他該走的路（英詩）附自唱：天路

來源: 小貝殼weed 於 2016-10-12 19:56:33 [檔案] [博客] [舊帖] [給我悄悄話] 閱讀數 : (3064 bytes)

本文內容已被 [ 小貝殼weed ] 在 2016-10-12 20:09:40 編輯過。如有問題，請報告版主或論壇管理刪除.

The Road He Should Take

Oh,
you, winding,
rugged
muddy
flat
straight
wide
steady...
and endless roads...
please let him know
which one of you
he should take
to reach her soul.

By 小貝殼
Nov.20， 2015

已在英語詩壇貼過和獲得一些建議。與這裏的雙語詩人們分享，不吝賜教！

Comments:

Firemajic

Check your commas Xioman...maybe one too many... I love this message! just one wrong turn.. and then the potential for heartbreak or happiness.. which will it be... always a pleasure to read your work..

2015-11-21, 12:12
inkwellness

Poignant and thought provoking. I like the succession of adjectives. It can create a feeling in the reader of long drudgery, similar to what the endless roads represent.
2015-11-23, 04:22
Fats Velvet

I have a few really piddling comma suggestions beyond what you've already improved, but this poem is too good to call broken in any way.
2015-11-23, 16:03
shedpog329

I really enjoyed this, hope he reaches that destination! Well done!!
2015-11-23, 18:54
Blade

:flower:

The only suggestion I might have would be to make line 2 'you , winding,' into lines 2 and 3 thus leaving a singular column of words.:-k

Enjoyed.