落果
很久沒有收拾院子。草坪有些荒了,裏麵滿是掉落的蘋果。
真是秋了。我看著落果歎息著。
很多蘋果仍掛在另一棵樹上,樹下落果一片。我看著滿樹羞色,卻沒有心情去把它們請下來。天上的陰雲移動著,不時有些雨,院落的一切都是濕漉漉的。我看著荒蕪的院落,心也在沉去。很多時候,心情決定著生活。
大部分業餘時間都耗在了鴿溪,伊甸的院落便懶得打理。與其說懶惰,不如說是有些抑鬱。我在想著怎樣才能重拾心境,讓自己回歸以往。從前聽人說起老光棍的日子,總不免感到幾分淒慘。我想,自己現在的生活,或許也能成為別人的談資了。
我看著院落,想著那些在水池泡了幾天的碗筷。泡碗筷的水已經有了不悅的味道。或許,快生魚蟲了吧。
池塘的水清澈見底。沒有魚蟲。些許遊魚在水中懶散著。我想笑。這些魚兒的家,比我住的屋子幹淨得太多了。
幾天來沉雲一直布滿天空。秋風不斷,樹上的葉在漸漸稀落。我想起了春天。蘋果開花的時候,我在想著秋日的收獲。
秋日的收獲?。。。
此時,在秋的時節,我站在院落,對樹上樹下紅紅的蘋果隻是看著。很多蘋果已經爛掉了。我在想著,或許該做些果醬,讓自己也能有對早餐的欲望。一天隻吃一頓“飯”的日子,又已經很久了。
在職業的舞台上需要微笑、知識和瀟灑,但人們無法想象我的生活。講台上那些美麗機智的詞語,那些對病患的解釋和治療,對病人的鼓勵和安慰,對健康的建議和勸誡,都是說給別人的。我從未想過該對自己說些什麽。
或許好笑,但我的確不知道,世界上會有多少人,也在經曆著這樣的生活。
心情決定著生活。走在世界總會麵對煩擾的出現,而心情往往又被煩擾左右著。性格,有時真會把自己迫進角落。
煩擾是性格的鬱結,卻又會體現在現實的生活。我感到,人生所展現的,其實都是性格。從童年開始,個性便會體現在每個人的困惑或煩惱,隻是大多數人感受的僅僅是煩惱,並未看到煩惱之後的性格。
“性格決定命運。” 簡單的哲思,先人其實早已闡明了人生之惑。
伊甸的花園不大,但在這小小的院落,我曾把希望充滿了生活。如今,我站在這個曾經賦予我很多希望的院落,希望能尋回以往的感受。
當我挖出第一鍬土時,便是把幻想開啟。此前我並無做花園的經驗,也不懂得怎樣去設計花園。但我一直感到,心念與自然的交融總是簡單的,也似乎很容易實現。
當我挖好池塘,種上花草,色彩便開始漸漸出現。我曾看著小小的院落,在想著怎樣把這一切寫進生活。那時我剛剛開始學寫文字,在新浪的博客。
我後來也曾打算去寫一個英文博客。但在一個英文網站上隻寫了一集,便沒有繼續。那個博客網址多數時候無法打開,最後,我連進入博客的密碼也忘記了。
因為花園的色彩,那時的自己在心底也把希望描繪著。文字裏我曾寫下了一句:“While in the garden, I could feel something hard deep inside melting away whenever I see the reflections of all colours tied their knots in the pond. (身在院落,每當我看到那些色彩的紐帶倒映池塘,便會感到鬱於心底的硬結在緩緩融化著。)”(英文原始博文見附)
且不說當時院落色彩的嬌豔,對於我,如果種下的花卉已知,締結色彩的紐帶是容易的。那時水中的倒影迷人,樹上的蘋果,也是捧在掌心的。
此時,我站在院落,看著荒蕪和落果,在試圖找回那些所失去的。花園裏很多往日的花卉已經消失了。水塘裏睡蓮稀疏,但池水依舊清澈。
我想著伊甸鎮外的山坡,想著愛河河穀。這座坐落在愛河河穀的花園是幽隱的,如同很多家的花園一樣,人們不知道它的存在。
我在想著,在悠長的愛河河穀,會有多少這樣的花園,因為心情而荒蕪著?
我也在想著河穀的風景。在這個時節,走去河穀深處,便會走進秋色。愛河橋,曾是我常去的地方,但我已經很久沒有帶絲黛拉走去河邊了。那裏有一片幽幽的森林,在此時節,那裏的色彩想必也會一如以往。
此時此刻,我看著院落零星的秋花和滿地落果,在回憶著院落往日的模樣。我感到心的世界如同院落,當木屋被竹叢和青藤遮掩,當種下的果樹長大,當花草隱去圍欄,心和院落仿佛都在變小。
我知道,地上的落葉和落果,在經過一個冬天後便消失不在了。自然的回歸是一份希望,也是一種必然。那時的我在院落,又會希望春花爛漫,又會期待秋天的收獲。
但生活是用心情去書寫的。我不知道那時的自己,會怎樣看待秋果。
人生如夢,卻總是超越現實。從青春的朦朧走到如今的紛然,人們無論快樂還是痛苦,夢幻的色彩依舊,也總在反差著現實的味道。夢幻都是美麗的,恍如天籟,宛若花朵,也都是用心去感受的。我想,人間的夢幻總是如此。當一份期許在心,有誰在意時節和距離的阻隔?
因為現實,人們才會虛擬出桃源。但世界是被現實左右的,人們於是也隻有置身世間,才能試圖感受世外。世外純屬幻境,因為沒有人能說清世外的模樣。或許那裏有一份清閑,一份淡然,一窗風景,一泓無波的湖水。。。
我看到,對於大多數人,風景,湖水,清閑都是能夠得到的,隻有麵對世界的淡然難以獲取。
我也看到,世外的淡然人們都在尋求,但有多少人能夠知道淡然的苦痛?
一如麵對眼前的落果,淡然是失去激情,是失掉人間的味道,是拋卻不該失去的,要付出歲月的代價,最終的結局也往往都是冷酷的。
。。。。。。
此時,我站在伊甸的院落,不願再去思索。天上的沉雲在移動著,雲上的世界,本該屬於我。我知道世界上能走過紛擾的路很多,遠方依舊有詩,也有花朵。
在連接果實與花朵的時節,我本不該用如此的心情去寫下這些文字。無論是否擁有陽光和溫暖,生活都是該用花朵和果籃去妝點的。
我看著院落的落果,心底在緩緩浮現久違的溫暖。我恍間感到,無論人間的世界怎樣,我其實是要感謝這些果樹的。我隻是讓這些樹延續了生命,但這些忠實的果樹,無論經曆怎樣的寒冷和風雨,總會用春花和果實回報著我。
當陽光透過雲層的時候,我走進屋,洗碗,然後找出一些塑筐紙箱,換鞋,再次走進院落。。。
感謝!
此篇續接在新浪博客
http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/articlelist_1985431601_1_1.html
附:The Backyard Story-1
I’m not surprised to see the marsh marigold begin to unfold their heart-shaped leaves and the fish start to ripple the pond. It is a warm day in late February. A wood pigeon coos for his mate in a nearby tree, and all of the creatures are listening. A robin starts to investigate the bird table where I just restocked seeds.
I know the flowers would soon brighten up the garden. The early blossoms answer the spring very well ever since the mash marigold settled by the pond. I love this plant, without any obligation it serenades my long lost season ahead of most of the spring lovers. Every day is not like the other in the spring if your world is shared by plants and birds and fish. I like to idle in the garden watching the foliage glittering in the sun, and listening to the splash of happy fish. I like to be carried away by the songs of spring-greeting birds far or near, and by all of the peacefulness you could reach with your heart. All the plants around me are oxygenators, even the most modest. They are transformers of this small world where you could see all those you love and all those you have lost, where you could feel something which you’d like to take in before you release a big sigh.
Be positive, I would say to myself, it's the only way out. If you cannot create the world, create whatever you can, no matter how small it is.
I like to see the cascades of flowers of the alpines on the little rockery I made a few years ago. The rocks were already softened by these gentle alpines. I like all those profile low but dwell high. Wherever I saw rock plants in Alps or Himalayas, I could see the gentle side of mountains and glaciers. While in the garden, I could feel something hard deep inside melting away whenever I see the reflections of all colours tied their knots in the pond.
The spring is rising with the sun. It’s getting warmer in recent days but far from reclaiming the warmth that would encourage the growth of everything. However, I’m glad to see the growing spring, and the fish are glad too, and the birds, and everything.
This is my first garden, and it was started from nothing but rubbish and chest-high weeds cultivated by previous occupiers, who knows how many.
For a long time since childhood I had dreamed about a garden of my own. It might not be in good size but big enough to wander my heart in.
Nothing but natural is my way. For a long time I have noticed I am a country person. I feel at home in the open and in the wild. I am not a gardener, but I do appreciate gardeners who display their kinship with the country.
I'll try to be one of them.
For a long time since childhood I have dreamed there must be a corner in the world where I could enjoy myself, where I could make my hands dirty. I became a grown-up many years ago, but the dream went on growing. When I viewed this house with a weedy backyard a few years ago, I dreamed, but not much. When I got the key, I dreamed a bit more, and not long after that, I started the dream with my hands…