Life, it is a joke?

What I have been tried to avoid from the day I can remember is what I became right now. Is't a big joke? I have no idea, I don't want to have a clear idea about that. It's been over thirty years and then you found a mistake, a ignorance, a lie, a what, ..., about yourself. If I knew that 10 years before, I don't know if I can have the decision I made at that time. Fate is alway making jokes on humans. I am one of them. Ten years ago, I feel the connection, I couldn't figure out what it is. Now I know it and I really know what it is and what it will mean to me if, and only if I knew that magic No by then. Why, why, why... I want to cry, but no tear. I want to angry, but no target. I want to talk, but no listener. I want to back, but no time-machine. I want to forget, but too deep. I became a nobody without a life. I tried to escape, became live in a cave. I tried to live happy, start feel nothing. No anger, no happiness, no respect, no shame, no nothing I want to die, from this moment, from this finger to the last toe. Can I forget everything and have another life? Can I be forgiven by ones who "loved" me? Can I dissappear without a word? Life is a joke. I am a joker. Am I going to come back here? I don't know. If you don't find me here any more, maybe I am gone once for all, or I died from the heart and become a heartless, just like thousands of you.