Screw USNEWS. Here's T20s ranked by proximity to a Trader Joe's.
I'm done with apps and I have nothing to do with myself during break. Didn't know if this was shitpost Wednesday material, but let me know if I should just repost then, mods. Thanks!
Trader Joe's- as a Crew Member there, it's a magical place full of delicious snacks, free samples (pre-COVID-19), and the *ultimate* haven for all of the college kids in my area (of which, there are thousands.). So obviously, one *must* apply to the T20s closest to a Trader Joe's for affordable, trendy, tasty treats! \*not sponsored by Trader Joe's Inc. Inspired by the Chick-Fil-A post from a while ago.
# So the countdown begins.
**20. University of Notre Dame**: 231 miles away from the closest Trader Joe's in *Madison, WI*?! Really guys. Up your game here. I can't be walking a whole distance of *76 hours* to get my plantain chip fix. EDIT: they're opening a new one soon!! Yay good news for ND kids :)
**19. Dartmouth College**: Sorry Dartmouth simps. Y'all missed out on the cheapest Trader Joe's alcohol (of course, the "Two-Buck-Chuck") and your frat parties will be incredibly lame as a result. 126 miles away from a TJs, taking 41 hours by walk to get there.
**18. Cornell University**: Actually, this isn't entirely accurate- a new TJs is opening in Ithaca in the next year, I believe! Great news for y'all Cornell '25 kids. As of now, it takes 16 hours and 57 minutes to get to the nearest TJs, 51.9 miles away.
**17. Brown University**: Disappointed in Providence rn. So disappointed. 3 hours and 17 minutes to get to the TJs 9.8 miles away. And the sad part is that Brown embodies the Trader Joe's vibe. :(
**16. Duke University:** UNC>Duke friends, this is your time. The nearest Trader Joe's is in Chapel Hill, not Durham- rip :(
**15. Yale University**: As a self-confessed Yale simp, this makes me want to cry. 7.4 miles away from the nearest store, 2hrs and 28mins away.
**14. Johns Hopkins University**: Alright. We're closing in on <2hr territory. Still disappointed in Baltimore rn. 6.3mi, 2hr and 10 mins.
**13. Vanderbilt University**: 3 miles away, 1 hour by walk. Day-trip worthy!
**12. Washington University St. Louis:** 2.7 miles, a 54 minute walk. Not terrible! I don't think you'll need a TJs though- I've heard there's an Einstein Bagels on campus. Please accept me WashU so I can live my dream of living solely on bagels for the rest of my life. pls.
**11. Princeton University**: 2.5 miles, 49 minutes away. Now we're talking!!
# The top ten :)
**10. Rice University**: Wow, as if we needed another reason to not sleep on this t20- 1.5mi, 32 minute walk!!
**9. Columbia University:** 1.4 miles, 28 minute walk. Columbia '25, enjoy your soy chorizo. Also, there are like a million TJs in NYC, so while you're out exploring the city, you'll have a ton of options!
**8. Harvard University**: Originally #4, but the nearest location that Google Maps picked up was not, in fact, Harvard Square, but some apartment buildings owned by Harvard. So the adjusted distance is 1.3 miles away, approximately a 26 minute walk.
**7. Stanford University**: This was originally #3, but if we adjust the location so it's the front entrance of Stanford and not a nearby building owned by it, we get a 1 mile walk to the nearest TJs, which is 21 minutes away. Sorry Stanford simps, Stanford is a T5 no longer :(
**7. Massachusetts Institute of Technology:** Ah, so we have our winner out of the HYPSM schools! Congratulations to the best school in Cambridge and *having a shuttle on Tuesdays that takes students to TJs!!* That is so epic and even without the shuttle, it is only a 0.8mile, 16 minute walk to the nearest store. u/peteyMIT pointed out that the nearest TJs in Boston is 1.1 miles away from the front entrance, but Google Maps said the Dome was only 0.8 miles away from the Cambridge TJs. Since there's such a weird discrepancy (and Google Maps hates me for some reason), MIT is tied with Stanford for having roughly the same walking distance to the Boston store.
**5. University of Chicago:** Booo UChicago sucks for deferring me but like... that 0.8mi, 15 minute walk is really sexy ^(please accept me RD)
**4. Northwestern:** NU>UC kids rise up because Evanston > Chicago and 0.7mi > 0.8mi. Enjoy walking only 14 mins to get your TJs fix! (tbh they both should have been a tie, but Google maps wanted to spice things up and start a NU vs UC argument in the comments... heh)
**3. University of Pennsylvania**: Wharton homies here's your chance to invest in the best grocery store chain in the United States (just kidding they are a private company and there are no stockholders that I'm aware of don't come @ me with your finance terms I'm only a depressed STEM major) 0.6mi, 12 minute walk!!!
**2. California Insitute of Technology:** A grand total of 1584 feet (0.3 miles) away from the nearest Trader Joe's! Only *6 minutes of walking* to get your fix of Everything But The Bagel Seasoning. To all Caltech EA admits + future RD admits, you are truly living in Pasadena Paradise. Also **honorable mention for being only 1.2 miles from the first ever TJs store!** Sounds like Caltech is the best college in CA. UNLESS.......
# The big reveal. The top ranked school based on proximity to a Trader Joe's is...
1. **University of California - Los Angeles**: A THREE MINUTE WALK. 0.3 MILES AWAY. I am amazed. I can't believe UCLA won the Chick Fil A proximity rankings *and* the Trader Joe's one! Future UCLA admits, you guys are super lucky. Never take your Mandarin Orange Chicken for granted. You deserve it.
Anyways I hope that was (kind of) helpful. Now y'all must know that rankings are arbitrary (except this one, of course) and that you're all going to kill it in RD. Now, go finish those supps!
HUGE EDIT: Google maps screwed me over and didn't show that there was a TJs in Westwood, so I had to change the entire ranking rip Princeton but all hail UCLA as the best university in the United States. Also **honorable mention to USC for having a Trader Joe's in the USC Village as well as NYU for being 0.1 miles away from a TJs!!**
