Today, I saw him again while attending training. We talked for a while over the lunch. I was very happy at first because it's always a pleasure talking with him. But the moment he mentioned his girl friend, my mode went down. I lost the interest in talking with him. I knew I was a bit jealous of his girl friend.
It was over four years ago that I saw him first time when I started working in the same group with him. I was attracted to him that very first moment. I am always attracted to men with beautiful eyes. This is one of my weaknesses. He has very beautiful eyes, big, bright, and clear. Feel like you can see his heart through his eyes. I think his eyes are dark blue. I don't like those light blue or light green eyes. They are too mysterious to me.
Actually, he is not very handsome in some people's eyes. His face is a little bit distorted, his right arm is smaller and shorter, and his right hand only has 3 fingers. His left leg and foot have the same problems. He was born deformity.
Unlike most handicapped person who are usually shy, isolated, self-pitying, or arrogant. He is very talkative, open, optimistic, and kind. He is generous in helping others; He participate all type of sports that he can participate; He never feels ashamed talking about his own deformity. I was so attracted to him. I enjoyed hearing his voice, I liked to see him and talk with him. I would find all the excuses to go to his office, either to ask a question or to discuss some problem.
My feeling towards him was so confusing. I knew I liked him, but I was afraid to get closer to him.
I worried a lot. I worried about what other people would think of me. I worried about what the daily life would be living with a handicapped person. I worried about my work would be affected if things didn't work out between him and me. I worried about being turned down by him. I worried about my changing my mind after getting closer to him.
I fought with myself in my mind. I was afraid to take initiation and decided to be passive and wait. When I thought back, I realized there were several hints that he was into me too but I was too numb or too overwhelmed with my personal issue at the moment to realize them. He invited me to a lunch after we worked over time one weekend. This was not normal at least in my group. When I decided to move to another group, he talked with me and asked me why I wanted to move. Several times, he asked me whether I want to have more children. When I said I was buying a house, he sounds very disappointed.
Until one day, he began to talk about his girl friend; I suddenly felt such a bitter feeling in my heart. I still didn't lose hope. I wished it won't work out, and then I would express to him directly. Until he decided to move to another group. We didn't see each other often. I decided to bury my feeling towards him. Then I encountered someone else, and got into a short life relationship. I almost forgot my feeling towards him.
Meeting him today brought back all the memories. I feel it's better off that I don't see him anymore. Then I wouldn't remember the silly thing I did, and the love I missed. It's always pain to realized what you missed will never come back.
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