作“風生渭水飄秋雨,葉落長安冷畫屏”如何?另外“滄海十年人已老,灞橋千載柳還青”力度似不夠。可否作“滄海十年人已老,灞橋兩岸柳還青” 。個人覺得“十年”對“千載“,雖工整,但乃時間對時間,則意境相對局促。而用”兩岸”對之,時空相對,似景象更為闊大。如老杜“萬裏悲秋常作客,百年多病獨登台”,“五更鼓角聲悲壯,三峽星河影動搖”。個見供參。
作“風生渭水飄秋雨,葉落長安冷畫屏”如何?另外“滄海十年人已老,灞橋千載柳還青”力度似不夠。可否作“滄海十年人已老,灞橋兩岸柳還青” 。個人覺得“十年”對“千載“,雖工整,但乃時間對時間,則意境相對局促。而用”兩岸”對之,時空相對,似景象更為闊大。如老杜“萬裏悲秋常作客,百年多病獨登台”,“五更鼓角聲悲壯,三峽星河影動搖”。個見供參。
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