我是如何提高自己的交流技巧的

 今天看到這個圖片，我好感慨啊。因為這個圖片透徹的說明了要如何有效的交流。 

 

 

 記得剛結婚後，還處在早期的磨合期，吵，就是我的交流方法。以前我提過，我先生的交流原則起了決定性的作用，正好利用這張圖片，總結3點。 

 

 1. 先說圖片裏的觀點：我記得以前有過很好笑的一刻。當時，我大聲說：我很生氣。結果，我先生說：很好啊，你告訴了我你的生氣狀態，那我們現在就討論我們之間有什麽誤解。我就愣了，心想，我告訴他我很生氣，居然還得到了表揚，哈哈哈。現在想來，我已經比再早期進了一步， 至少我不通過其他形式把火氣憋在心裏，從其他方麵跟他鬧毛病，讓他猜我的心思，而是直接告訴他：我需要溝通。 

 我先生在這點上做得很好。他確實是給我解釋他為啥不高興了，而不是對我EXPRESS他的氣憤。我後來還是以“我很生氣”起頭，每次都得到鼓勵，讓我表達出來。慢慢的，脾氣就減少了。嗬嗬。  

2. 我先生的交流原則裏，強調一切爭議都是某種誤解，有很大程度的無辜。所以要當時就說開。早期的我，知道自己的毛病是“生氣時信口開河，不擇言語”。成熟了以後，為了自我控製，就采用了相對消極的方式 ： 開始生氣時，為了不出口傷人，我就轉身就走，當時不打算做溝通。這一點被我先生經過艱難的努力，給我矯正了。後來醒悟，幾乎所有爭議，確實是誤解，隻要是為了這個家庭好，為了對方好，出發點是善意，沒有解不開的疙瘩。（不過，對於長期吵架的家庭，積累了大堆的對對方的負麵情緒，就不是誤解問題了。有的時候是故意發泄。因為問題積累了太久了，已經失去原本的無辜了。） 

3. 我先生強調crystal clear的表達。這點和第一點比較像，就是要清晰表達不滿，（別東扯西扯的，說好多無助於事情解決的廢話）。生氣時，人很容易誇大其詞，比如你一直都是什麽什麽，你從來都不關心我，你完全錯了。。。等等，這種表達客觀嗎？是因為發泄火氣才這樣說對方的，還是對方真的就這麽壞？所以清晰準確的表達，會避免很多不必要的誤會，不去浪費時間讓吵架持續3小時。 

 此外，我有一種觀點，就是哪怕沒錢，都不要沒感情。錢可以掙，但是過沒有感情不高興的日子，就是對自己犯罪。為了不對自己犯罪，就要學會自我調節，也要學會領導對方。女人如何能領導男人？比如，婚姻是TEAM WORK，既然是TEAM WORK，WIN-WIN 的戰略就很重要。女人，不管大女人多有主見和能幹，或小女人的多想躲在男人背後，都別忘了培養丈夫的高大全形象。想想，兩個人的力量總比一個人的強吧。維護好了丈夫的自尊心，他能夠更好的反饋給家庭，這就是女人的小小領導精神。別“拽”，也對。
 

隨便說說，各家各家的模式，我總結的比較適合某一類人吧。這些道理都是對的，但實施起來有困難。我很理解對困難的強調，因為我就是那樣走過來的。加油吧，為了快樂的生活。

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應大家的要求，補充一些信息。這個圖片在FB上有1萬多人喜歡，至今有250多留言。正反方都有。我選一些代表性的留言給大家分享。（正反方都有）。

I wonder how to explain the anger without the heat? -----you have to practice not acting on your feelings. "I feel...." with words not fists.

 

Explaining your anger is expressing it in a way that someone can hear it.

 

Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind. Think about what to say then say it. Otherwise, take a deep breath.

 

There are many ways you can explain your anger - sometimes the recipient does not want to hear why you are angry, most of the time PRIDE and ego; they want to WIN the argument. One needs to think FIRST before opening MOUTH. 

 

and remembering that Anger always covers up Fear... so asking ourselves .. 'if I wasn't angry right now... what would I be afraid of ' can get to the 'root' of the feeling ...and the resolution of it '..

 

Uncritical self observation of how SUNK into our negative emotional states we are (anger is only one of legions we embrace...) will allow us to do the inner WORK involved in real inner transformation....Try and watch your REACTIONS to life's events as your gauge of where you live psychologically...Attacking Syria, for example will anger some, whilst others are indifferent, proving we are all living in different states of inner awareness...

 

I think it begins with statements like, "I feel really angry right now becaure you didnt call be back, or I felt angry when you forgot to pick me up.

 

Anger is always fear based

 

Feel your anger. Don't suppress it, don't explode it. Feel the energy of your anger. Own your anger. Don't explain it as this will put your focus outward and make you more likely to project and blame. Use your anger and ask it what its message is to you? Has a boundary been violated? Are you dealing with someone incongruent? etc. Then find your inspired action to bring you back into equilibrium. Anyway, that works for me.

 

When I feel anger, I ask myself if it is because I am actually trying to control a situation. To ride the tide of life with ease and grace in every situation is the best way.

 

When I look deeply/truly into my anger, it is really fear. That is usually very eye-opening. Because there is only fear...and love. Anger is only a form of fear, ( a very personal one!)

 

Expression is important. I don't agree that you should JUST explain. Expressions allows the feeling through. You can't stuff it down and explain it away.

 

expressing to explaining is achieved by witnessing (of anger)

 

Terrible idea. Expressing your anger in a healthy way is much better. Singing, dancing, exercise. Expressing your anger helps it move through you instead of staying stuck in side. Expression through art is also a good idea.

 

Quite wise words and I agree. Only thing is, with the way people are taught to think, by explaining your anger, it is taken as a justification by most ears. And by our cultural standard, justifications don't hold any weight. Find someone who is willing to explore anger with you, and these words are gold 

 

Or express your anger by explaining it. I think the statement "Explain your anger, don't express it" is rather contradictory and stupid really, and implies a disconnection between the anger and the explanation of the anger. One can be angry and not completely lose touch with rationality

 

Brilliant! And a debate always produces more positive results than an argument. Also, agreeing to disagree is so FREEing; it results in both parties being 'heard' and isn't that what most of want...to be truly heard? There are some that insist on being 'right and/or finding agreement'; I prefer not to be in those relationships. Blessings to all