Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes,his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking “What are you doing?”Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, “Zoe. I’m doing Zoe.”
Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis.She thought it was my phone.
Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. my electric toothbrush in her hand.
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed “Yes Brittany!” at the top of his lungs. My name’s not Brittany.That’s his sister.
Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, “Beat ya!” She’s thirteen.
Today, my hu*****and of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man.
Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doing she said “I’m pretending to be mommy from last night.” I was on a business trip last night.
Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living.
Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can’t have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon.
Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I’m going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child,at their wedding.
Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush.
Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my ‘junk’ to catch herself.
Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon.
Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying “U got fingers, use them, I'm going to bed xoxo”. FML
Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. “Tonight’s the night,” my boyfriend says. “I’m finally going to tell her I love her!” I got really excited, deciding i loved him too.Then his friend says, “Awesome! But what about Kayla?” I’m Kayla.
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me,going “shit, shit!”. Worried, I asked him what was wrong. He shouted “I forgot to set my TiVO!”
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiance that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her.
Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: “love mom.”
Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having sex.
Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom.As I opened the door I heard my son say “Oh man, you’re gonna make me cum” to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14.
Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my p*** stash. However,the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate.
Today, I saw a le*****ian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I’m a le*****ian too, and they were hot.
Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, I noticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. The play was Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearing was a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during the crucifixion.
Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom’s hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying,"Keep it safe kids!".
Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have sex with would be. I was third. My mom was second.
Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis.She thought it was my phone.
Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. my electric toothbrush in her hand.
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed “Yes Brittany!” at the top of his lungs. My name’s not Brittany.That’s his sister.
Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, “Beat ya!” She’s thirteen.
Today, my hu*****and of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man.
Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doing she said “I’m pretending to be mommy from last night.” I was on a business trip last night.
Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living.
Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can’t have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon.
Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I’m going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child,at their wedding.
Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush.
Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my ‘junk’ to catch herself.
Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon.
Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying “U got fingers, use them, I'm going to bed xoxo”. FML
Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. “Tonight’s the night,” my boyfriend says. “I’m finally going to tell her I love her!” I got really excited, deciding i loved him too.Then his friend says, “Awesome! But what about Kayla?” I’m Kayla.
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me,going “shit, shit!”. Worried, I asked him what was wrong. He shouted “I forgot to set my TiVO!”
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiance that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her.
Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: “love mom.”
Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having sex.
Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom.As I opened the door I heard my son say “Oh man, you’re gonna make me cum” to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14.
Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my p*** stash. However,the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate.
Today, I saw a le*****ian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I’m a le*****ian too, and they were hot.
Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, I noticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. The play was Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearing was a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during the crucifixion.
Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom’s hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying,"Keep it safe kids!".
Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have sex with would be. I was third. My mom was second.
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