little to explain
who I am at my core, I know, but it is where I've been in my thinking
lately. Going to Mexico, or Colorado, or Utah, or wherever, was never
important to why I wanted to go, so that I could consider such things,
I think.
What it leaves me is the thought of how I should go on in my life now…
Anyway, I hope you are having a good Friday, and I want you to know
how much I think of you. I am sure it is more than what you think…
With love,
