給恬恬的一封信
你來問我:
“媽媽，人生要做什麽，我正在努力尋找自己的人生目標。如果我堅持做一件事，就一定做得很好，但是興趣總在變! 我不知道自己唯一的目標應該是什麽!”
於是我從正在看的《回憶錄的藝術》中抬起了頭，感覺到了你的沮喪。這樣的時刻，你隻是需要我為你創造療愈空間，所以我微笑著傾聽。
我人生的目的是什麽，這個問題也困擾我很多年。
明天，1 月 2 日，你就 15 歲了。
50 歲的前一天，我在日記中寫道：
“這一整年我一直在尋求明確的答案。一生使命的清晰，來到地球生活的目的，50歲時的清晰。我以為50歲意味著頭腦清醒。中國有句古話: 五十歲知天命。然而，我發現答案明確並不是一個目的，而是一個持續的過程。當有一件事需要明確……然後基於剛剛得到的明確，下一件事就會滾滾而來……清晰的答案彷佛從眼睛上拉下一層層霧氣……它是你的朋友。當你清晰時，生活中的任何事情，特別是小事情，不會再對你有太大影響了。當你有意識地尋找時，清晰才會來臨。所以靜下心來，傾聽你的內心和內在的智慧。當內心平靜不受幹擾時，外部世界就無關緊要了。”
也許我不僅為自己，也為你寫的？15 歲或 50 歲，我們都被同一個問題而吸引。
你不是一個物質主義的女孩，希望這有我的功勞。
盡管我不是一個非常在乎物質的人，但當我閱讀近藤麻理惠的《怦然心動的人生整理魔法》時，我仍然震驚於自己幾十年來積累的衣服、包、鞋子或物品的數量，花了幾個月的時間和淚水才切斷了這些聯係。而當你做這些時，簡直是光速。任何不帶來快樂的東西都會被你放下，毫不猶豫。
也許我需要體驗華麗的魅力，才能擺脫物質的束縛。而你呢，從出生起就是個極簡主義者?
我總是知道給你準備什麽生日禮物，因為你讓一切變得簡單。當你還是個小女孩，你就喜歡書。從四年級開始，你所有的朋友都知道什麽能讓你開心，那就是巴尼斯諾伯（Barnes and Noble）的禮品卡。
今年新冠疫情期間，我們家收到了當地圖書館寄來的數百本書。每當我聽到你興奮地尖叫，就知道又有一波快遞到了。
在你15歲生日那天，你隻希望家人和朋友送你智慧之言。
對於一個每周讀一本書的女孩，我可以給你什麽建議？好吧，讓我嚐試一下：
生活不僅僅是工作、使命和改變世界。生活就是活出你的熱情。
很多年前，我開車在高速公路上,去離市區兩小時車程的診所，我的老板問我多大了。
“27”。
“隻有27 歲?”
我不明白她那是什麽意思，但看了我一眼後，她繼續說：“我的意思是你已經取得了如此大的成就，而你才 27 歲？”
就在我鬆了一口氣，甚至有點自豪的時候，她補充說，“你需要有自己的生活”。
什麽？其實我沒有大聲說出來，但我上挑的眉毛一定已經說出了這個問題！
“我的意思是你一直在工作。”
現在，這聽起來真的不像是恭維了。坦率地說，我感到驚訝、失望，還有點失落。努力工作是一種美德，已流淌在我的血液裏。
同一周，一位資深同事告訴我“放慢腳步，聞聞玫瑰花香”。
當時我覺得他們這麽說很容易，因為他們有條件。他們可以負擔得起放慢速度。現在我也有同樣的條件，但我發現自己工作得更努力了。
以前，工作是為了生存。現在，工作是有目標的，工作已成為一種熱情，而非義務。
當我早上 5 點起床寫作時，我正聞著早晨的玫瑰花香。
讓你的熱情成為玫瑰的芬芳。你的熱情可能隨著時間而改變，這完全沒問題。誰說你的玫瑰園僅限特定的大小、形狀、顏色或香味？
生活的秘訣在於給予。首先給予自己。
你是一個給予者，但記得先給予自己。當你用空杯子給予時，怨恨會像毒藥一樣滋長。作為女性，我們經常首先給予、喂養和養育他人，並不斷地給予，直到匱乏。這在我的母親，你的外祖母身上看到了這一點。當她開始允許自己接受時，她變得更快樂，周圍的人都受益。看見這樣的轉變真是美妙！
不要試圖取悅別人。
你希望每個人都快樂，但你永遠無法取悅所有人。到頭來，你累了，人家依然覺得不滿足甚至受傷。讓自己以外的任何人快樂從來都不是你的責任。不是每個人都像你一樣思考，所以不要評判他們。不要試圖改變他們。順其自然吧。之前我自己就是個討好別人的人。雖然我很堅強獨立，但我希望每個人都喜歡我。現在我知道這是不可能的。
開心地去約會，了解男孩。
我真不敢相信我會這麽說。當你五歲的時候，我向其他亞裔媽媽征求意見，她們告訴我：“高中不要談戀愛”、“太戲劇化”、“學習是首要任務”。當時我很擔心，但現在我的看法已經改變了。作為一個成熟的年輕女孩，誰說你不能兩者兼顧？
你很幸運能出生在這個自由的國度。所以享受15歲的快樂吧。
當你和男孩子在一起的時候，記得做你自己。他們和你一樣緊張，也想找到自己的方式。即使你認為他們不知道自己在做什麽，請善待他們。
清楚地說出你的願望。告訴他們你想要什麽，什麽讓你快樂。不要讓他們猜測。否則他們的工作量太大，浪費精力。
不要試圖改變它們。你是他的女朋友，不是他的媽媽。
無論你去哪裏都要拍照和寫日記，值得過的生活就值得記錄。
當我現在正在寫回憶錄時，我希望我早年能多寫些日記。
幸運的是，過去幾年我微信上發布了很多照片。
恬恬，你是個作家。當你試圖回憶那些神奇的時刻時，寫下日期和事件會對你很有幫助。社交媒體不一定要消耗我們的精力。它可以作為我們記錄事件的地方。
做真實的自己。
你知道，在這個時代，一切都會被沉澱和照亮。保持真實和真誠比以往任何時候都更重要——要勇敢！我知道你已擁有這個美德。
我們是具有塵世經驗的靈魂。你的靈魂選擇了我們作為你這一生的家人。家人的愛將是你最堅強的後盾，你可以依靠我們做任何事情。
媽媽愛你恬恬！
祝地球上最了不起的15歲女孩生日快樂!
傳遞給大家滿滿的愛 ?
You came to me:
“I don’t know what I am going to do with my life. I am trying to find my life purpose. I know if I stick to one thing I can get really good, but my interests always change! I don’t know what my one purpose should be!”
I looked up from the book I’m reading, The Art of Memoir, sensing that you are frustrated. I know a moment like this, you just want me to hold space for you, so I smile and listen.
……………………
What is the purpose of my life, I myself have also asked that question for many years.
Tomorrow, January 2nd, you will be 15.
The day before turning 50, I wrote in my journal:
“This whole year I have been seeking clarity. Clarity of my life’s mission, clarity of my purpose on earth, clarity of coming to age 50. I thought 50 means an age of having clarity. Ancient Chinese proverb: You will know your destiny at the age of 50. Yet I have found getting clarity is not a destination but an ongoing process. One thing comes that needs clarity… then the next thing rolls in based on the clarity you just received…. Getting clarity is like pulling layers of fog away from your eyes… Clarity is your friend. When you have clarity, nothing in life, especially the small stuff, will matter much to you anymore. Clarity only comes when you are looking for it intentionally. So be still, listen to your heart and inner wisdom. When your inner peace is undisturbed, your outer world is irrelevant.”
Maybe I wrote that for me and for you? 15 or 50, we are drawn to the same quest.
You are not a materialistic girl. I wish that I could take the credit.
Though I am not one who cares much about materials, I was still shocked by how many pieces of clothing, bags, shoes, or things that I had accumulated over the decades when I started with Marie Kondo’s “Joy of Tidiness.” It took months and tears to cut ties. When you did yours, it was at the speed of light. Anything that doesn’t provide Joy, goes. No strings attached.
Maybe I needed to experience fancy glamour to let go of my material chokehold. But you, on the other hand, a minimalist from birth?
I always know what to get you for your birthday. You make it easy. Ever since you were a little girl, you have loved books. From 4th grade and on, all your friends already learned what makes you happy is a Barnes and Noble gift card.
This year of COVID, hundreds of books came to our home from the local library. When I hear you screaming with excitement, I know another delivery has just arrived.
For your 15th birthday, you asked family and friends to gift you only words of wisdom.
For a girl who reads at the speed of one book a week, what advice would I give you? Well, at least I will try:
1. Life is not ALL about work, mission, and changing the world. Life is about living your passion.
Many years ago, driving on the highway to a clinic two hours from our city, my boss asked me how old I was.
“27.”
“Only 27?”
I didn’t know what she meant by that but after one look at my face, she continued: “I meant you have accomplished so much and you are only 27?”
Just as I was exhaling with relief, maybe even a little pride, she added, “You need to get a life”.
What? I didn’t actually say it aloud, but my eyebrow must have raised that question!
“I mean you work all the time.”
Now, it really didn’t sound like a compliment anymore. I was frankly surprised, disappointed and a little lost. Working hard is a virtue that was instilled in my blood.
In the same week, a senior coworker told me to “slow down and smell the roses.”
At that time, I thought it was easy for them to say because they have the means. They can afford to slow down. Now I have the same means, yet I find myself working even harder.
Before, work was for survival. Now, work is for a purpose.
Work has become a passion, not an obligation.
When I get up at 5 am to write, I AM smelling my morning roses.
Make your passion the fragrance of your roses. Your passion could change over time and it is completely okay. Who said your rose garden is limited to a certain size, shape, color or fragrance?
2. The secret of living is giving. Give to yourself first.
You are a giver but remember to give to yourself first. When you are giving from an empty cup, resentment can grow like poison. As women, we often give, feed, and nurture others first and keep on giving until we are empty. I have seen that in my own mother, your grandmother. When she starts to allow herself to receive, she becomes a much happier person, and everyone around her benefits. The transformation is beautiful to see.
3. Don’t try to please people.
You want everyone to be happy but you can never please everyone. In the end, you are exhausted and people still feel hurt. It is never your duty to make anyone other than yourself happy. Not everyone thinks like you, so don’t judge them. Don’t try to change them. Just let it be. I was a people pleaser myself. Though I am strong and independent, I wanted everyone to like me. But I learned it was an impossible task.
4. Date, have fun and learn about boys.
I can’t believe that I am saying this. When you were 5, I asked advice from other Asian mothers and they told me: “No dating in high school”, “Too much drama”, “Studying is the primary role of a student”. I was concerned too but my view now has changed. As a mature young lady, who says you can’t do both?
When I was 15, by the administrative ruling, kids were not permitted to date in China. Brave highschoolers dated underground and risked the consequence of being expelled.
You are blessed to be born in this free country. So have fun being 15.
Just remember to be yourself when you are with boys. They are just as nervous and trying to figure out their path as well. Be kind to them even if you think they don’t know what the hell they are doing.
Speak your desires clearly. Tell them what you want and what makes you happy. Don’t make them guess. It is too much work and a waste of energy.
Don’t try to change them. You are a girlfriend, not his mother.
5. Take pictures everywhere you go. And journal. A life worth living is worth writing.
As I am writing my memoir now, I wish that I had journaled more in my earlier years.
Luckily I posted lots of photos on WeChat, Chinese social media, while I was there for the past few years.
You are a writer. It will be helpful with dates and events when you are trying to recall those magical moments. Social media doesn’t have to consume us. It can serve as a place for recording events.
6. Stay true to yourself.
You are aware in this day and time, everything is filtered and brightened. It is more important than ever to stay true and authentic — be COURAGEOUS! And I know that you have it within you.
We are souls having an earthly experience. Your soul has chosen us to be your family in this lifetime. Our family’s love will be your strongest backbone. You know that you can always count on us for anything.
I love you, Serena. Happy Birthday to the most awesome 15-year-old on the planet!
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