和美國文藝中年大叔聊詩
兩年前在一個英文詩歌網站貼了一首詩。
Somewhere in time
Somewhere in time,
over a fire fluttered many a butterfly.
They were fanning the flames,
relentlessly from sunrise to sunrise,
till the fire summoned their names.
Somewhere in time,
I’m lost in a land of graves.
So people tease I’m no longer wise.
But I still feel the butterflies’ waves,
and the moment of their demise and rise.
A - Such an uplifting feeling from this poem. thanks!
Me - Thanks xxx! it is based on a sad Chinese love story, a couple turned into butterflies because they were forced apart by their families. I kind of more focused on their determination, courage, etc.
A - Excellent. I really felt this one. So beautifully stated and captured in such great brevity!
B - I like your way of rhyming and the way this poem is written. I find this a very inspirational poem. Thank you for sharing it.
然後 A 又讀了我的另外一首。
Birth of an ocean
Time
gracefully
erases every color.
Too swift and efficient
for an artist to repaint.
Time
nimbly
unties every knot.
Too adamant and precise
for a sailor to retie.
Time
patiently
melts every snowflake.
Too warm and effective
for a heart to preserve.
Time
eventually
fuses every drop of water
into one peaceful ocean.
A sail no longer needs navigation.
A - This has a good flow. Good word choices and form. With excellent images, this poem, and I like the statement idea first and then the image, different and original. I believe, by just cutting out the And for tightening your strong emotional poem will read better at the end. Thank you. (a sail no longer needs navigation) I like it without the And. OK?
Me - Thank you for your kind comments and suggestions. English is my second language. My native is Chinese. I am learning to write poems in English. I am probably writing Chinese poems, although in English.
A - What constitutes a Chinese Poem? How is it different from a poem writtten in another language or understanding? Just curious. Is it like learning to speak another language and having to think in that language?
Me - thanks for your message, i guess grammar, word order, culture, ..... i translated a Chinese poem into English, nearly word to word, you may see something I don’t.
To Lin Zhao
Liu Xia
I gazed at your eyes,
as if in a moment of eternity.
I gently took the cotton ball out of your mouth，
When your lips soft，
your tomb empty，
Yet your blood burned my extended hands.
Such cold and cruel ending of life,
depleted my sense of sorrow,
while I sit alone in the shiny sun.
Any form of tomb is
too flimsy to match
your love for freedom.
On every reunion with the dead,
we can’t bring back your soul,
despite a river of floating lanterns.
You calmly dwell on
the wandering boat in Metamorphosis,
and observe the same old absurd world.
Those anniversary celebrations at your alma mater
drive you into a loud scornful laughter.
Toast! Toast! Toast!
Blood, it is!
-Your voice from the dark.
A - Do you have any idea how lovely this poem is just as it is written here? I believe that you should just translate your poems into English from Chinese exactly as you have written them. The basic idea of poetry is not to get every understanding over to the reader but to evoke an emotion or emotions in them that they can relate to from their own life experiences. This is exactly what you have done here. Just keep your translations in the present tense as though you were speaking them at present and you will be fine. And above all, remember that the emotion achieved in a poem is paramount over understanding. What is not said in a poem is as important and sometimes more so than understanding every passage or word choice. OK? Please give feedback to this comment but only after you have absorbed what I have stated here. Thanks and congrats on a fine poem. You new friend in poetry, A
Me - Forgot, my name is Me, really a wonderful experience talking to you about poetry.
A - May I ask, where do you live in the states? We are in the desert region of California called PS. Glad to make your acquaintance and so happy to be exchanging our poems and ideas. Please send me more of your works if you wish and yes, your translations idea is a good one to keep your home tradition and language strong. A
Me - I live north to you, xxx. I also feel so great that I can exchange ideas with you who has passion and insight for poetry. I wrote a short poem about reflection quite a while ago, about something I vaguely felt at the moment.
Harp
I erect a harp by the mirror lake.
In the mirror I gaze at her grace,
and wish she would sing when awake.
When autumn breeze wrinkles her face,
I hear fallen leaves pluck her string.
and see golden sun rays decorate her reflection.
Harp sings a song of mesmerizing spring,
till I tie autumn with affection.
A - This poem tells me (a little too much telling) how far you have come since writing this, the same clear images yet lacking your depth as you write now. 'ain't' seems out of place here; breaks the sincerity of the emotion somehow. Adjectives like 'tender' seem just a bit too much here. In your later poems I feel you have let the theme run with with a natural flow. I often go back to earlier works and with my new found techniques and understandings of nuance, then change them a bit. Thanks Me, I really love working with you and your ideas and thoughts in poetry. A
Me - Thank you, Jon! Poetry is my hobby. I write poems with my limited understanding of poems. very often, I write with an instinct, like "ain't", just like its sound at the moment. "tender" was also a quick thought at the moment, but now, as you pointed out, cliche and weak. I hope I have grown in my writing through conscious and subconscious learning. I really appreciate your advice and insight. What is "depth" in poetry? And in general, how to achieve "depth" in poetry? I am afraid I may randomly have it in my poems.
A - Depth felt in a poem is a true understand of the subject in a poem; not a vague mention of a feeling or just a hint at it. Depth comes to the realization of the reader of a poem when he or she becomes swept up the it's essence. Thanks for asking. It is delightful for me to have a fellow poet I can relate to on a deeper level. Ha, ha, no pun intended!
他是一位生活經曆很豐富的人， 也許這樣的人才能寫詩。
A is a poet who mentors poets world-wide online and lives in Southern California with his husband of 45 years. Professionally he practices therapeutic and medical massage therapy. His first career was that of a ballet dancer, choreographer and professor of classical dance techniques in America, including Alaska, and throughout Europe. Alternatively, he has been a Floral Designer and teacher of literature and the fine arts in his hometown of San Francisco. He is a lover of dogs, nature and thought-provoking ideas, which he trusts, shows in his poetry.
有趣的是他最近寫的一首詩被標記為少兒不宜。
Adult post 14608216
我好奇想點擊看一眼， 結果竟然需要輸入生日， 就放棄了這個難得的機會。
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