10/19

You are so cute. You sent me my own picture :)

 

Thanks for the praying mantis picture. I'd never seen two praying mantises together. The first time I knew the term "praying mantis" I was a little disappointed.  Because in Chinese, it has the name 螳螂 (you probably cannot see these two characters with your computer) which somehow I think special.  In China, the image of a praying mantis is a quiet worrier, and the "praying arms" are said to be "big knives" .  Praying mantises there might be a little different, at least the ones I saw. They were always green, just like the color and texture of jade. Since they rarely move, they look just like delicate miniature jade sculptures, amazingly beautiful. We were taught that praying mantises are good insects, which means they are "beneficial" to human, so whenever I saw one, I would admire it for a while, then either leave it alone or move it to a better place.

 

How's your day? Do you feel better today?

 

The email you sent me earlier was so touching, it is my turn to say, I am speechless.

 

I am also sad. I don't want you to love that much. I want you sleep well and dream less, I want you to be carefree, to be happy...

 

I miss you, your company, your smile, your arms... But I am afraid to see you because I know things will get out of control very fast. I don't trust myself anymore.

 

>Is everything good with you? I only ask because I have a feeling that
>you are tired, or sad...
Everything is fine. Business is slow and I am trying to fix things that broke over the past months. I hired a new pizza maker who turn out to be very good, fast and hardworking. If he stays, I don't need to worry about pizza makers any more.

 

>Over the last year, I had built up a defense against
>feeling connected to anybody…how you were able to get through that
>confuses me.

Your defense was flawed then ;). I didn't see any walls, or my vision was really bad. Anyway, there must be a gap for certain people to get in, and I didn't see a warning sign so I wondered in.

Miss you...

 

 

How are things? I'm glad to hear you hired a good pizza maker, maybe
that will give you more free time? I sure hope so, you work so much.

(By the way, my computer does have Chinese characters installed, so
feel free to write me in Chinese if you wish! Okay, maybe English is
better, but I smiled when I saw those characters you sent me...)

I have been a little sick the last couple of days, and I'm not sure
why. This morning was real bad, I was dizzy and cold, so I spent a lot
of time trying to rest. I have been sleeping, just not good sleep, I
think. I keep thinking the bed I am sleeping in is too big for one
person.

You wrote something that I have been dwelling on quite a bit today:

>I am also sad. I don't want you to love that much. I want you sleep
well and dream less, I want you to >be carefree, to be happy...

>I miss you, your company, your smile, your arms... But I am afraid to
see you because I know things >will get out of control very fast. I
don't trust myself anymore.

What do you fear will happen? Please don't be afraid of my love for
you...I hope you always associate that with something special, not
something complicated.

I remember when you told me what a patient man you thought I was...and
now I feel that is being put to the test. Believe me when I say I am
in no rush to complicate things for you, though I probably already
have. As far as my self control is concerned, you have so much to risk
if anything went too far with us. I think I have already pushed things
and I never want to cause you any pain. Don't misunderstand me, I
would fight to have you in my life, because I want you so much. You
just feel right to me. I do know that you are more than capable of
deciding your fate and I would never try to push you to change your
life for me.  You will know when that time comes, as will I. I will
wait for you, this I already promised.

I would do anything in my power to make you happy...I feel if you are
happy, I am happy. I am afraid of forcing your hand, that maybe my
love and affection for you is too much for you to handle!

I close my eyes and imagine a life with you...I have fears that you
deserve more than I can give you at this moment. That doesn't mean I
lack the potential to deserve you, or that I lack the capability to
provide for you. It's strange to me that I can be so humble, so honest
with you. Just understand that I will never ask anything of you,
except for you to be honest to yourself. I already trust you, so I am
behind your decisions...my love is unconditional.

I wonder if I am making much sense right now. I have been thinking so
much lately, I think my mind needs a break!

Anyway...someday if you choose to leave H and start after the dreams
that can fulfill your heart, I want to be there.  I want to show you
just how much I care for you, how much you mean to me. All we have is
time...

I miss you, and think of you constantly...I don't think I have ever
been so in love...

I'll write more later,

How do you feel now? Do you think you should go see a doctor? I think you've been stressed out by all the things happened in the past few weeks. Whenever I think the two nights that you spent alone without much sleep, I feel very sad.

 

>What do you fear will happen? Please don't be afraid of my love for
>you...I hope you always associate that with something special, not
>something complicated.

I fear things might happen too soon because I cannot control myself very well. I don't fear your love. I long for it.

 

You didn't push me. I am a very impatient person. Whenever I start something, I want to finish it, get it over with. A lot of people enjoy the doing part, but I think I enjoy the end result more. I am getting better now, but still, a lot of times, I am in a rush. I have to tell myself "be patient, slow down" from time to time.

 

Hope you get better soon. Please rest well and think less.

 

It hasn't been a week since you left, but it feels so long already...Miss you.