詩歌， lost in translation ?
從開始讀詩到寫詩， 大概有一年半的樣子。 該是中年危機鬧的鬼。 開始時讀的都是英文詩， 心癢了， 就試著翻譯， 這時才發現自己中文退步的厲害。 有時一個英文詞， 頭腦裏英文的定義很清楚， 卻想不出中文詞是什麽。 大概翻譯了十幾首後， “心就脹滿了詩意”， 不得不泄到鍵盤上。 很尷尬的是自己的中文和英文都是半瓶子水。 兩者勢均力敵， 常常會起筆時想的是中文， 終了卻成了英文， 哪個贏， 完全是哪種語言對了當時的感覺。 也許是距離產生美感， 或是我對聲音和語調的敏感， 雖然我不懂法語， 卻覺得那是詩的語言， 英語， 似乎硬朗了些， 欠悠揚， 而中文則更加硬一些， 隻適合豪情。 因為我自認是一個平淡的人， 對豪情沒有詩感， 寫詩時又總是邊寫邊讀， 結果塗鴉的英文詩反倒多於中文的。
對自己沒有信心， 隻敢把詩交給陌生人讀。 於是找到了這個網站 “allpoetry” 。 這裏你可以貼詩， 但有個條件， 你每貼一首詩， 必須評論兩首其他作者剛剛貼的詩， 而且不能少於設定的字符。 我哪裏真正懂得詩， 隻好每次貼詩時， 憑感覺選兩首， 說些你好我好大家都好的讚美。 “allpoetry” 還有一個吸引我的地方。 它的主人是矽穀的一位業餘詩人， 利用專長， 他提供軟件， 給每一首詩從幾方麵打分， 再給出一個綜合分。 我的分數自然慘不忍睹， 雖然其他的寫詩人會 “被迫” 留一兩句鼓勵的話。
幾天前， 我貼的一首詩又得了負分， 你沒聽錯， 比零還少。 自認詩的名字是不錯的， Birth of an ocean , 想描述記憶是如何消失的。
Birth of an ocean
Time
Gracefully
Erases every color.
Too swift and efficient
For an artist to repaint.
Time
Nimbly
Unties every knot.
Too adamant and precise
For a sailor to retie.
Time
Patiently
Melts every snowflake.
Too warm and effective
For a heart to preserve.
Time
Eventually
Fuses every drop of water
Into a peaceful ocean.
And a sail no longer needs navigation.
(Bshan25 only) autorank score: -0.6. professional similarity 2.9, word order 0.0, concrete 1.0, abstract -1.5, capitalization -3.0
當然， -0.6 並不是我最低的， 我的記錄是 -5.9 。 我已產生了免疫力了。 這次也有些不同， 我收到的“強製性”評語長度遠超過了字符的標準， 能讀出真心的閱讀和點評。
This has a good flow. Good word choices and form. With excellent images, this poem, and I like the statement idea first and then the image, different and original. I believe, by just cutting out the And for tightening your strong emotional poem will read better at the end. Thank you. (a sail no longer needs navigation) I like it without the And. OK?
我讀到 “I like the statement idea first and then the image, different and original” 時， 猜想也許我的詩是中文的思維， 英文的字， 所以才讓他覺得 “different and original” 。 這般告訴他， 他很快地回複：
What constitutes a Chinese Poem? How is it different from a poem written in another language or understanding? Just curious. Is it like learning to speak another language and having to think in that language?
於是我回複他一首我翻譯的劉霞的詩， “給林昭”。 說這是逐句逐字翻譯的， 也許他能對中文詩有個初步印象。
給林昭
劉霞
我就這樣
久久地注視你的眼睛
輕輕地取出你嘴裏的棉團
你的嘴唇依然柔軟
你的墳墓空空蕩蕩
你的血燙傷了我伸出的手
如此寒冷又殘酷的死亡
讓九月燦爛陽光中獨坐的我
無法悲傷
任何形式的墓地
於熱愛自由的你
都過於輕浮
每年的陰曆十五
河上會布滿河燈
卻招不回你的靈魂
你冷眼坐在
卡夫卡筆下四處漂流的冥船上
看這個世界依然荒唐
北大校慶的舉杯歡呼
讓你冷冷大笑
喝吧喝吧喝吧
這是血呢
你在黑暗中說
To Lin Zhao
Liu Xia
I gaze at your eyes,
as if in a moment of eternity.
I gently take the cotton ball out of your mouth，
When your lips soft，
your tomb empty，
Yet your blood burns my extended hands.
Such cold and cruel ending of life,
depleted my sense of sorrow,
while I sit alone in the shiny sun.
Any form of tomb is
too flimsy to match
your love for freedom.
On every reunion with the dead,
we can’t bring back your soul,
despite a river of floating lanterns.
You calmly dwell on
the wandering boat in Metamorphosis,
and observe the same old absurd world.
Those anniversary celebrations at your alma mater
drive you into a loud scornful laughter.
Toast! Toast! Toast!
Blood, it is!
-Your voice from the dark.
他又很快的回複：
Do you have any idea how lovely this poem is just as it is written here? I believe that you should just translate your poems into English from Chinese exactly as you have written them. The basic idea of poetry is not to get every understanding over to the reader but to evoke an emotion or emotions in them that they can relate to from their own life experiences. This is exactly what you have done here. Just keep your translations in the present tense as though you were speaking them at present and you will be fine. And above all, remember that the emotion achieved in a poem is paramount over understanding. What is not said in a poem is as important and sometimes more so than understanding every passage or word choice. OK? Please give feedback to this comment but only after you have absorbed what I have stated here. Thanks and congrats on a fine poem. You new friend in poetry, X.
我連忙回信澄清， 這是劉霞的詩， 寫給林昭， 講給他聽劉霞是誰， 林昭是誰。 我也說我希望有一天能告訴劉霞他的讚美。 我還需要讀更多的的詩， 寫更多的詩， 才能 “have absorbed” 他的意思。 但我還是附上一首我寫的英文詩， 告訴他這是我寫給劉霞的丈夫的。
Silent on July 13
In a silent movie,
I hear tears dripping,
And hearts whispering.
In a silenced world,
I hear fires burning,
And bells chiming.
To whom bells toll?
An end or a beginning?
我也承諾如果劉霞寫了一首給她的丈夫的詩， 我會翻譯給他讀。 我不相信 “lost in translation” 。
